Character Interview: Brenda versus Brenda from Ira Nayman’s “Luna for the Lunies!”
Today I have the pleasure of presenting one of the craziest interviews I’ve been able to jump in on. Nayman kindly allowed me into the world of Luna is for the Lunies! and present to you the following interview. Enjoy!
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I adjusted the ear and eye pieces of my TGG™ (Transdimensional Google Goggles™), which fit not so comfortably in one ear and over one eye, and looked beyond the rabble. This is one of the advantages of being six foot seven – you can really stand above the fray. Another advantage is that your employees know that they are never that far out of slapping distance. I’ll bet you never read that in the books of management guru Mort Drucker! I’ll bet you nev – no, wait, Mort Drucker was a cartoonist. I meant the Drucker who was a management gu – ferk it. I’ve lost the moment.
The name’s Brundtland-Govanni. Brenda Brundtland-Govanni. I’ve wanted to say that since my mother sent me a DVD of the complete Sean Connery Bond movies when I was three years old. Of course, it doesn’t flow as well when your name is the size of a small city (population 20,000 or less)’s phone book, but it still felt good. It felt damn good.
“This is Brenda Brundtland-Govanni from Universe 000000000026,” I said loud enough for the TGG™ to pick up over the din of journalism. “I am at the Multiverse and Environs News Association Awards Dinner and Humiliation Ball, preparing to interview Brenda Brundtland-Govanni from Universe 000000000008. Why is the Editrix-in-Chief of the Alternate Reality News Network doing an actual interview? Because the reporter I originally assigned to do it couldn’t find his asshole with a flashlight, a road map and both hands – and, I’m pretty sure he’s tried – and I don’t want MY universe’s ARNN to look incompetent. So, as soon as I find her, we can start broadcasting.”
“Actually,” my TTG™ – which I not so affectionately named Gidget – replied, “you’re already live.”
I twisted my lips in an expression that made a few bystanders wilt. “Thanks for telling me,” I muttered. The Brenda Brundtland-Govannis from the six other universes whose ARNN had been nominated for awards were easy to find. Really, we’re like giraffes among a herd of pygmy elephants. Giraffes with the hearts of lions. Girions. Ain’t genetic manipulation grand?
I found the Brenda Brundtland-Govanni I was looking for clutching an award in one hand and a drink in the other and walked towards her.
“Congratulations,” I congratulated her as I took at a seat at her table.
“For what?” she asked. She waved her drink with an expertise that bordered on mathematical: it sloshed to and fro, but not a single drop was spilled. “Brenda from Universe 000000000014 will always be a better dresser than I am. Brenda from Universe 000000000003 will always be a better dancer than I am – look at her. How can somebody so tall be so graceful? It defies the laws of physics. Brenda from Universe 000000000011 has the best collection of mint condition first edition Kilgore Trout novels in the multiverse. Even you – you have a…Google Oogley™.”
“Google Goggles™,” I corrected her.
“Gaggle Giggles™,” she stated. Before I could correct her afresh, Brenda’s eyes narrowed and she darkly intoned, “You’re not…broadcasting this live? ARE…YOU?”
“Of course not,” I assured her. “Broadcasting without your permission would be unethical.”
“But, you are broadcasting,” Gidget protested into my ear.
Not now, I thought. I couldn’t remember if Gidget could read my brainwave patterns – score one for the manual readers – but we all live in hope. Hoping – See? What did I tell you? – that my face gave nothing away, I continued: “If you can spare me a couple of minutes, I would be almost delighted to interview you about winning the award.”
“You have already started the interview,” Gidget insisted.
Really not a good time, I thought at it.
“I’ll get one of my reporters to interview me when I get back to my own universe,” Brenda said.
“Really?” I asked. “You would trust any of them to be able to capture the glory of this moment?”
“Well, there’s always –” Brenda started.
“Don’t forget,” I cut her off, “that in my own universe I have worked intimately with them all. As disgusting as the idea sounds when I put it that way. I already know who you will recommend, and I already have an argument for why you will regret it.”
“I’ll interview myself, then,” Brenda threateningly muttered. Threattured.
“Don’t you think that’s been overdone?” I replied. Brenda thought about this for a moment. Before she could realize the flaw in my argument, I added: “I’ll make it quick.”
Swigging the last of her drink, Brenda growled, “Fine. I’ll do it.”
I put one finger to my ear and said out loud, “Gidget, power on.”
“You’re not fooling anyone, you know,” Gidget replied.
I waited a couple of seconds for the effect, then said, “Okay. We’re live.”
“Okay,” Brenda said. “What do you want to know?”
Deciding to enjoy myself, at her… my? …expense, I paused thoughtfully and asked, “How does it feel to win an award for a segment about a man speeding his way to enlightenment?” [For more on this story, see: “The 10 Thousand Names of Dog”]
“Like cottage cheese in the mouth of Edward Norton vactor Genovese Ribbit-Ribbit playing a serial killer,” she sourly responded. “How would you expect it to feel?”
