Validation: It’s basic to happy relationships

“The need for validation is a fundamental human desire to be seen, appreciated, and accepted by others, but it becomes problematic when this need is constant and fuels a cycle of dependency on external approval for one’s self-worth.”

That’s what A.I. summarized for me. Thanks A.I., I hear you. You scraped the internet and formed a boiled-down perspective which you were designed to present authoritatively. I get that. The best part about what you said, is that I need to watch how I respond to you, or I might become dependent on you to approve of my thinking — or do it for me.

Whether A.I. can “relate” or not, validation is a crucial component of marriage communication. But in many long-term relationships, married or otherwise, it goes missing because partners fear being over-dependent, or think they might look like they are agreeing with someone when they don’t. If fear wins out, stingy validation will undermine love, and we might end up with a lonely independence and a longing for someone with whom one can disagree.

Every day we have to discern how connected or independent we should be. Many of the questions we have and feelings which get triggered in the process of this discernment are unfinished business from our childhood, or wounds and hopes left over from past intimacies. Fortunately, the loving safety of a listening, nonjudgmental partner is one of the best places in creation to figure things out and keep moving toward wholeness. If you are not married, friends, relatives and even professionals can provide a similar space.

Rikki and Jimmy have a lot of good things to say on the subject of communicating validation if you like your info delivered by podcast:

Blame poisons validation

Suppose I am talking to my wife in the kitchen after I have returned from the office later than expected. She is already cooking dinner, alone again, as I recount traffic stories. She drops a knife on the floor and it barely misses her foot. She picks it up off the floor and shakes it in my direction as she says, “One of these days you will make me so upset, I’ll end up in the hospital.”  What does one do with that?

The need to answer such questions is why I think a lot of people refuse to get married or even get into a relationship. Intimacy is so uncontrollable and A.I. makes it seem like we ought to get it just right all the time.

So I might not get it just right when I responded. A typical response to “One of these days” might be defensive, since every time you tell your partner “you” (especially when you are holding a knife!) it will arouse their defenses, justly or not. So you might typically respond with, “I did not make you drop a knife” — or, more gently, “What the fuck?” So much for dinner. The evening might end up with the relationship in a doom loop of hurtful recriminations.

I am not sure what might be the best response to the wife’s statement; our loves all have their own context and complexities, after all. But I hope I would remember the one piece of advice I retained from marriage counseling a long time ago and “move into the emption, even if it is anger.” I would like to take “One of these days you” and just let it move right by and out of my attention — the first thing our mates say are probably not what they will ultimately get to, if I actually listen [more on this]. And I would take the catastrophizing “I’ll end up in the hospital” and not automatically jump into saving her from disaster.

Instead, I would like to go with “emotions first” and zero in on the one emotion word she gave me and validate it with some sympathetic listening. “You’re upset. Tell me.” If you really wanted to validate her experience, you might add “Dinner can wait. You’re more important. Let’s take a few minutes.”

If we ponder how to relate, it is more likely we will feel confident about what is the best thing to say to the messy person we love. Even better, if we have spent some time in God’s care, we are less likely to sponge up all the blame igniting our reservoir of oily self-loathing. Experiencing the grace of God is eternally validating.

But doesn’t A.I. think we need to be defensive?

As I nosed around the topic of validation on the internet, I was kind of surprised that A.I. immediately did two things with it:

It represented validation mostly as a need we have, not as an action we take.It immediately highlighted how we could become excessively dependent on being validated.

This is the second half of its summary first paragraph:

This intense need often stems from childhood experiences like criticism or neglect, and can manifest in people-pleasing or an excessive reliance on social media for affirmation. To reduce the dependency on external validation, it’s helpful to practice self-validation through journaling, positive affirmations, setting personal boundaries, fostering inner stillness, and connecting with supportive communities.

From what I know about A.I., which is very little, so far, it is mainly feeding back preponderant themes from the materials it purloined from all of us. My particular query makes me think there must be a lot of teachers in the last ten years who think we need to stop relying so much on external validation and learn to validate ourselves.

I don’t disagree. In fact, I care for people who fit the description in italics above to a T (see Matt. 5:18 for “T is for tittle”). This week I encouraged various people to exercise all five of A.I.’s suggestions for self-care. I didn’t really call them “self-validation,” since I think that idea can leave someone feeling terribly alone and over-responsible for correctly responding to a wagging knife. Besides, the process of therapy we were going through was intrinsically validating, so it would have been odd to act like it was important to do it by oneself.

What’s more, I think “self-validation,” as important as it may be, is still a form of “externality.” We are capable of standing outside ourselves, so to speak, and seeing ourselves as we are and accepting how we are, at the moment.

Parsing the A.I. summary a bit more, I think its takedown of social media is apt. When needy people I know have given up Instagram, they get a better chance to feel happy. But generally, A.I’s statement seems too defensive to me. It is hard to feel validated by someone if you don’t need anyone, or you think you need to look for a better mate every time they don’t get it just right.

