My College Diary

I didn’t black out my diary like this—my process involved underlining parts I wanted to keep—but this gives a sense of how much is missing.

I kept a typed diary in college. It started three weeks into freshman year and ended three days into senior year. Over 1,079 days, I typed 76 entries, totaling 21,975 words.

Here, I’ve edited it down to 43 entries and 2,286 words. I edited only by deleting. I retained grammatical errors, such as incorrect comma usage, but I fixed typos and standardized the word-level style—italicizing books, etc.

An erasure poem is made by blacking out words in a poem. Memory is a mode of erasure that blacks out most of life. A diary is an erasure of memory—everything not written is blacked out. This post is an erasure diary where the smallest unit of erasure was the sentence. I erased 89.6 percent of the original. I feel wonder, thinking back to my college self, who did not anticipate this happening to his private diary.

2001

9/26

Today I had lunch with Veska and Catherine at Third North. I know that nothing really went wrong but I always feel disappointed when I don’t have a lot of fun with Veska.

9/29

After work I watched Gattaca on my computer. What a great movie, really moving.

10/3

Jessica thinks that I don’t like her because I don’t talk to her but I think she is really nice and interesting, I am just like this. Veska told Jessica that I don’t talk to her either, so remember, like in the handbook… they think I DON’T LIKE THEM, they don’t NOT like me. People that is.

10/18

After writing class I kind of just drifted away from Kevin and Vivick even though we were walking the same direction. I don’t know, I just have this thing where I think people don’t want to be my friend.

10/20

I’m going to walk real far and listen to my tapes then my CDs tonight. I just want to get away from all this.

10/31

Halloween. Went to my classes, went to work. Came back, did homework and study. Wrote a poem and short story. Now I sleep.

12/04

Already December, my life is slipping away. I talked to Veska today. She came to check out a book. We talked. It was nice.

 

2002

[I made no entries that year]

[end of freshman year]

 

2003

1/13

Adam and I’s first day in London we walked around Oxford street for a while then went to a high-class shopping mall called Harrods. We saw Buckingham Palace, saw some funny stores (BRB, Buybest, Hobgoblin Musix) and saw Big Ben. After a while it became like a job going to landmarks and taking pictures.

1/17

We headed out at 2 p.m. and once we reached Victoria Station we were bored. Adam told me that he felt trapped because there was nothing to do, but the day before I had told him that I felt trapped—I wonder if he didn’t listen to me, or forgot, or what, but Geri does the same thing.

1/18

I got really depressed tonight—almost out of nowhere. I was happy, in the airport I felt good, even after the 8 hour flight and even without coffee I felt good. We went outside and it quickly became obvious that New York is one of the worst cities in the world.

1/19

I woke up and tried to be upbeat, but just couldn’t. When I woke, I felt as if I had horrible amounts of gas or something—it was that kind of feeling—most of the day I laid in bed, never quite falling asleep. Geri read beside me and when I opened my eyes to look at her, she would look back and I wouldn’t know to talk or turn away or what. I tried keeping the blanket over my eyes to avoid that.

4/22

While my dad’s lawyer made his case, the judge thumbed through the dictionary-thick packet of evidence for my dad’s case that my dad’s lawyer had put together. He thumbed through it as if it was a specialty magazine that he once had a brief interest in. The sentence came and it was 70 months in prison.

[…]

My dad joked and laughed. “I can finish the lasers now!” He smiled and laughed later and pretty soon was talking about how the pigeons in the park had really fat necks.

4/23

I sort of wish I could spend a year in Vietnam.

[end of sophomore year]

5/24

On the phone, I tried to start telling Geri about my day, but my voice sounded flat. I tried to be happy but it was horrible—my mood plummeted and I ran some tears too. I felt like ending my life. It was so sudden.

[…]

I know I love her because when I’m with her I don’t feel unproductive, (as I do without her when I’m not creating art or work) I just feel happy and lessened of the burden of having to create. I love that Geri never complains when she’s with me.

5/26

I started White Noise by DeLillo and am enjoying it.

5/27

I’m going to write a novel.

6/5

Geri and I got into an argument again last night. We were fine for about an hour but then she wanted to know why I didn’t want to go to her house in MA and I was joking—I said, “Because the carpet is ugly, it’s brown.” And she said that only one room had brown carpet and the other rooms had blue carpet, and I said, “The second worst color,” referring to the blue carpet, and she seemed to be offended by it. That put me in a mood and I just couldn’t talk anymore.

[…]

I haven’t written anything since my story about the kid confessing to his parents his dream of being a grocer.

6/16

It’s hard to believe that I can find someone to be with that would stay with me for 8 months.

8/11

Dad came out and hugged Mom and I. He looked really happy. He said that he was reading before we came. He said that everyone inside gambled. His stomach was still fat but his skin color looked very healthy.

[…]

When we left, Dad hugged Mom and he must have grabbed her ass, because a guard called him over. Dad said that the guard said, “Don’t grab her ass.” Dad said: “What’s ass?” The guard laughed and said, “Don’t grab her ass.”

9/30

Geri and I broke up. At first, she broke up with me, then she wanted back, and I said no, but then I said yes, and then we fought again and broke up again, and then we got back again, and then I broke up with her and then she wanted to get back together and I said okay and then she said that no, she wanted to break up, and again she wanted back and this time I said no, we better just stay friends.

[…]

Rachel read my novel but she didn’t say anything about it. This is weird. Adam hasn’t said anything either. Neither has my brother.

[…]

Mom said that she received a letter from him where he expressed his love and that he was changing into something less business-like and more human. She said she cried for an hour after she read it.

