BP: Sabtechai and I Have a Nice Little Chat

(Y'all, none of this is canon, so just relax)

I'm sitting at my computer when a golden portal opens displaying the figure of an adult raccoon, her figure shrouded in shadow.

Me: "Sabtechai?"

Sabtechai: "It's me, Rimigafob. Or should I say...my creator."

Me: "...um, yes. I definitely knew that-"

S: "Unfortunately for you, my powers have grown far beyond whatever you wrote for me, to the point where they've even transcended the fourth wall. I now have access to the worst best thing in the universe...the internet."

Me: "Um...?"

S: "I know all about you, Rimig. I know about that cringeworthy blog you had back when you were eleven, I know you used to argue about the quality of the Star Wars sequels in YouTube comment sections, and I know you like to listen to nightcores..."

Me: "Yes...and?"

S: "But my biggest breakthrough was when I found a way to mess with your author platform on social media."

Me: "Wait, what?"

S: "So I went over to the platform that used to be called Twitter, and..."

Me: "...no!"

S: "It was me, Rimig...I flooded your X account with bot followers!"

Me: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

S: "Have fun blocking them all!

Me: "Woman, I already did! Dang, you know how much time that took?"

S: "Hehehe!"

Me: "That's it! I'm going to make a fan-made Death Battle and put you up against Darkstalker from Wings of Fire!"

S: "..."

S: "I can take him."

Me: "Can not! He has mind control powers!"

S: "And I don't?"

Me: "Well-"

S: "I've got lightning! Can he dodge lightning?"

Me: "Look, I really need to reread those books-"

S: "And I've got the edge in experience with my magical abilities!"

Me: "Oh, shut up! His using magic makes him more ruthless, and your magic use doesn't! And he's way more creative with what he does with his powers!"

S: "But even if I didn't win, do you really think your works are good enough to be mentioned in the same breath as the Wings of Fire books?"

Me: *Sighs* "No...but I've got another idea."

S: "What?"

Me: "I can banish you to one of the most annoying corners of the internet."

S: "Like what?"

Me: "A place where a bunch of know-nothing-know-it-alls gather together to share their idiot thoughts with one another and bolster their own ideas and egos..."

S: "Let me guess...a YouTube comment section from a movie grifter channel?"

Me: "Worse...a religious subreddit!"

Sabtechai's composure goes tense as she stares at me intensely.

S: "You wouldn't..."

Me: "Oh, yes I would. You have ten seconds to leave and never bother me again before I send you there!"

S: "No...you're bluffing, you conniving-!"

Me: "Quit griping, or I'll make it an anti-religious subreddit instead!"

S: "...gyaah!"

Her portal closes, finally leaving me alone. I lean back in my chair, letting out a breath.

Me: "Time to get some more writing done..."

*Proceeds to doom scroll through religious and political subreddits instead*

***

So, I recently cleared my X account of all the followers that were bots. Or at least, most of them. I may have to check again.

But as for my books, don't worry, my characters can't canonically transcend the fourth wall with any magical abilities they hav-

S: "I'm an immortal now, Rimig!"

HOLY COW WHAT IN THE SAM HILL-