The Way I See This Bonus Material
SEVERAL MONTHS LATER…
All this time, I thought I had time–time to build a career, time to fix the mess I was, time to wait for him, and time to do everything I’ve ever wanted in my life. I’d left home to achieve my dreams, and in a way, the false security of having my own place had fooled me into thinking I’d have forever to do everything without my parents objecting to it.
Now, I’m in my late twenties, and it’s eye-opening to know how delusional I have been. Time doesn’t wait for anybody, surely not for somebody like me. So while I was still working on myself and my goals, time worked on passing by and despite how much I detest it, I’ve turned of age where I can no longer ignore marriage– something I’d tried to avoid for so long. I’d told my parents I’d get married after turning twenty-five, and they had ensured I made good on the promise.
In a way, I never expected the guy, aka my future husband, to find me so soon. But fate does have a funny way of surprising us. And, mostly, I never thought I’d make it till twenty-five. No, I’m not depressed or suicidal, but being a woman in this world meant you never knew how long you had. For some, even making it till one was a huge blessing. So yeah, I wasn’t too hopeful.
The strangers standing in front of me turned into family in the past two years, and the family I’d grown up with started to feel a lot like they had never been mine. In my ears, I hear the loud tick-tock sound of the clock as it strikes twelve, signalling the end of my waiting period.
It’s a cold Monday night, and I still have so many things left unchecked on my list, but here I am, getting engaged to a guy who’s not straight from my dreams, but even better, he’s a dream himself.
My waiting period is over. My period of loving others has ended. Now, it’s my time to be loved by my fiancé. He’s a nice guy, and I’ve always liked nice, gentle, kind guys. They are stable and safe, someone I could rely on.
At the age of fourteen, falling for Sagar seemed out of control. At the age of sixteen, leaving him was the hardest thing I could do, which was in my control. At the age of nineteen, not finding his face in my college classrooms sucked more than I could ever describe in words.
At the age of twenty-two, not hearing the sound of his voice and claps when my debut novel went live hurt so bad I couldn’t enjoy the positive reviews and love coming my way. At the age of twenty-four, meeting another guy when my heart still belonged to my first love was the dumbest thing I could ever imagine. At twenty-seven, getting engaged to the same guy is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
“What are you thinking?” Naman asks, tilting his face to meet mine in the dark.
Everyone is busy in their own little conversations. Our engagement party just ended. As soon as it was done, I found a chair to relax after standing up for hours straight.
“Is the ring bothering you? Is it different from what you’d have chosen?” He asks, worried that he might have made the wrong decision.
“I’m just wondering…” I trail off, noticing him looking smoking hot in his beige embroidered kurta, the buttons undone, exposing his chest.
He looks at me, waiting for me to share what’s bothering me so he can fix it immediately. I’ve known him for years now, but I can hardly pick out ten seconds of us where it felt forced or wrong. My first true love will always carry a piece of my heart with him; he’ll always know I loved him, but I can’t say the same. He never loved me. Despite the number of years we had together.
Naman, on the other hand, loves me and makes sure I never go without hearing it. He told me he loved me and wanted a future with me within six months, while I kept wasting years over a guy who couldn’t even decide if he liked me.
“I’m wondering if you’ll take me home or if I’m going to freeze here.” I tease him.
“I can’t take you home, but how about we make a quick trip to your room?” He winks, lifting me off the chair I was sitting on in one smooth go.
“What are you doing?” I screech.
My gown is heavier than me. We haven’t eaten anything in hours. There are relatives sprawled around in the hotel backyard. This is so not the time for him to be doing this.
“My fiancée is tired and freezing.” He says, stepping out of the garden, making sure we don’t hit anybody. “I’m only doing what any sane fiancé will do.”
“You’re so cringe.” I laugh, hiding my face in his chest.
“Oh, come on, I know you well enough by now to know you like it, Miss I-don’t-like-romance-but-I-read-and-write-it-like-my-life-depends-on-it.”
I smile, hitting his arm playfully as we enter the hotel, which is thankfully warm.
“You can put me down now, we’ll take the elevator.” I offer.
“No, you’re staying in my arms until we find our bed.” He leans forward, planting a peck on my lips.
“Ohh, that sounds–
“Like your fantasy? Better than your books?”
“Dangerous and risky.” I glare at him. “What if someone calls for us and we are both missing together?”
“Don’t worry, my sister is already on it,” he smirks.
We enter the elevator, then make our way to our room on the third floor, and he holds me close as he promised until we reach our bed. He puts me on the soft mattress and walks back to close the door.
Back then, when I was a kid, I didn’t know what it meant when I said those words to Sagar and confessed my feelings. It was more heartbreak, more weight than my heart could handle. I wish I had known that then. Maybe I’d have done something differently. I wanted to keep him in my life so badly that I didn’t even realise I was only pushing him away, pushing us to our breaking points. And so when it broke, when we broke, it wasn’t pretty. It wasn’t poetic. It was plain damage, an ugly sight of wreckage that could’ve been avoided. It was just another soundless heartbreak. I didn’t know it then.
But I do know now.
I know better.
It took Naman six months to say he loved me, and it’s taken me this long. I didn’t want to regret it, but I don’t think I can go any longer without him knowing it.
When he returns after closing the door, I whisper the words into our kiss, not because it’s the right thing to do or I should say it, but because I can’t stop them from pouring.
“I loved you since the minute I heard of you.” He says, breaking the kiss and staring passionately into my eyes from the floor. “Thank you for saying the words to me, thank you for loving me back.”
From today, my ring finger belongs to the man kneeling on his knees in front of me, and so does my heart. From today, I’m someone else’s and I can’t cry for the one who couldn’t stay anymore. From this moment until my last dying breath, I’ll never let the man in front of me doubt my love.
My heart belonged to Sagar once, but I’ll try my hardest to make more space for my fiancé, which isn’t that hard, seeing that he makes loving him easy. Who knows, maybe one day, Sagar’s space will be eradicated from its roots, replaced by the roots of my newfound love and compassion.
“I’ll do everything to make this work,” I whisper as he kisses my forehead. “I promise.”
