What if Every Choice Was the Right One?
Many of us have been there—agonizing over a decision, big or small. Should I take this job? Move to that city? End this relationship? Even down to the everyday: what to order on the menu, which jeans to buy, whether to say yes or no to a coffee date. For those of us who are parents it can get even more daunting—what school to send them to, when to be strict and when to bend, how to handle a difficult moment. No matter who we are or the particulars of our experience, choices are a part of how we build our lives. We make countless choices every single day.
Some of them are easy, low-stakes choices that we just intuitively choose and move on. Others, not so much. We pour hours, even days, into research, pros and cons lists, endless conversations with friends, and still, we fear making the wrong choice. Consumer Reports Magazine has built an entire business around people who will do the research before buying a new air fryer because they are that committed to making the right choice.
What do parents often say to their children before they leave the house? Make good choices! Now, I’m not saying this is wrong, but it really drives home how obsessed we are with the idea that choices are very important and some really are, decidedly. But most? As it turns out …
According to Dr. Ellen Langer, the Harvard psychologist often called “the mother of mindfulness,” this is all an illusion. Dr. Langer says: There is no “right” choice.
Let that sink in for a moment.
We believe that for every decision there’s one perfect option waiting for us, and if only we gather enough information, think long and hard enough, we’ll find it. But life doesn’t work like that. And in actuality, Langer’s research shows that more information doesn’t guarantee better decisions. In most cases, it leads only to anxiety.
And here’s the truth: once we make a choice, we’ll only ever know the reality of that choice. The alternative becomes a ghost path. So when it comes to the times when we regret the “road not taken,” we’re really comparing our reality to a fantasy.
This is the foundation of Langer’s work, the difference between mindlessness and mindfulness. Mindlessness is an inactive state of mind that relies only on the past to assess the present. This is where ruminating over “what could have been” comes into play. However, when we switch the mindfulness we enter a state of mind that Langer describes as being actively engaged with the present moment. From this consciousness, we’re more flexible and able to receive new information.
Mindlessness says: “I need to make the right decision.”
Mindfulness says: “I need to make the decision work.”
Now that’s a radical shift in perspective! Making the decision right means choosing with the information at hand and then committing to making the absolute best of that path. Far more important than the initial decision is what you do afterwards. From a kabbalistic perspective, we can become present, ask the Creator for guidance, and with a consciousness of certainty, trust the process that unfolds.
Of course, it’s important to acknowledge that some choices are deeply emotional and can carry long-term consequences for our relationships, health, and overall well-being. When you find yourself unsure about how to approach those decisions, I recommend the 10-10-10 rule: ask yourself how you’ll feel about the decision in 10 minutes, 10 months, and 10 years. This thought exercise often provides immediate clarity. And to be clear, there are wrong choices—murder, theft, cruelty, and the like fall squarely into that category. What we’re exploring here are the everyday decisions that can keep us up at night: Which car should I buy? Where should I live? Buy the gym equipment or go with a gym membership?
Here are three tips to keep it simple, whether you have a choice to make or you made a choice that you’re second-guessing:
Shift your attention to the good. Every choice comes with both challenges and gifts. Instead of dwelling on what you lost by choosing this option, look for what you gained. Ask yourself: What opportunities exist here that I might be overlooking?
Stay curious. Mindfulness is about noticing new things. Every day on the path you’ve chosen, ask: What is fresh here? What can I learn? This opens up possibilities that make your choice more meaningful.
Take ownership. Decisions are less about destiny and more about what we do with them. When you stop asking, “Was this right?” and instead ask, “How can I bring my best self here?” you shift from passive doubt to empowered action.
The next time you find yourself agonizing over a decision, remember: flipping a coin might actually free you faster than overthinking it. In fact, Dr. Langer challenges her students to do this for all choices for a week, just flip a coin and see if any of those choices you left to chance make a substantial difference in the quality and trajectory of your life. Because what really matters isn’t the choice itself—it’s how you live it.
Life isn’t about finding the one perfect path. It’s about bringing mindfulness, curiosity, and consciousness to whichever path you’re on. When we do, every choice we make is the right one, no matter what.
The post What if Every Choice Was the Right One? appeared first on Monica Berg.