A.I. seems to be stuck on the dichotomy of “fuzzy” vs. “bounded” sets, when relationships like marriage need to be “centered sets.” That means the problem with needing validation it points out is not really that your boundaries are too fuzzy or too bounded, it is that your relationship is not centered by something greater than either of you. That something could be the marriage itself, or love, or God, or family rather than just oneself taking care of oneself. [I talk about that third way more, here]. In the search to get validated or quest to not need to be, we could end up with a perpetually skeptical look at our loved ones; they could be guilty of not loving me until proven adequate.

We need to feel accepted and loved.

Like I keep saying, it appears that the main thing A.I. thinks we need to do when we yearn for validation is to attend to our wounds so we don’t need it too much. I think it  is representing our society’s discomfort with vulnerability. We hear, “Don’t be weak,” all the time, even though we all feel weak, in some way, every day and inevitably get weaker as we age. An extreme example of this discomfort might be the “Lions Not Sheep” clothing brand that has infected “alpha-male” Evangelical gatherings. Some men grasp at personal power to feel valid (women too).

However we go about getting it or avoiding it, we all need validation. We all need to feel seen and accepted. When I look at people struggling with that, I usually see these things:

1) Wanting to be seen and valued is a normal human desire. Since most of our desires are bent, that need can trip us up if abuse or neglect, accompanied by shame makes us desperately hungry for it.

2) Being blamed kills our confidence. As children, we often take the blame for being criticized or neglected. If our parents focused more on our appropriate behavior and success than on our  inherent worth, our shaky sense of self might need propped up by someone else’s approval.

3) Toxic individualism needs to die off. U.S. society is a hypermodern place. It is every man, especially, for himself (see Chaucer). The cultural emphasis on individualism can make admitting the desire for validation feel weak or shameful, leading people to hide their need. What’s more, In the present disaster we’re in, the sense of being on a sinking ship can make saving oneself seem like the only option.

4) Most of us tend toward low self-esteem. For Christians, a lack of “pride” is said to lead to an infusion of value through the grace of God. But if one is not secure in that grace they can end up stuck, secretly manipulating others to get the reassurance and affirmation they think is selfish to need — and deeply angry about not getting it.

How to validate

When Jesus said, “Give and it will be given to you” he was not only making a promise, he was noting a universal truth. Self-giving love is the generative source of life and happiness. Our endlessly-difficult relationships are where we learn this. And even if we try not to have them, we are still going to have relationships to teach us.  To give your partner the best chance to flourish and reciprocate your love, be sure to validate them. Try not to lay in wait to get validated and keep score if you don’t get what you need.

Take the initiative to validate someone’s feelings even before you expect to get validated in return. To do that, listen attentively, ask clarifying questions to understand their perspective, and acknowledge their emotions without judgment or offering solutions. Maybe you two will come to agreement later, but that will be even more unlikely if you do not feel accepted as who you are right now.

So here are that basics of validation. Use them to follow the golden rule to validate others as you yearn to be validated.

Listen actively

Give the person your full attention. Set aside distractions and make eye contact. Be soft.

Show you’re engaged

Use non-verbal cues like nodding and verbal affirmations such as “uh-huh” or “okay” to show you’re listening. Lean in. Touch.

Reflect and paraphrase

Mirror back what they’ve said in your own words. Let them know you understand and are open to learning more about what you don’t yet know. Be brave and gentle.

Ask open-ended questions, as necessary

Encourage them to share more by asking questions like “How did that make you feel?” or “Tell me more about that.” Or just wait with a curious expression.  Anticipate good things.

Acknowledge their emotions

Listen for the feelings first. Naming it, accurately or not, is helpful and affirming. Stock phrases can be fine: “It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated,” or “I can see how that would be upsetting.” Connect.

Empathize and legitimize

“Companion them” in their experience, even if you haven’t had the same one. Say things like, “I can understand why you’d feel hurt after something like that,” or “It makes sense that you’d feel that way.” Care.

Offer support

Ask them they want without expectation. Don’t offer advice or solutions before they ask you for them or you have asked them to ask you. Often, listening is enough.

A list like that makes it sound like you should get it “just right,” doesn’t it? Whenever I am working through relationship issues with a married couple, one of them is likely to say, “I don’t think that will work” or “I’ve already tried that and nothing happened.” Such fears are what made us too afraid to validate someone in the first place. But they are certainly normal fears, aren’t they!

I think A.I. reinforces those fears. It seems to think, “People are unreliable and you are messed up. Take care of yourself!” In a session, I usually let those fears pass by and say something like, “OK. That makes sense. But let’s try it right now and see what happens. I’ll help you.” It often surprises people how much love their fear has been overlooking.

The post Validation: It’s basic to happy relationships appeared first on Development.