This feels safe

There was a gentle tap on my bedroom door, which then opened before I had a chance to respond. Some teenagers might have found that annoying, but I didn’t mind it too much. It wasn’t like I was getting up to anything I wouldn’t want my parents knowing about most of the time anyway.

‘Hey kiddo, how’s the homework going?’

I turned to see my Dad standing in the doorway.

‘It’ll cost you a tenner,’ I smirked.

‘Who said I was here for a favour?’ He cocked an eyebrow.

‘You only ever call me kiddo when you want something,’ I shrugged. ‘So, whatever it is, it’ll cost you a tenner.’

‘You know you could just do it for nothing, right?’ He moved into the room, and took a seat beside me on the bed. ‘That’s kind of why they call it a favour.’

‘Right, I could,’ I nodded. ‘Or, in exchange for doing the favour, you could return it with a tenner.’

Dad responded to this by trying to shoot me a serious look, but it was twisted with too much amusement to work. He was a lot better now at keeping me under control than he had been, but Dad had always been a bit of a soft touch. Partly because his first experience raising a child was with Tomas, and, between Tomas’s learning difficulties, and all the ways he’d reminded Dad of his dead sister, a strict disciplinary my Dad just could not be. But that was okay, because I’d rather have a loving Dad who could just about keep me in line, than a strict one who didn’t care about me.

‘Why do you always beg for money,’ Dad’s voice reflected the serious but amused expression on his face. ‘Are you trying to say your allowance isn’t enough?’

‘Money is a people thing,’ I shifted, ‘and you’re asking me for a people favour, so I should ask for a people thing in return.’

‘Oh Ro, is that really how you think?’ His expression crinkled with concern.

‘It’s harder being people, so I kind of have to,’ I shrugged. ‘But, it’s okay, money can buy things. And I like having things,’ I indicated around my mess of a room.

‘Especially shoes, right,’ his voice toned in a teasing kind of way. ‘Which kind of brings me on to why I’m here. Your Mum seems to think you’ve been buying shoes behind our backs again.’

‘Uh… um… what… what makes her think that,’ I averted my gaze.

‘Because you’re not as good at hiding them as you think you are,’ he reached underneath my bed, and instantly pulled out one of the pairs I’d been keeping there. ‘Ro you really don’t need this many pairs of shoes. You don’t even wear half of them.’

‘Yeah I do,’ I grinned. ‘Over the Christmas I wore a different pair every single day. It’s not my fault if you didn’t notice.’

‘Ro,’ there was a genuinely warning tone in his voice this time.

‘Okay, I’ll sort through them, and donate some spares to Toby,’ I rolled my eyes.

‘Clove could probably do with a few too,’ Dad prompted. ‘Since I know he’s just had another growth spirt.’

‘Yeah, okay, sure, I’ll make two piles. Ones I think Toby will like, and ones Clove can have,’ I shrugged. ‘I’ll do it after school tomorrow.’

‘Thank you,’ he gave me an appreciative nod. ‘But since it’s not technically a favour, you’re not getting that tenner. Especially since I already know exactly what you’d be spending it on, which would kind of defeat the purpose.’ He got up. ‘Now, I’ll let you finish your homework.’

‘Sure,’ I watched him make his way towards the door, and he was almost there when other words half forced their way out of me. ‘Um… Dad.’

‘What is it Ro?’ My voice made him stop and glance back in my direction.

‘Um… do you… do you think the same thing that happened with my SATS will happen with my mocks too?’ After holding off on this question all weekend, I suddenly felt like it couldn’t wait any longer. ‘I mean, I kind of think that it might, because Mr Jones made us do some practice questions on Thursday, and… even though we had the entire lesson time to do it, I still didn’t answer a single one. And I… I mean… Dad what… what if I’m not people enough to pass my GCSEs? That’s going to mean I’m not going to be able to do sixth form, or college, or uni, isn’t it? What if I can’t get a job? Dad what if I’m more dog than people? I don’t… I don’t want to be unfunctioning. Dad what if I become unfunctioning? What am I supposed to do?’

As I spoke Dad made his way back towards me, and pulled me into a hug.

‘We won’t let that happen Ro, I promise,’ his voice was gentle. ‘And we can figure everything else out. It’s what this family is really good at, in case you hadn’t noticed. No one is going to just let things go that way. Least of all your mother and I.’

‘Yeah, okay,’ I nuzzled him a little.

‘Hey, maybe it’s something you can ask this Dr Mahogany about when you see her Tuesday,’ he began gently stroking my hair. ‘See if she’s got any ideas about handling your exam nerves. Or maybe even just some tricks to help you read when you have dog brain. I mean, that might help, right?’

‘Maybe,’ I tried really hard not to speak in dog, since homework time was supposed to be people time.

‘I really wish this was easier for you Rowan,’ he continued to pet me soothingly. ‘But we have to work with the hand we’ve been dealt. And, unfortunately for you, that also means dealing with your own kind of exam stress. But you’re a smart kid. Much smarter than your old man ever was. So I know, whatever happens, you’ll be fine.’

‘Thanks Dad,’ I nuzzled him some more. ‘This feels safe.’

I half expected to be told off for not using people words. But he just sighed, and kissed the top of my head in the way Dad only did when it was dog time. Since I was pretty sure I wasn’t being let off doing the rest of my homework, that could only mean Dad was worried about me. Well he wasn’t the only one. And, as my gaze turned back towards the mess of books spread across my bed, I couldn’t help but feel really daunted by my very uncertain future.

Extract from (What Makes Me) Rowan, by Ila Golden