My Struggle to Communicate

The session ends with a sense of frustration. This is the one where I talk specifically about trust, intimacy, and wonder. It seems that the closer I get to things I want to say, the more my words fail me. I am all too aware of the confused and sometimes even bored faces as I strain to get my points across.

All my life I’ve struggled to communicate. My earliest memories of interactions with adults include a lot of “what’s he bloody saying”. I mumbled and spoke too fast. I felt ashamed of my words, and just wanted to fling them out into the world as fast as possible.

Then there is Thai. I have devoted thousands of hours to this language, and while I’m at ease listening and reading Thai, I can still struggle in conversation. If I am going to give a talk in Thai, I pretty much have to memorize it word for word.

I had hoped that my deepening experience of trust, intimacy, and wonder would make it easier to talk about it, but the opposite has happened. All my words sound shallow and weak when it comes to describing this thing that has so absolutely changed my life in ways I could never have imagined when I was younger. Back then, listening to this talk of trust, intimacy, and wonder would likely have left me feeling confused and bored too.

And yet, rather than my frustration with words being a problem, I now understand it as my motivation to create. This frustration is my gift. It is the burning desire to share something so important to me that keeps me writing and talking.

I know that what I’m trying to say can’t be adequately captured in words. This is why I prefer communicating in stories about my life because this can point to something beyond words. Stories can trigger listeners to imagine what I’m saying rather than simply listening.

All my life I’ve struggled to communicate. It seems that the closer I get to things I want to say, the more my words fail me. And yet, rather than my frustration with words being a problem, I now understand it as my motivation to create. This frustration is my gift.

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