Writing my Way Through Grief!
TW:Grief, death
This month is a hard month for me it marks the 5th year my mom has passed due to cancer. I lost her 5 years ago July 22nd she had breast cancer then we thought it was clear, but it turned into brain and spine cancer. It was one of the hardest times of my life honestly since before she passed I was taking care of her in hospice care at home while working a job. Luckily it was a work at home like the one now is. But lunch breaks were spent helping change her since she was bed ridden and it is the worst watching someone slowly die in front of you. It literally killed a part of me seeing that and it took a huge toll on me mentally. I’ll never forget the last night either hearing a death rattle will scar you for life her final words: She loves me, She misses me she is sorry.
Hell, grief changes you period. Some days gets easier and others are so hard just to stay sober. I literally spent that day drinking and even spending time with friends to take my mind off it. I still remember her hour long Wegmans trips on Saturdays where she spent 2–3 hours shopping and all day Sunday cooking for the next week. I even took her recipe binder with me to the new place because I want to make recipes with it. She would have been proud of how many books I’ve published. I made Youtube partner and I even stream on Twitch. But even though it was hard and changed me I wrote! Writing and gaming keep me sane during the tough times. Expressing myself with words is just a release.
I released Raven only to get the interest of nothing but stupid book marketers. They have a lot wrong with the way they think you can’t just publish on book and expect it to sell. It takes time and a backlist which I plan on proving to people. At first I wanted to quit writing due to all the bullshit that happens after trying to promote my book but I can’t quit. Yeah, it made me feel like trash when a book marketer asked about readers and I said I didn’t have any yet. They don’t understand it takes time to build an audience and show up even if you feel like tired garbage. Hell, I ust published Raven and one of the dipshits say my book isn’t visible. It is a new book for one and 2 I have a day job so I can’t market my book all the fucking time it is literally exhausting having a day job and marketing in my free time. But I show up because no one will write my books like I can.
Grief is making me super tired as of late and last week I was a wreck on and off because of how tired I was. Literally some days I would just doom scroll since I didn’t have evnergy to market my books during the sale. Just sold one copy. Might wait till I get more books out. Some days all I can just do is show up and write myself out of it. Hell, taking care of my mom during hospice care was one of the toughest things ever. Dealing with the scammers didn’t help this week they were super rude and I’ll definitely read their convos on my Youtube channel my phone is full of them. Like I think it was worse during a sale then anything. I did miss you all by the way and I’ll try to write more here! I’ve been putting myself out there trying to grow my X and socials and hope to find the one thing that makes it all take off one day! My dream is to write, stream, film Youtube and Tiktoks full time. I’ll get there one word, video, game at a time I’m in it for the long haul and see you all in the next post!
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Author channel link: https://www.youtube.com/c/JessWolfie
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