Writing Through “The Fog”

Happy Friday to all, and to all a happy Friday.

The world has been in deep turmoil, and has been since January if we’re being honest. Several factors play a role in this. And just as the world is in turmoil, so was my brain. Probably not as deadly, but turmoil nonetheless is still the ailment.

I have been waking up in the middle of the night or early morning, and felt the need to write, but never reached for my notebook or my laptop. I just lay there, as if paralyzed. Unmoved. My mornings have been like this for quite some time, where I wake up and just lie there OR *gasp* reach for my phone to do the “doom scrolling” we’ve all come to be so fond of lately. I can admit, I have been giving my phone way too much of my time. Screen time is UP, and reading and writing time is extremely low. However, something changed recently. A catalyst that shifted the inactivity for me. Not sure when the “click” happened, because I’m just taking this all day by day, but it just did.

I admitted to myself that something was amiss and that I really needed to figure out what it was that was bringing me to this place of inaction, unhappiness, a quietness that is not rooted in peace. Trying to find my joy again without the need for outside forces, I decided to take an assessment. One that would tell me if what I was feeling mentally was what I thought it might be. With the results of said assessment, I made a doctor’s appointment. I wanted to get free or as free as one can be.

Moving through my days with significant dissatisfaction because I wanted to write, but just couldn’t find the energy. I wanted to read, but my brain just wasn’t having it. I wanted to do the things that I found great joy in, but my mind had this thick fog lying over it; the vision was not there. The assessment helped me understand that I, in fact, may be severely depressed and experiencing some anxiety as well. Debilitating depression? I shall soon find out!

For now, I know what it may be. It helps me understand why I’m feeling what I’m feeling and how I can best move forward. Making the appointment to see my doctor is one step of many for me to try to get some semblance of that part of me back. Also, getting back to the gym. Mainly, really focusing on getting back to me and not looking for joy in distractions or in other people. My happiness used to always stem from self-fulfillment, but I lost a lot of that along the way through the years. And it’s no one’s fault, not even mine really. But it is my responsibility to make the changes to at least work through it, even if I will have to deal with it for the rest of my life.

I know I’m not alone in this, especially as a writer. I feel like many writers are like me, going through the same thing, and possibly beating themselves up for it, too.

For now, I am moving forward as best as I can while I wait for definitive answers. No more speculations, concrete answers, so I know how best to approach this and give myself space to get back to what I like by making realistic goals for myself. I have tried before and failed MANY times in the past 4 years I’ve been feeling like this. I don’t want to do that this time, especially since my desire has grown to finish my third book. I hope that by sharing this, more writers who are going through the same thing know we’re in this together and we’re not defeated. That there’s so much still to look forward to, and that the fire inside doesn’t go away. It may come to an ember, but air will soon breathe life into it to help it grow again to its full, fiery self.