But, I don’t want to!

But I don’t want to have to do that! I want to keep writing my mom’s story!

I have been writing my mom’s story here lately, and it’s been pulling me forward. It seems writing calls to me.

First it was The Body Joyful…putting my story down on paper and sharing my shame. Then, Not a Fat Annie stepped out of a meditation, and just HAD to be written, so I wrote it, because…As Elizabeth Gilbert shared in her book ‘Big Magic’…

‘When a story or idea comes to you it is not just a product of your own mind, but rather a creative force seeking a human vessel to bring into the world. If you don’t acknowledge and act upon that inspiration, the idea will move on to find another creative who is willing to take the opportunity to manifest it.’

Then there was Body Neutrality…

The next writing started when I realization that there was no ‘how to’ manual on embracing Body Neutrality. And that when I embraced body neutrality…my life changed. SO…why the heck not? Write something that can support that? Thus…The Body Neutrality Playbook was born, and I am so proud of this one. She is stepping up and saying SEE ME! So, I am sharing her with researchers, colleagues, clients…and she is changing lives too.

These books show up in my brain, and then poured out of me like a teapot boiling over. And to be honest, over the last five years while all this was happening, my mom’s story was tapping me on my shoulder.

My mom passed away in 2020, when I was in the midst of The Body Joyful (she witnessed the birth of that book from above) that the voice started. It was this teeny, little voice in my head that was telling me to sit down and write her story, because it always left me in awe of her.

Then there was MOM

So, this past April I started. Researching, writing, and pondering her life. It was during my morning pages (see The Artist Way for more on that!) that the idea of writing her story by way of letters came to me. And not just any letters.

Write letters from your mom to the brother she never met. To the brother whose picture hung on her bedroom wall when she was a child.

So I started writing letters about her life. And it has been like a magnet, that has pulled me for forward ever since.

Wait, that is not right…because writing this story hasn’t just pulled me forward, it has fueled me inspired me and given me purpose. My mom’s story deserves to be told because it is so remarkable. Through this writing I have experienced awe, respect, admiration, and deeper understanding. It has sparked new thoughts, new beliefs, and perspectives on life and the way I live it.

Finding your flow

Each and every week, I made my way to the Library, find a cubby or study room, and off I went. Hours would go by in a blink. This story has re-connected me with ‘flow’. I have only feel that when I write, and I sometimes find it on walks on the beach.

I love writing letters from my mom to her brother Russell. And now, that little voice, that ‘story’ that Elizabeth Gilbert writes about is not complete, because it needs more. I want to share the lessons I learned from her, her fun sayings and the opportunities for others that this story shines a light on.

New projects appear…

And right now, I shouldn’t write about my mom’s story and keep going because I have so many other things that I need to do, things that need my attention ,you know, like the nine to five job, the bonus new curriculum and the training that has been added there….and I find myself saying, “But I don’t want to!”

Beyond that, I’ve decided to take on a project, due to the success of both The Body Joyful and the Body Neutrality Playbook. And that is to create a 2-day virtual event, where I can share all of the life enhancing strategies and activities I have learned (by moving and growing through my own dysfunction) to women who might find themselves in the midlife WTF stage of their lives.

I am saddened and angry that our society continues to judge and shun women when they live in a larger size body, when they are aging, when their bodies do not fit society’s ideals. And I have steps and strategies that can help support this. So yes. DO THIS.

But I don’t want to…

Because my brain is saying. HEY!!! You are not finished here yet! When you finish telling your mom’s story…THEN, you can do all this other work!

But I don’t want to, I want to keep writing my mom’s journey. I want to put everything that is my head together, so it’s finished. I don’t want to ‘let it marinate’ and come back to it later after the event, and yet that’s what real life is telling me I need to do. And I have to say, I hate it. I hate the… you should, you have to, you need to, and I know you all get this.

You really want to do one thing, yet you know you should be doing something else.

It is part of our life’s journey. So, I am pausing with both the ‘shoulds’ and the ‘have to’s,’ while I sit with the ‘I want to’ parts of all of this.

The truth is, my mom’s story can wait. The event has a never ending timeline, physically, cognitively, and emotionally for me.

With a live event on the calendar, not only should I get it ready, I need to get both the lead magnet e-book out, and create the webinar that will share the event.

And still, my inner voice says I don’t want to.

And yet, I will. I will finish the e-book, do the webinar, create the life-changing event, call the people, write the emails, post on social… because that is what I need to do right now.

And still, I don’t want to…cause my mom is waiting. And as I write that…I notice something. I notice that my mom is right here with me.

She is always with me. I know and feel that. Then, I hear my moms voice. She says go…do the things you know you need to do, then come back. As a matter of fact, I hear her say, you can come back to me for my birthday, right around Christmas.

I protest for a moment. But I don’t want to… And then, I take a deep breath and say, and I know you are right. (why are mom’s always right!).

So, I am taking a break in mom’s letters because it is the right thing, right now.

I know you understand this inner pull and push.

So, if you find yourself saying the same thing over and over again…pause, take a beat, and ask yourself, if whatever the thing you are doing and spending time on, might be worth delaying gratification for, in order to do the things that might not feel quite as invigorating, but they may still very much be worth doing. They may enhance some aspect of your life. They may move you forward. They may, in the end make a very big difference.

Take a look at your I don’t want to tasks with…

Curiosity, not judgment.Compassion not criticism.Understanding not justification.A thought-out response rather than an impulsive reaction.

It is then, when you see if from multiple perspectives, you can make a choice.

So, I don’t want to, but I am. I am choosing to focus on some other things, while I push the brakes on my mom’s story. So, if you have been following along, now you will know why you will see a shift.

A shift that WILL make a difference, and one that will be productive. And before I know it, I will be returning to mom’s letters and lessons with a new perspective. Now I get to anticipate and look forward to revisiting my mom within her written story.

 

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