10/5

My moods change so quickly now. I can be so depressed and lonely and then 2 or 3 hours later be happy and all that.

[…]

Tonight I was happy writing my novel and I didn’t worry about friends.

10/9

This is the worst feeling. But I like it. I like to sleep with this feeling. In some weird way, I look forward to lying down, having the lights off, and trying to cry, of thinking sad thoughts, of crying.

10/18

I hung out with Adam, Mike, Kevin, the Singaporeans, and even Veska and Victor and Alan and Jessica once. I had forgotten.

10/25

Tonight I read an Amy Hempel interview in the Paris Review which led me to read Why Did I Ever by Mary Robison, which I am still thinking about now […] Geri emailed me and said that I showed disinterest in her, and she wants to know if it’s because I think she wants to go out with me or because I don’t like her at all even as a friend. I don’t know. It’s confusing and I don’t want to think about it.

[…]

I also received a second letter from my dad. He wrote “love, Dad” for the first time ever. He said he loves me for the first time ever.

10/26

After finding Mary Robison’s email address on Google, I emailed her this long email talking about Rachel and my novel and her novel.

11/3

I workshopped my latest excerpt of my novel today. They liked it.

11/9

I spent last night and tonight completely alone (Friday and Saturday). Each day I went to write in the computer lab, wrote for about 2 to 3 hours then did some homework then went to St. Mark’s Bookshop. I ate tonight at the weird Italian/Japanese place.

11/10

I woke up at 1, got to work at 2. I worked until 7 and left to Third North computer lab. While there, I wrote till after 9. Then I worked on Reporting stuff until 11:45. Then I bought some eggs and instant noodles. Then I went back to the dorm. At the bus stop I gave a guy over 2 dollars and he talked to me about war and his Iranian psychiatrist.

11/14

It’s weird, the less I pay attention to her, the nicer she is to me. I guess it’s not that weird.

[…]

So then I saw that Singapore kid who has real big muscles. He said he weighs 160 pounds. We talked on the bus. He waited for me when he got off the bus and he said he was getting take out and he asked me if I wanted to come and I said I wasn’t eating but I’d come anyways and he said I was a good guy. I felt good then, very very good. So we talked and I told him about my novel and he was really interested, but all of a sudden he had to go buy toilet paper so we said bye.

11/24

I’ve noticed that Matt in my class always leaves class really fast and during breaks he doesn’t talk to anyone, he just looks down at his papers. I feel sad about this.

12/2

I haven’t talked to Rachel in a long long time. The last time I saw her she was walking down Lafayette towards Canal and she tapped my shoulder and waved at me, but wasn’t smiling. She had a weirdly neutral face.

[…]

I want a girlfriend with social anxiety.

12/5

Today in Reporting, on my break I went and bought a sprinkled cookie. When I came back, Rachel was checking her email. I sat there. She asked me, “Why don’t we hang out anymore?” I said, “I don’t know.” What does that mean? I don’t know.

12/13

I’m worried about what will happen when I’m done with this novel. Will I try to hang out more? But with who? The novel is my life now.

 

2004

1/21

I went to dinner with Rachel. We went to Congee Palace. While we were there, she said, “This was fun.” I think she said that a few times. And back in my dorm, when she was leaving, she said it again. “This was fun.” She said, “Let’s do this again sometime.”  I lent her two Lorrie Moore books and Mock Orange’s “First EP” (which I’ve been really into). Writing all this makes me happy.  =). Makes me realize everything that I appreciate, that I derive joy from, pleasure from. Writing. Music. Little relationships.

[…]

I think I really like Rachel. I’m just still having trouble BEING with people.

[…]

AJ said that my novel was making him crazy. The 2nd person voice. He also asked why I didn’t write about Asians. Ha.

1/30

I saw Rachel tonight. At midnight at the bus stop. She said she was sick. We talked some. But on the bus, we sat in silence for some. It was awkward, for me, at least. After, I felt sad. Before, I was so happy.

[…]

I also talked with Tara during the break. She said she’s written to Lydia Davis too, other than Lorrie Moore. Thinking back on it, she’s a really cool person to talk to. She listens and asks questions and is interested in me. She said that she thinks i’m a writing freak.

3/30

Sometimes I get this slow, life-furling moment, where I unfocus my eyes and just know that someday I’m going to end my life, that someday I just won’t be able to take it anymore. It’s an awful knowledge. Only a little bit comforting.

[end of junior year]

8/24

Today I met Tara in the street! I didn’t recognize her at first. She waved to me though, then we did a really, really tentative going towards each other, not going towards each other, thing. Finally, I took off my head phones. She was with her dad. He had glasses and a lot of nice white hair. He was small.

9/1

I sent Tara an e-mail while at work today. I read “The Lovers” by Joy Williams. I found it somewhat like Raymond Carver. I liked it a lot. Was funny, mysterious… I find that I like stories that have a lot of irresolution in them.

9/2

Tara replied to my e-mail ultra terse. It was about three short sentences.

9/3

I yelled at my mom tonight for about half an hour. She asked me if I was in the library when Dad called earlier. I got mad at that. Because she said a few weeks ago that she wouldn’t ask me “Where are you?” anymore. I overreacted. I felt like shit after. I got so angry and frustrated. I wrote three e-mails, called her back twice to “get things straight.”  I felt so awful. I was crying in the library on the second floor inside balcony area. This other Asian kid was looking on the Internet. I’ve seen him at the library before.

9/5

I almost got hit by a bus today.

9/7

Tomorrow is my first day of classes.

9/9

I’ve been eating canned tuna. And bags of pecans and almonds. I’ve been using my big earphones.

 

 

Tao Lin is the author of ten books. He is active on his blog/newsletter.