Trying Not to Take it Personally

Nowadays there are not many worlds in which I am assigned tasks. Age and semi-retirement have given me the freedom to decide what responsibilities I will or will not accept. A couple of years ago I was volunteering in one of the rare places in which I am willing to do whatever is asked, no matter how difficult or unappealing the task – the world of all things TED. I’ve been a TED speaker, TED Speaker’s Ambassador, TEDx speaker, speaker’s coach, and emcee. I believe so much in the work of TED that I am willing to do pretty much whatever they ask of me.

A couple of years ago I was assigned a speaker to coach who was an elected official from the conservative side of the political spectrum. (It might be helpful to note that I am an elected official from the liberal side of the political spectrum.) This person represented a region that is not known for its support of the LGBTQ+ community. I was not pleased to have been assigned to work with this individual. I made assumptions. He did too.

Initially we treated each other warily as we worked on his script. It was not until we started working on his delivery that things began to change. He had never memorized talks before and my notes on memorization techniques worked for him. I knew things had shifted when on dress rehearsal day he introduced me to his young children as his friend and coach, Paula. I had become Paula, the speaker’s coach, instead of Paula, the transgender woman.

I always want the fact that I am transgender to be incidental to who I am. I imagine that is a deep seated desire of most transgender people. We do not want to be defined by our transition. We just want to get on with our lives. With so few transgender people in the world and with so much controversy about the subject, it is a desire unlikely to find much fulfillment in my lifetime.

I have always said that proximity and narrative are what will close the political divide. If we can come in close contact with one another and hear each other’s stories, understanding will change and tolerance will increase. But as a self-referential human (we are all self-referential) I tend to think the other guy needs to change more than I do. Our initial tendency is always to think that way, try as we might to be objective and open-minded.

I discovered with this particular speaker that whether or not another person is likely to see my gender transition as incidental to our relationship depends as much on me as it does on the other person. What assumptions do I make? When someone’s initial response to me is reserved or questioning, do I take it personally? You already know the answer to those questions because you know your own tendency. We all make assumptions and take things personally.

Cathy and I used to have a marriage therapist who would ask, “Have you asked her if she feels that way, or have you just assumed it? You know, she’s right here, we could ask her.” He said it with a straight face every single time he had to say it, which was often.

You do not have to be transgender to understand that when others have identified you as their enemy, there is absolutely nothing you can do about the other person. There is a lot you can do about you.

The fourth step of Alcoholics Anonymous is to make a searching and fierce moral inventory of yourself. As with so many of the tenets of AA, this one works for everyone. Blaming others comes easily. Looking inward, not so much. The only path toward maturity I know includes the hard work of being dedicated to stringent self-examination, being open to challenge from the outside, and being committed to a life of honesty. Honesty with others is important. Honesty with yourself is even more important.

The stories we tell ourselves are many, and a lot of them are wrong. They are stories concocted of whole cloth from old maps, maps that served us once upon a time, but are useless once after a time. For instance, many of my counseling clients still work from childhood maps. I remind them that those maps were essential when they were helpless children, but they do them no good now. They are the maps of the powerless, and my clients are no longer powerless. (It might be good to note that I do not work with children and adolescents, who are indeed pretty powerless.)

Since transitioning I have learned that women do not give other women the benefit of the doubt, something in my experience men are more inclined to do. As a woman, I get no free passes. I do not start closer to the finish line, as well-educated white men do. In fact, as a transgender woman who is subject to the wildly inaccurate public imagination about what it means to be transgender, I face a lot of disadvantages. I could focus on the injustices of that, but what does it get me? Not much.

I find the onus is on me to do the work I need to do if I am going to live wholeheartedly. Because of the privilege I experienced as Paul, I did not have to face shadow sides of myself very often. As Paula, I do.

I’ve mentioned that I am working on a new book. Its working title is: When Their Enemy Is You – Responding with an Open Mind, a Receptive Spirit, and a Curious Soul. Here is the outline of the book, as it currently stands:

An Open Mind

            Avoiding our tendency to create enemies that do not exist

            When a person’s moral foundation is not the same as yours.

            Why belonging wins over truth every time

            Those who see you as an enemy are not evil, they just want to be safe

            Why power and safety are so important

            When fear becomes your shadow government

A Receptive Spirit

            Confronting the enemy in your own heart

            When it’s time for a new map

            Tolerating otherness as a sign of maturity

            The heart has its reasons

            Placing knowledge in the context of experience

            Beneath the ego lies the soul

A Curious Soul

            What supports you when nothing supports you?

            Spinning honey out of your old failures

            Choosing a path that enhances rather than diminishes your life

            Discerning and serving that which is worthy of your service

            Moving from insight to courage to endurance

            Up until the end, she kept trying to figure it out

I am in the process of writing the proposal for the book. It is slow going. But I do not want fear to be my own shadow government, so I am laboring away. I’ll keep you informed about how things are going.

And so it goes.