About like that, I thought.
“You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?” Gidget asked.
Of course I am.
Out loud, I continued, “Oh, come now, it’s an award-winning piece about a man who found a short cut to the end of the game.” I smiled politely, or as close as I could fake it.
“How does it feel?” Brenda sneered. “Jesus begesus, could you be any more of an amateur? Every first year journalism student knows that questions about feelings show that you haven’t done any research about the interview subject!”
Okay, maybe it wasn’t quite as much fun now. “You never went to journalism school,” I bluntly told her.
“I didn’t have to go to journalism school,” she barked back. “I work with journalists every day! I learned everything I need to know about journalism by ferking osmosis!”
“Well, fine, Ms. Osmosis,” I retorted, “if you know so much about journalism, how about you tell our viewers at home what you think they should know about winning this award?”
“Awards are for losers with huge ambitions and little tiny peepees,” she responded. “Little ones. Microscopic. Even the women who win awards. Especially the women who win awards. The only important thing is the work. Except, people who say that are losers, because being a journalist is a just marginally better career choice than being a septic tank high diver, and only because you sometimes get to make fun of important people. No, it’s the people you meet who make life worthwhile. Not the rich ones, obviously – they’re greedheaded bastards who are, for the most part, psychopathic. And, not the poor ones, either – they’re dumbasses who couldn’t hit the septic tank if it was 20 feet wide if they jumped off a five foot high diving board! And, not the ones in middle, either – they’re muddlers, and everybody knows that muddlers are just pathetic!”
When Brenda stopped to take a breath, I thought I saw an opening to ask another question. Unfortunately, I didn’t seize it quickly enough.
“So, I guess what I’m saying is that life is a journey,” she continued. “Except that, it’s mostly detours and potholes and flat tires. Flat ones. Driving on the rims, really.” Brenda hugged the Multiverse and Environs News Association Award to her chest, which, given the various pointy bits that stuck out at odd angles, must have hurt, hurt like the dickens, although she seemed impervious to the pain. “So, we have to grab as much pleasure as we can, because joy is fleeting but suffering is the background radiation of everybody’s universe. And, that’s why I love my award.”
It was about at this point that I wondered if I, or she, or both of us might just be certifiable.
And then I hoped Gidget hadn’t heard that.
“Dream on,” Gidget responded.
Before I could respond to her response, Brenda blurted, “It’s all a lie! We have an update to the story that will be published Tuesday that shows that everything we knew about the disappearance of Ho-Lee Krackauer was wrong! He didn’t achieve satori – he got a bonk on the head and ran away with the circus!” [For more on this story – and, you know you’re curious, don’t try to deny it – see: “What We Didn’t Know and When We Didn’t Know It”] “Well! It doesn’t matter! They’re going to have to pry the award’s pointy bits from where they are poking into my cold, dead chest! Owwwww!”
I looked at the alternate version of myself with pity. There but for the grace of a few bad life choices – okay, probably more than a few, but I’m trying to be poetic, here – went I. There was only way of responded to this sad spectacle: I ordered Gidget to shoot it all, down to the last shuddering detail. It was the least I could do.
I’m sure that if the roles had been reversed, Brenda would have shown me the same respect.
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Author Bio: Ira Nayman is a class M planet in the Orion constellation. Or, is he a Toronto based humour writer. If he was, Ira would have a Web site, Les Pages aux Folles (http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca), which is updated weekly with new writing and cartoons. He would have three collections of Alternate Reality News Service stories in print (Alternate Reality Ain’t What It Used To Be, What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children’s Toys and Luna for the Lunies!) and would be looking for a publisher for a novel, Welcome to the Multiverse*. He would have produced the pilot for a radio play based on those stories, called “The Weight of Information,” and a book trailer called “A Book Trailer Called ‘Book Trailer,’” both of which could be found on YouTube. In 2010, Ira would have won first prize in the Jonathan Swift Satire Writing Contest. But, perhaps he is a class M planet dreaming he is a humour writer…
* Sorry for the Inconvenience
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/ira.nayman
Twitter: https://twitter.com/#!/ARNSProprietor
GoodReads: http://www.goodreads.com/search?utf8=%E2%9C%93&query=Ira+Nayman
Buy Link: Alternate Reality Ain’t What It Used To Be on Kindle
Buy Link: What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children’s Toys in Print
Buy Link: Luna for the Lunies! in Print
Buy Link: Luna for the Lunies! on Smashwords
“The Weight of Information, Part One:” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0GdLRV-S4mY
“The Weight of Information, Part Two:” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIXAi9gnpSk
This is the pilot for a radio series based on stories out of the first two Alternate Reality News Service books.
