On the Thrill of Secrecy, of Love and Writing

Dear Reader,

It’s 5:30am in Bengaluru when I sit to write this. There’s still one hour for the sun to rise and light up the world.

I have been awake since 4am, and decided to start my day instead of failing at going back to sleep again. Such becomes the state when you have mild fever and cold - enough to make you uncomfortable but not enough for you to take medicines.

As I look out at the pitch black outside my window, I recall the nights and mornings of waking up early or sleeping late in order to be able to write.

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When you are in your 20s, you have a lot of friends and the concept of me-time is alien to many. I would come back home at 1am after a night of socializing, and then work on my book The Art of Letting Go till 3am after which I would go to sleep.

I would stay awake past 11pm for my roommates to sleep, so that I could write on my blog.

I would wake up early on Sundays to write at least one poem on Instagram before my friends could wake up and ask me to have the morning tea together.

And on nights of discomfort owing to any health condition, I would jot down poems and publish them on Facebook, until a senior doctor friend and fellow writer would wake up and read it and prescribe some medicines.

Such has been my creative writing journey while juggling a regular job along with part-time work as a tutor or a journalist while also pursuing long-term career goals of cracking an exam or studying a new subject related to the field of my work.

In 2025, I don’t have to strategize to find time to write. Friends ask for my time but only over phone. We no longer live in the same hostel or house or apartment complex. That’s how 30s look like.

Adding to it, I also left my job some three years back, so there are no obligations to colleagues’ messages or work emails or meetings.

There’s plenty of time for me. And so, I hardly write!

It’s not the same as it was.

It was like courting a lover - it’s more fun when you are doing it in secrecy at a public place than when they are right in front of you at the comfort of your own space. The thrill to strategize a “chance” meeting with the lover is missing now.

But as you grow up, you realize love isn’t the thrill of meeting in a private corner of a public space. It’s more about being in the same space every day, and still not losing your individuality for your goals and your respect for the other person.

And so, I no longer intend to flirt with writing like I used to but embrace it like an old lover - safe to be with, and always present in my proximity.

As I look out the window at the darkness outside, while birds chirp into the void awaiting the sunrise, I recall how I once used to hustle really hard to find quiet like this. Today, I can write at 3pm or even at 5pm, and I would still be in a quiet place without any obligation from a friend, colleague or room-mate.

But it’s 5.45am now, and I sit to write.

Sometimes, we still gotta keep some thrill in our old love-life alive.

*

My debut novel is now released and people have started receiving the copies already. If you haven’t placed your order, place it today via this link.

I should have written my first novel in my 20s like it was expected of me owing to all the short stories I wrote and got published. It’s 13 years too late now, but at least we are here today!

With love,

Sanhita Baruah

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