Dear Tara: How do you know when it's time to end a ...
Dear Tara: How do you know when it's time to end a relationship, especially if you know that other people will be hurt if you do? ~ M in Philly, PA
Dear M in PA:
This kind of question has me at a high peak in Portland, where I live. I sit on a slatted green bench where initials and hearts have been carved into the wood. The view is overgrown grass, two hundred year old pines and reservoirs that hold the city water supply. Way out is the valley of Portland and then beyond is the rise of the west hills. More pine trees, power lines and cell phone towers. Near my bench, a little boy with a green cape tied around his neck runs in a circle. “I am king of the world,” he shouts, “I AM KING OF THE WORLD.”
And then there is the cool wind, which moves in a steady steam up and over the rise of Mt. Tabor and makes a sound like waves on the ocean only it’s not waves, it’s the wind in the trees. Legend has it that Tara is the goddess of wind who moves in the same swift and clear way. Her color is said to be green too, like all these trees that surround me now. So Tara is in the wind and in the trees and this is a good thing because your question needs everything Tara has got and more.
~
To leave a relationship is to bring about a form of death. No matter how bad things are in your current situation, no matter how lonely and grim and even sad, when it’s over—more of that will come. It’s inevitable. Leaving is an end. Death. Are you ready? That might be what’s going on in this question. It’s the inner question that we must ask about timing. Is this the right time?
The first and most important consideration is the children. If you have kids, think about their ages and their temperaments.
1) How will they be without you in their day-to-day life?
2) How will they be watching their mother struggle when she no longer has you at her back to help with the routine, the homework and those times at night when the little ones wake up with a bad dream or illness?
3) How will your young ones handle the emotions you and your partner will feel and likely express as the split takes place?
4) Can they manage the drama that will be part of the home deconstruction, the legal battle and the financial loss?
Children do not ask for their situations, they are at the mercy of adults and it’s our job—I would even call it karma—to love them without consideration to ourselves. As you consider leaving your current situation, think of your kids. Think very hard.
The next consideration is cost. The financial truth about divorce is that it will clean you out and set you back, financially, for about five years—if not longer. If your wife does not work, or makes less than you, there is child support and alimony to pay--for years-and of course the attorney costs. $250 to $400 an hour eats through $10,000 faster than you might imagine. Are you prepared for that cost?
Last, the big question to ask yourself is about yourself. Are you ready to face whatever it is that ails you—deep in your own heart? Leaving a marriage means you take away the mirror. You are left with yourself and here’s the hard part. Right now, you might think the problem is your wife. If only she would change. And it might be her, a little bit, but the bigger problem has everything to do with you. I don’t mean that in an unkind way. I’m not saying you are bad or have done anything wrong. That’s not the point. The point is that we often expect too much from the people we love. We expect them to understand us, to take away our hurt and to know us better than we know ourselves. But no human being is able to do all this. This is the price of being human. We will fail each other. Over and over again. We will break each others hearts. To leave your woman, the mother of your children, will not change the truth about humanity.
You might find another, take comfort in her arms for a while but you will find yourself in this unhappy, unfulfilled state again. This is also part of being human. We cannot find happiness from anything or anyone out there. I’m sorry. It’s hard to hear. But it’s true. Happiness isn’t out there. So now the question becomes this: are you ready to go inside to find the love you want? Can you stop looking outward to lovers, sex, work, electronics (if you into that kind of thing), career status, and even to your children? Can you turn instead, to yourself, and see that all you will ever need is within? This is the hardest question a person can ask himself or herself but it’s necessary if happiness—lasting happiness—is to be inherited. Looking in the mirror, at yourself, can you see the beloved you want your wife to be? And if you can’t, can you at least recognize that the distance between you at this moment and the perfect you within, is the distance you need to travel beginning right now? Think about it. You are going to die alone. You will die into yourself—that wondrous energy that is you right now. What is your state of mind? Are you awake to your potential? Are you aware you are bliss and love and perfection? Very few of us understand the miracle of our own lives and how we are part of this phenomenal and complex universe. You are alive. You are precious. But do you cherish yourself? You know, I believe it’s okay to be married to someone and drift apart for a bit. It’s okay to lose your self and then find yourself again, all while being with the same man or woman. And it’s also okay not to be blissfully happy every single year of a marriage. That’s life. There are good years and there are not so good years and in the end, we do our best. We just keep trying. What more can we do?
As I write this, a man and his son arrive on bikes. They stop to take in the view and stand about four feet away. The son is in his twenties. The father is past fifty. The son asks his father for relationship advice. I swear. It’s happening right now and what I hear the man say is this. “What I have found out, after years with your mom, is that relationships are like a puzzle that come into focus and then seem to go out of focus just as quick. I realized that what I wanted from her was there all along but sometimes I just couldn’t see it.”
The son nods while his dad talks and it’s sweet. But can he understand?
The little boy of while back, that one with green cape, is gone. No one is up here now yelling, "I AM KING OF THE WORLD." Instead, it's me, writing to you and eavesdropping on a man who attempts to give relationship advice to his young son. I can hear the weariness and the awe in the father's voice as he speaks to his son. The tone of his voice says everything about what it is to be in a relationship. Oh, the complexity, the disappointment and even the wonder of it all.
So the question you ask is this: How do you know when it's time to end a relationship, especially if you know that other people will be hurt if you do? I think about what the Dalai Lama says. “If you can’t be helpful, at least don’t cause any harm.” So that is the advice I can offer now. Take the path that causes the least amount of harm to you and those you love. Good luck, M. Good luck.
