The Writing Process: Relationships

It should be obvious that even writers are obliged to treat other people with respect and kindness. Unfortunately, there are some who think that being a writer entitles them to, well, whatever they want. There are even those who have never actually produced a full work of fiction, be it ever so short, who think the world owes them something due to their, ahem, genius.

I’d like to think it’s the younger, more impressionable type of person who falls for this sort of thinking, but I believe we have all heard stories of those who throw their weight around in a, “Do you know who I am?” fashion. Not that such behaviour is limited to writers, of course. Compared with (some) actors we writers are almost saintly. Then again, we don’t have people flattering us from sun up to sun down. Mums don’t count, at least, not in this instance.

I once toyed with an idea for a story in which a novice writer sees one of her heroes, a literary giant, in a bookshop. He is behaving like a boor and she can’t decide if that should put her off reading his books. I never wrote the story because I couldn’t pin down how I felt about it. I still can’t. I can understand both sides of the argument too well.

One of the things that bothers editors, agents, and publishers most is when novice writers are abusive towards them. “Stop what you’re doing,” the cover letter says, “and pay attention to the greatest novel ever written…” Yes, people do actually write things like this.

Most of you reading this will be shaking your head and saying, “This is obvious. Even little kids know they should play nicely with others.” However, in this age of entitlement, it seems that many adults could learn lessons from five-year olds. I’m not just talking about actual or would-be writers, here, it’s everywhere in society. I believe in XYZ, and if you don’t, then you must be an evil or stupid person. Or as Paul Simon once eloquently put it, One man’s ceiling is another man’s floor.

Manners Matter

When I was still in single digits, I was taught both at home and in school the rules of etiquette. Don’t put your elbows on the table. Don’t push in front of others in a queue. Say please and thank you and may I. I’m not sure children are taught this any more. Judging by the behaviour of some adults, I don’t think such lessons have been taught for a long time.

Sometimes I wonder what the customs officials in New York made of Oscar Wilde when he — allegedly — said, “I have nothing to declare but my genius.”

Are manners old-fashioned? Perhaps. But treating people as you would like to be treated can never go out of style. No one likes a bully. That seems to have been forgotten by many people. Instead, today’s rhetoric is look out for number one. Add a belief in your own superiority and you have a truly toxic concoction.

Away with the fairies

We use this expression in Ireland for when people are lost in their own thoughts. I’m prone to such visits to the fairies; I suspect most writers are. Unfortunately, such episodes can be perceived as rudeness. We are figuring out a plot point, or trying to name our hero, and then someone points out that we have been holding up the supermarket line for ten minutes. Oops!

Listening to the call of the wee folk isn’t done intentionally, but it can still seem rude to other people. In Ireland, such lapses tend to be viewed fairly generously. “Don’t worry, love, it happens to the best of us,” is what I often hear. The fact that I am a woman of several decades probably helps.

Being caught up in one’s own thoughts is an occupational hazard for a writer. A snippet of overheard conversation or even just the way the light filters through the trees can set us off. This is one of the few examples of a writer behaving in an attention-getting way. Provided, of course, it isn’t done just for show.

The Margo Channing Philosophy

In All About Eve, the main character, Margo (played in the film by Bette Davis), says,

Funny business, a woman’s career – the things you drop on your way up the ladder so you can move faster. You forget you’ll need them again when you get back to being a woman.

Eventually, we all have to come to terms with our own humanity and mortality. You may treat other people with disdain, but there may come a time when you need them again. Don’t be so certain they will forget or forgive your previous behaviour. I’m not saying you should behave kindly because it’s in your own interests to do so, but because it’s the right thing. Which brings us to…

The Utter-Nutter Caveat

Several years ago, I read a chapter of my work-in-progress to the writing group gang. It was generally well received, but one individual took exception. I’m talking serious exception. The subject of law suits was bandied about. Why? Because one of my characters had the same last name as she. I must admit, I did know her last name, but I had forgotten it while I was writing. It wasn’t a particularly uncommon name either. The person in question was not buying it. I was trying to insult her.

Others in the group pointed out that a) the name was hardly unique to her, and b) the character in question was lovely. It didn’t matter. She demanded a copy of the chapter because she wanted a second — or third — opinion from someone she trusted. A couple of weeks later, she returned the chapter and said no more about it. She didn’t offer an apology or even an excuse. She expected things to carry on as usual. As you can imagine, I subsequently distanced myself from her and she quit the group not long after.

To the best of my knowledge, I had never treated this person with anything other than polite interest. She had joined the writers’ group because she wanted to socialise. She made it clear that she would have preferred if we had been a knitters group, or gathered to talk about angels. Yes, really. Writing was just an excuse to be there. What I learned from my interaction with her is that even if you behave as kindly and generously to everyone you meet, there will still be the bonkers brigade who cannot forgive that you can do something they can’t. They may not have any interest in writing, themselves, but that’s not the point. They don’t like anyone to be different, to be talented or, worst of all, successful. My advice: continue to be as kind as you would with anyone else, but watch your back.

Bridges burned

I often think that writers have it easy compared with actors. We can remain anonymous if we so choose. We don’t have to audition before a crowd of sceptics. And if our work is rejected, we can lick our wounds in private. That said, some writers can’t be satisfied if they don’t throw a strop. Some write the most appalling hate mail to the poor sod who rejected their story. Death threats, name calling, and abuse of every kind comes flooding out from these people like muck from a sewer.

How many of these darlings go on to be famous? I haven’t seen any statistics, but I suspect the number is extremely low. Editors et al talk to one another. If you think they don’t warn their colleagues about particularly toxic writers, let’s just say your naïveté is charming. Misplaced, but charming.

Treat people as you would like to be treated. More, treat them as you would like the person you love most to be treated. Even if you don’t do it to be a decent human being, remember Margo Channing: the people you meet on your way up the ladder will be waiting for you as you make your way down.

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