Figure out a way to catch up

‘Tammy’s four now, right?’ Arian shot Roxy a thoughtful look.

‘Yeah,’ she nodded sadly, ‘and Jay would have been twenty if…’ she shook her head. ‘When she was born I thought it were really funny they had the same birthday, but now I really wish they didn’t. It feels unfair tuh Tammy, coz none of us feel like doing anything for it.’

‘I keep telling you we could just celebrate a few weeks later or something,’ Taylora pressed her lips together. ‘And I’ve told you I’m more than happy to organise everything, so you and your mum can just… whatever.’

‘But that’s not fair on you,’ Roxy’s gaze remained averted. ‘You’re grieving for him too.’

‘I know, but… I just don’t think people not celebrating his baby sister’s birthday is what he would have wanted,’ sad tones crept into her voice. ‘Maybe he didn’t care much about his own, but he would have hated knowing about this.’

‘He would get it though,’ the words came out of me, as a recent conversation with him flittered into my mind. ‘And… there’s always next year.’

‘I’ll come and see her and bring her something she likes,’ Tilly had that determined face on her again, the one she used when she wanted to be taken seriously. ‘Hospitals are horrid on your own.’

‘Tell me about it,’ Arian and Zel spoke in complete unison.

‘Yeah, I can’t imagine what it must be like having tuh spend that much time in and out of hospitals,’ I shot them both a concerned look. ‘Do you have a date yet for the operation?’

Almost as soon as I’d spoken I felt this awkwardness move around the group.

‘Sly, they’ve already fixed my heart,’ Zel’s voice was as gentle as possible.

‘Yeah, I know,’ I rolled my eyes, ‘I don’t mean that one.’

‘Um… Sly… what… what operation are you talking about?’ Arian frowned.

‘The… um…’ I tried my best to focus my thoughts, then something hit me. ‘The one I’m waiting on. I… I’m waiting on an operation…? I…?’

‘Hey, it’s okay,’ Roxy placed her hands on the sides of my face, in order to get me to focus on her. ‘And they haven’t set a date yet, coz the tumour’s still too big, remember?’

‘Uh… mm, yeah… I… I think so.’

I still didn’t completely understand how I was the one waiting on the operation. But I could sense from how everyone else was acting that it had to be true. It made the pit of my stomach shift uncomfortably, and a whole bunch of other thoughts and feelings to move through my head.

‘I’ll see you when you’re in hospital too Sly,’ Tilly hugged me unprompted, then turned her attention back to Roxy. ‘What kinda thing does Tammy like? I wanna make sure she has lots of nice things.’

‘She likes things that sparkle, and make noise,’ Roxy smiled softly. ‘She likes baby dolls too. And things she can shake. She likes bright colours, so she loves this,’ she indicated towards the headscarf I’d given her for Christmas. ‘And…’

‘So, we’ve kinda told some of you this already, but… Well me and Rye wanna be parents,’ Zel’s voice was loud enough to cut across all the little conversations our group had started having.

‘I knew, I did,’ Tilly clapped with delight, her attention suddenly consumed by her cousin.

‘Are you sure?’ Jason’s gazed was filled with uncertainty. ‘I mean… you’re both… guys. Don’t kids need a mum and a dad?’

‘I only had a mum,’ Arian shrugged, ‘and it never hurt me.’

‘Says the guy who’s terrified of doors.’

Arian’s expression pooled with anxiety the second those words were uttered. I wanted to jump into his defence, and I was fairly certain Zel was about to too, but before either of us could say anything, we were beaten to the punch.

‘Jason you shouldn’t say that, that’s naughty,’ Tilly scowled at him.

‘His anxieties have nothing tuh do with him being raised by just his mum,’ Zel’s voice was defensively tight. ‘If anything his mum did everything she could…’

‘Zel,’ Arian cut him off.

‘Yeah, I know idiot,’ he shifted his gaze away. ‘But he had no right…’

‘Yeah, I know I didn’t, I’m sorry,’ Jason gave a nervous cough. ‘I just… think it’s a little bit weird that you’d even want that. And… well, what are people going to think?’

‘They’ll think whatever the hell they want,’ Zel sighed. ‘Just like they do about Rye being mixed race. But that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t exist.’

‘True,’ Jason relented a little. ‘But… I mean… How are you planning to… you know… have a kid? Adoption? Would they let two guys adopt?’

 ‘Zel and Arian having babies is a good thing. The best thing,’ Tilly grinned, clearly in love with the idea. ‘And when me and Mikey are married we’ll have babies. I want tuh be a mummy.’