Dear M in PA:
This kind of question has me at a high peak in Portland, where I live. I sit on a slatted green bench where initials and hearts have been carved into the wood. The view is overgrown grass, two hundred year old pines and reservoirs that hold the city water supply. Way out is the valley of Portland and then beyond is the rise of the west hills. More pine trees, power lines and cell phone towers. Near my bench, a little boy with a green cape tied around his neck runs in a circle. “I am king of the world,” he shouts, “I AM KING OF THE WORLD.”
And then there is the cool wind, which moves in a steady steam up and over the rise of Mt. Tabor and makes a sound like waves on the ocean only it’s not waves, it’s the wind in the trees. Legend has it that Tara is the goddess of wind who moves in the same swift and clear way. Her color is said to be green too, like all these trees that surround me now. So Tara is in the wind and in the trees and this is a good thing because your question needs everything Tara has got and more. ~
To leave a relationship is to bring about a form of death. No matter how bad things are in your current situation, no matter how lonely and grim and even sad, when it’s over—more of that will come. It’s inevitable. Leaving is an end. Death. Are you ready? That might be what’s going on in this question. It’s the inner question that we must ask about timing. Is this the right time?
The first and most important consideration is the children. If you have kids, think about their ages and their temperaments.
1) How will they be without you in their day-to-day life?
2) How will they be watching their mother struggle when she no longer has you at her back to help with the routine, the homework and those times at night when the little ones wake up with a bad dream or illness?
3) How will your young ones handle the emotions you and your partner will feel and likely express as the split takes place?
4) Can they manage the drama that will be part of the home deconstruction, the legal battle and the financial loss?
Children do not ask for their situations, they are at the mercy of adults and it’s our job—I would even call it karma—to love them without consideration to ourselves. As you consider leaving your current situation, think of your kids. Think very hard.
The next consideration is cost. The financial truth about divorce is that it will clean you out and set you back, financially, for about five years—if not longer. If your wife does not work, or makes less than you, there is child support and alimony to pay--for years-and of course the attorney costs. $250 to $400 an hour eats through $10,000 faster than you might imagine. Are you prepared for that cost?
Last, the big question to ask yourself is about yourself. Are you ready to face whatever it is that ails you—deep in your own heart? Leaving a marriage means you take away the mirror. You are left with yourself and here’s the hard part. Right now, you might think the problem is your wife. If only she would change. And it might be her, a little bit, but the bigger problem has everything to do with you. I don’t mean that in an unkind way. I’m not saying you are bad or have done anything wrong. That’s not the point. The point is that we often expect too much from the people we love. We expect them to understand us, to take away our hurt and to know us better than we know ourselves. But no human being is able to do all this. This is the price of being human. We will fail each other. Over and over again. We will break each others hearts. To leave your woman, the mother of your children, will not change the truth about humanity. You might find another, take comfort in her arms for a while but you will find yourself in this unhappy, unfulfilled state again. This is also part of being human. We cannot find happiness from anything or anyone out there. I’m sorry. It’s hard to hear. But it’s true. Happiness isn’t out there. So now the question becomes this: are you ready to go inside to find the love you want? Can you stop looking outward to lovers, sex, work, electronics (if you into that kind of thing), career status, and even to your children? Can you turn instead, to yourself, and see that all you will ever need is within? This is the hardest question a person can ask himself or herself but it’s necessary if happiness—lasting happiness—is to be inherited. Looking in the mirror, at yourself, can you see the beloved you want your wife to be? And if you can’t, can you at least recognize that the distance between you at this moment and the perfect you within, is the distance you need to travel beginning right now? Think about it. You are going to die alone. You will die into yourself—that wondrous energy that is you right now. What is your state of mind? Are you awake to your potential? Are you aware you are bliss and love and perfection? Very few of us understand the miracle of our own lives and how we are part of this phenomenal and complex universe. You are alive. You are precious. But do you cherish yourself? You know, I believe it’s okay to be married to someone and drift apart for a bit. It’s okay to lose your self and then find yourself again, all while being with the same man or woman. And it’s also okay not to be blissfully happy every single year of a marriage. That’s life. There are good years and there are not so good years and in the end, we do our best. We just keep trying. What more can we do?
As I write this, a man and his son arrive on bikes. They stop to take in the view and stand about four feet away. The son is in his twenties. The father is past fifty. The son asks his father for relationship advice. I swear. It’s happening right now and what I hear the man say is this. “What I have found out, after years with your mom, is that relationships are like a puzzle that come into focus and then seem to go out of focus just as quick. I realized that what I wanted from her was there all along but sometimes I just couldn’t see it.”
The son nods while his dad talks and it’s sweet. But can he understand? The little boy of while back, that one with green cape, is gone. No one is up here now yelling, "I AM KING OF THE WORLD." Instead, it's me, writing to you and eavesdropping on a man who attempts to give relationship advice to his young son. I can hear the weariness and the awe in the father's voice as he speaks to his son. The tone of his voice says everything about what it is to be in a relationship. Oh, the complexity, the disappointment and even the wonder of it all.
So the question you ask is this: How do you know when it's time to end a relationship, especially if you know that other people will be hurt if you do? I think about what the Dalai Lama says. “If you can’t be helpful, at least don’t cause any harm.” So that is the advice I can offer now. Take the path that causes the least amount of harm to you and those you love. Good luck, M. Good luck.
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