Why “tolerance” isn’t enough

The news of Rodney King's death is making the rounds of the media today. For those of us who were around during the riots spawned by the police abuse incident, we can all remember King's impassioned plea on TV: "Can't we just all get along?"

It's his words that sparked a memory that leads to today's post. Good question, Mr. King: we can get along...the question is really, why don't we? I'd like to examine that idea today and see what you think about why it is that we have so much dissent and disharmony in this world.

Over the past several years, one of the big buzzwords has been "Tolerance."  We are advised to be "tolerant," to "teach tolerance," -- there's even a Museum of Tolerance!  Religious tolerance, gender tolerance, cultural tolerance...you name it, we are expected to "tolerate."

But what is this "tolerance" we are preaching anyway? For this, I'd like to share with you some of the concepts we offer our schools and students as part of the SocialSmarts' "Exploring the Virtues" curriculum.  In the "Tolerance vs. Acceptance" lesson in Virtues I, we drill down into these two concepts and really get to what they mean, and how they affect us.

In order to understand something, we often have to define it first. And, this is how the lesson begins.  From the Lower GradeSchool curriculum track, we provide the following definition for Tolerance -

Tolerance: Putting up with something or someone different from what we are used to.

 When you stop to think about it, each and every one of us is "different" in some way. Maybe it's our background, where we came from, how we grew up.  Maybe I have a college education but some of the people I hang out with don't. I like gardening, others are into remote-control planes. I have blue eyes and brown hair; my best friend is blonde.  I mean, we are ALL different. To make this point to our young students, we suggest the class create a "differences chart" that illustrates, by varying characteristics how no two students (or include the teacher if you like) have exactly the same set of characteristics.

This is all good, but it's only the FIRST step in the lesson. Notice that Tolerance, by definition, means we are "putting up with" others in spite of their differences. "You're different, but I'll deal with it, in spite of your differences." It's like saying that we, ourselves, are the yardstick for "normal."  YOU are different; I AM the norm. And, because I'm a great person who is politically correct by being TOLERANT, I'll put up with those differences.

Now, let's take it a step further and move to "Acceptance."  By our SocialSmarts definition (for the younger students) we explain Acceptance is...

Approving of something (or someone) and treating it as normal, right, or included.

By this definition, Acceptance means that I consider you to be just as normal and "right" as I am. Differences aside, I include you and welcome you.  It comes, partially, from the understanding that we have more in common that we have differences.  I may have a particular gender orientation and you have a different one, but ultimately we are both wanting the same thing: love, understanding, and to be caring and cared by someone who matters to us. I may believe in one form of religion or spirituality and what you believe in may be different, but as a rule, we are trying to live a decent, positive life where we don't intentionally hurt others. And, who am I to say whether your way or mine is "more right?" Just because I don't agree or don't practice what you do doesn't make you "inferior."

There's another issue when it comes to the difference between Tolerance and Acceptance. And, it's a VERY important distinction. You see, no matter who we are or how hard we try, at some point in our lives we are going to meet someone whom we don’t like, or with whom we don’t agree.  We may have to work with them and get along with them.  If we don’t learn to be tolerant of other people’s differences, we just won’t be able to co-exist.

But, merely “co-existing” in the same space really isn't enough.  Tolerance really refers to just “putting up” with something or someone, even if we don’t like it.  It’s a passive state — one that keeps us stuck in the same spot.  We explained to students that it’s the same thing as when we say, “Ok, I will if I have to.”  But it’s clear we really don’t like it.  Tolerance is a state that focuses on our differences.

Being accepting, on the other hand, is an active state, where we not only understand and tolerate someone’s differences, but we appreciate them and value them.  Acceptance recognizes that while we are different, we probably have more things in common than we have differences, and often those differences compliment each other.  Acceptance gives us forward movement; it brings people closer together by including both sides.

What we also do in SocialSmarts is relate these concepts back to previous lessons students have learned. In this case, tolerance is, in a way, another form of patience.  But acceptance requires not only patience, but empathy, which, in turn, requires understanding that as different as we may be, we’re basically all the same in what we want, what we need, and in our inalienable rights to want those things.

 So, while "Tolerance" seems to be what everyone is shooting for, I would like to put forth that this isn't enough. While we probably won't always get along at all times, we can certainly strive to be more accepting and understanding of others, regardless of where they come from and who they are. Oftentimes, we'll find that we are more and better together, because of the different perspectives, life experiences and personalities we bring to the table, than we could ever be on our own. As best-selling author, J.K. Rowling has said, "Differences of habit and language are nothing at all if our aims are identical and our hearts are open.”

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Did you like this? Do you know that the SocialSmarts curriculum for students pre-K through High School is available to schools and private groups?  Email SocialSmarts for more information on how to get started.