‘Me and Rye want kids once we’re married too,’ Zel grinned back at her. ‘Since that’s gonna happen right after we finish university, and can get full time jobs and stuff, so we’ll be able tuh take care of a baby. And, as for adopting,’ his gaze shifted towards Jason, ‘it’s something we’ve considered, but… well… we’ve got another idea in mind. One that won’t involve people judging us and saying no. Hopefully,’ he gave a nervous laugh.

‘You’re gonna ask someone… a lady… tuh borrow her tummy, aren’t you?’ Tilly’s eyes were wide with a mixture of excited expectation and certainty.

‘Uh… yeah,’ Arian laughed, like he had no idea how she could have figured that out on her own. ‘Actually that’s… that’s kind of why we’re bringing it up now.’

‘Who are you gonna ask?’ She wriggled like an excited child.

‘All of the girls here they’re not related to,’ Vicky got the words out, before anyone else could say anything. ‘That’s the plan, right? Or were you specifically thinking Taylora and Penny? Because Roxy and Bea aren’t good enough for you?’

‘That… that’s not it,’ Arian rolled his eyes. ‘Roxy’s like our little sister, so that would just be weird. And… well we don’t really know Bea all that well. So… yeah… we were just specifically asking Tay and Penny, but… not without reason.’

‘Well it’s something I’ll definitely think about,’ Taylora pressed her lips together.

‘Same,’ the posh girl, who I guess must have been Penny, nodded. ‘That’s if… you’re okay with it,’ she glanced towards the girl who by default had to be Bea.

‘I’m okay with it, if you are,’ she grinned, before focusing on Zel and Arian. ‘I mean, like you said, we dunno each other that well, but… Well, I actually wouldn’t mind doing something like that for someone. Especially since… well…’ she laughed nervously, ‘it’s not like we wouldn’t need that kinda help too.’

‘Yeah, you’re right,’ Penny made another one of those hard to read expressions. ‘But if one of us helps them, then the other of us should… when it’s ours… I mean…’ her cheeks pinkened a little. ‘Not that I’m thinking that far ahead, of course, but…’

Bea leant in and kissed her. Once the kiss ended Penny’s face had what I assumed must have been a love filled little smile, and both of their eyes remained focused on each other in this devoted kind of way. It made me hug Roxy a little tighter. She glanced up at me then, and we kissed. Being in love with someone who made you truly happy really was just the best.

‘Can I cuddle the babies?’ Tilly begged, as she made her way over to the bench Zel and Arian were sitting on. ‘And sing tuh them?’

‘Of course,’ Zel grinned.

‘And bounce them? And tickle their tummies?’

‘And play with them. And chase them ‘round the cottage…’

‘What cottage?’ Jason shot Zel a look.

‘The one we’re planning tuh buy once we’re married, obviously,’ Zel rolled his eyes.

‘How much of your lives do the two of you have planned out?’ Jason shook his head in amazement. ‘You’re only twenty.’

‘So?’ Arian shrugged. ‘Why should that make a difference?’

‘I don’t know. I guess it’s just… weird. I mean, I don’t even know what I want to do once I’ve finished my A-levels, never mind anything else.’

‘Hey, I know what that’s like,’ I laughed nervously, after half jumping on his words. ‘I mean, the whole wanting tuh be a teacher thing… it felt more like the obvious choice back then, rather than necessarily the right one. Not saying it’s not what I thought I should do… or what I wanted tuh do, but…’ I sighed. ‘I dunno, I think it’s okay tuh not know what you want from life, coz things don’t always work out the way you want them tuh regardless.’

‘Uh… Sly…’ Mikey looked really upset.

‘Hell, when it comes down tuh it, I don’t even know if I even have a future anymore…’ I shifted my gaze away from him, feeling guilty that I was the one upsetting him, but unable to deny the truth. ‘Getting married, having kids, getting a job where I work more than one day a week… All those things I was never sure I even wanted…’

Roxy made a tearful noise and hugged me tightly. I hugged her back with an equal amount of need. I didn’t want to die a slow, miserably painful death because of something so unfair. I didn’t want to die at all. I wished there was something I could do to guarantee living for as long as I wanted. A way of making sure I got all those things that were suddenly so important to me. Why couldn’t I guarantee that?

My thoughts became a tangled muddle, as I suddenly found myself wondering why we were in a graveyard, and who half the people we were with were. But no one else seemed to notice what was going on in my head, as the conversation moved steadily on around me. So I just listened, trying to absorb as much information as possible, hoping I’d eventually figure everything out, because there wasn’t much else I could do. When had life become this confusing? Why were we here again? Why were there crutches next to where Arian was sitting? Why…?

‘Are you aright,’ Roxy glanced towards me in concern.

‘Just a little lost,’ I smiled weakly back at her. ‘But it’s okay, I… I know… eventually… I’ll figure out a way tuh catch up.’

Extract from We Giants, by Ila Golden