What I’ve Learned About Relationships (So far)

The Ultimate Long-Form Character Development Arc

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You don’t stay married for nearly 30 years without learning a few things. Sometimes the easy way, sometimes the “oops-I-shouldn’t-have-said-that” way. Relationships are funny things, full of joy, compromise, miscommunication, shared coffee hot drink orders (my wife hates coffee,) and the occasional strategic blanket tug.

1. Honesty Really  Is  the Best Policy

It sounds basic, but it’s the bedrock. You can’t build anything lasting if you’re constantly trying to remember what version of the truth you told. My wife and I don’t lie to each other. Ever. That level of trust didn’t happen overnight, but now it’s second nature. And bonus, I never have to keep track of elaborate cover stories. She already knows everything. (Sometimes before I do.)

2. Lead with a Servant Heart

I know, it sounds like a line from a church bulletin. But what I mean is, put each other first. And no, not in a doormat kind of way. If both people are looking out for each other’s well-being, things tend to balance out beautifully. It’s like synchronized generosity. The trick? It has to go both ways, or resentment creeps in faster than cold pizza vanishes from the fridge.

3. Communication: Use It or Lose It

Most problems in relationships aren’t huge problems. They’re misunderstandings that fester. Just say the thing. Even if it’s weird or uncomfortable. Even if it’s “I didn’t sleep well because your elbow was on my kidney.” Talk early. Talk often. Keep each other in the loop. And remember, silence isn’t golden, it’s just confusing. My wife and I are both cancer widows after long marriages and we started with openness and heavy communication right from the first few conversations we had. It’s been magical. Simple, but so hard for so many.

4. Apologize (Even When It’s Not Your Fault)

Sometimes someone just has to go first. Not to take the blame, but to break the ice. Pride is a terrible third wheel and a horrible plan for happiness. A well-timed “I’m sorry” is a powerful thing. And let’s be honest, making up is way more fun than sulking.

5. Set Expectations Out Loud

Your partner isn’t psychic. If you expect something, say it. Don’t assume. Don’t drop hints like a sitcom spouse in a holiday episode. Just be clear. You’ll both be happier, and no one ends up fuming because someone forgot it was “your turn” to unload the dishwasher in 1998. Early and often. Don’t make your partner guess.

6. Be Curious About Your Partner

This one’s underrated. Don’t just live next to your partner, live with them. Ask questions. Learn what makes them tick (and what ticks them off). Take an interest in their interests, even if you don’t share them. You don’t have to become a knitwear enthusiast or know every character on their favorite murder show, but your curiosity is a form of love. And it keeps the connection fresh. I actually have a list I keep of her favorite things, like Angelina’s Chocolate from Paris, or that Songbird by Fleetwood Mac is one of her favorite songs.

7. You’re Not Responsible for Their Happiness (But You Can Help Make Room for It)

This one took me a while. You can’t make someone happy, and it’s not your job to fix all their bad days. But you can create space for joy. You can do little things that lighten the load. You can be their safe place to land. It’s not about solving their life, it’s about showing up for it.

8. Cultivate Shared Joy

Having mutual interests helps. Shared joy builds shared memories, and shared memories are the glue. Whether it’s a hobby, a show, a band, or a mutual disdain for folding laundry, find your “us” things. They’re worth the time. Laugh at the ridiculous things that happen. Humor is one of the best salves for any problem and the more you can laugh together, the better.

9. Look for the Good, Not the Gaps

In long-term relationships, it’s easy to start tallying the things your partner isn’t doing. Try to focus instead on what they are doing. Gratitude softens the edges of daily life. It turns “why didn’t they…?” into “I’m glad they did.”

10. Sometimes Listening Is the Fix

Okay fellas, lean in for this one: they don’t always want you to fix it. (In fact, they rarely do.) What they want is for you to listen. Really listen. Not the kind where you’re secretly assembling a three-step solution while nodding supportively. Just be present. Let them vent. Validate the feeling. And if you’re not sure whether to offer advice or just be quiet? Ask. Trust me, “Do you want me to listen or help brainstorm?” is relationship gold.

Final Thoughts

Love isn’t just a feeling, it’s a practice. A long, weird, wonderful, often funny practice that you get to do every day. And if you’re lucky, you get to learn from the same person, over and over again.

What about you? What’s one relationship truth you’ve learned the hard (or hilarious) way? What’s the best (or weirdest) relationship advice you’ve ever gotten or given? Drop it in the comments. I’m always learning.