REVIEW: At Dark, I Become Loathsome by Eric LaRocca
At Dark, I Become Loathsome is the echoing refrain that creeps through Eric LaRocca’s latest novel like a vine seeking you out, intent to pull you down into the undergrowth. In a tribute to grief, loss, self-loathing, identity and desire, LaRocca has written a darkly emotive story that looks to bring out some harsh realities of the human experience around these themes.
The novel is primarily narrated by Ashley Lutin, a man who has lost his wife to cancer and lost his young son in an abduction outside a grocery store. Since then, Lutin has mourned in some unconventional ways, delving deep and fast into body modification to wear his grief and convince others of the ugliness he feels inside. He is submerged in self-loathing and despair, often repeating the phrase At Dark, I Become Loathsome to part-explain, part-justify his behaviours. Convinced he is a foul and evil man, Lutin has given up on any joy he once had and instead leans into the darkness.
Lutin has carved himself a niche online as someone to go to if you’re desperate to change your outlook on life; to make yourself want to live again. He’s devised a ritual that his clients can pay for, a ‘fake death’ that aims to reset a person’s mind and mitigate their suicidality. At Dark, I Become Loathsome is also told, in part, in an epistolary format featuring extracts from Lutin’s instructional guides on how to carry out these rituals.
As grief, violence, desire and lust continue to blur for our narrator, his grasp of right and wrong also becomes hazier as he engages in more extreme activities all while wrestling with monumental self-loathing that permeates every other aspect of his existence. LaRocca expertly dances along and crosses these emotional themelines to highlight how close some of these experiences can become, especially in the face of repeated adversity and horror.
Ashley Lutin is a queer man trying to understand and process recent tragedies against a backdrop of deeply internalised homophobia and the shadow of childhood abuse. He hates himself for his queer desires and for his attraction to the suffering of others. This man is a rich stew of self-hatred and some scenes may be difficult to read. For this, At Dark, I Become Loathsome has been described by some as ‘transgressive’, and for the close intertwining of death and sex among its pages.
I’m glad this has been successful as a traditionally published fiction, despite the uncomfortable nature of the topics it deals with. At Dark, I Become Loathsome will offer you a challenge, not least to recognise that art is there to do more than just entertain us.
Read At Dark, I Become Loathsome by Eric LaRoccaThe post REVIEW: At Dark, I Become Loathsome by Eric LaRocca appeared first on Grimdark Magazine.
