Narcissistic Family Structures | Adults Competing With Children & The “Crazy” Relative Narrative
Growing up, I had a relative (who was at least twice my age) who, in addition to being abusive in other ways, was constantly competing with me at everything I did. They were not the only relative I experienced jealousy and competitive behavior from but theirs was the most chronic. I can’t begin to describe the confusion, trauma and discomfort that I experienced being a child but having a full grown adult constantly trailing behind my every move attempting to prove their superiority over me – sometimes even in situations where doing so made them look ridiculous because they were competing with me at things that conflicted with their age.
Although I am now aware of certain factors that influenced their behavior toward me that I was not aware of previously, their behavior was still inexcusable. Whole parts of my life – significant moments in it – were snatched away from me because of this person’s jealousy. As much as I can remember (and there is always a possibility that I might be remembering wrong), no one in the family unit ever reprimanded them for their behavior toward myself or anyone else – I was not the only person who was targeted by them. Excuses were just made including one instance where, at the beginning stages of my going no contact with this particular side of the family, I was told that behavior like that of this relative that I’m writing about is “normal” for certain older relatives in a family unit. That sentiment is what inspired me to make this post:
Their behavior only got worse when they began having children that they could also use to try to make me feel inferior and it continues to this day even though I am no longer in communication with them and have not been for years now.
When I consider behaviors like this and others that I witnessed growing up in a narcissistic family structure, one of the biggest emotions I feel is anger. Does an adult obsessively competing with a child sound normal? It doesn’t to me. Yet, no one ever publicly acknowledged how abnormal (or traumatizing) this was and is. However, countless other relatives were labeled “crazy” and “unstable” for a variety of often imaginary reasons all because they had crossed an abuser in the family structure who, in retaliation, was attempting to diminish their credibility and reputation.
I know of so many people whose lives have been wrecked by the “crazy” relative (or “crazy” friend, partner, colleague, etc.) narrative that is often common in narcissistic, abusive environments. Anyone who pushes back against the abuse in these environments is labeled “crazy”. These labels can sometimes be removed or shifted to a different person (or people) depending on the abuser(s) perception of others in the environment at any given time.
These labels are sometimes reinforced by the abuser(s) pressuring their victim(s) to seek therapy, mental health support and even medication to validate that there is something “wrong” with them. But, in reality, it’s not the victim who is actually unstable – it’s the abuser(s). Now that I’m sitting here pondering it all, it reminds me so much of the stories that we often hear of women and men in previous centuries being confined to asylums all because they refused to fit into the status quo or because they angered someone who had the ability/authority to send them away. It also reminds me of the countless stories we hear of people being lobotomized for the same reasons.
I will never forget the moment I fully understood that the relatives who were always being pointed out to me as “crazy” were in fact not. They were just the ones who were willing to tell the truth about what was happening in the family. I cannot escape the gut-wrenching, vomit-inducing feeling I have when I think about how many of those relatives had their lives totally upended by the narratives that were spread about them (and to them about themselves) and the injustice of it all. Or the fact that many of these narratives are still being pushed – in some cases even though those who were victimized by them are long dead.
I also cannot escape the overwhelming desire to make something of my life, to tell about the things that I witnessed, on behalf of these people especially as someone who was/is targeted with that same “crazy” relative narrative myself. If there is one thing that narcissistic abuse has taught me, it’s to pay attention to the person in a room or environment who is being silenced with the “crazy person” label. A good chunk of the time, that person is the one who is telling you the truth that someone else doesn’t want you to know.
