Conflict aversion/avoidance
Image by Gerd Altmann from PixabayThanks for reading GROWTH: Make it Personal! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
A few weeks ago, I wrote a Facebook post about an Elon Musk comment on X (his post was later deleted). When I get political on social media, which is rare, I usually quote a person’s actual words and let them speak for themselves with minimal commentary from me.
Musk’s post:
“Maybe if they tried harder, blind people could see the future. Just saying.”
I commented that his post was insulting to people with vision loss. An acquaintance pushed back and said his comment was metaphorical.
Immediately, my heart started pounding so loudly I could almost hear it in my head. It was a fight or flight response, a mini panic attack.
I've grown a lot in overcoming my people-pleasing since I re-embarked on writing my memoir in 2016. Spilling my truth on the page and reading what I wrote confronted me with how often I placed the needs and desires of others above my own, even to the detriment of my son’s health.
GROWTH in overcoming people-pleasingI'm better about setting boundaries and speaking up but I'm still conflict-averse/avoidant. (“Averse,” meaning I dislike or fear conflict, i.e., my emotional response; “avoidant,” meaning my behavioral pattern.)
Was my Facebook exchange even really a conflict? I stated my opinion and a person expressed an opposing opinion, as happens in common human discourse. Yet I reacted as if it was a threat.
In trying to unpack my pattern of responding, I’ve concluded that it's a combination of:
Anger. This is my post and you have no right to express your disagreement.
Self-righteousness. How can you possibly not see the truth of what I've said?
Fear. Uh-oh. You’re mad, and that’s scary.
My response was not PTSD from a violent or troubled childhood, because my upbringing was nearly idyllic, except that I never learned how to handle conflict.
I replied to the acquaintance that I didn’t interpret Musk’s post as metaphorical, and that ended our interaction.
I can’t imagine I’m alone in my response to perceived conflict. How do you react to disagreement or conflict? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments.
In writing news, I’ve again decided to embrace being a writer. It took me a while to own the moniker after I jumpstarted my long-idle memoir nine years ago. Then, a few months ago, I was so burned out by book marketing and jaded by the writing industry that I seriously thought about calling it quits.
My first writing business card, circa 2018. My tagline is “Memoirist. Writer of creative nonfiction. Gardener. In between, I nap.”Recently, though, I found balance (through sewing, of all things), and I again realized “I am a writer.”
GROWTH in my identityEven better, I am a writer who writes, and I've had success recently with both paid and unpaid published essays:
Clutter used to cause conflict in my marriage. I had a breakthrough.
How I Stood Up for Myself Despite My People-Pleasing Ways.
Also forthcoming in The Ethel, Writer’s Digest, Business Insider
******************************************************
Plus, here are two new podcasts I guested on:
About This Life podcast with Ann-Marie Mahoney. From Motherhood to She-Bear: Journey of Courage and Advocacy
Healing Words podcast with Pamela Nichols. Instinct and Inner Healing.
I still haven't decided if I'm done marketing my memoir Growth: A Mother, Her Son, and the Brain Tumor They Survived.
I celebrate that I wrote the book I intended to write and marketed it to the best of my ability. But my book is whispering to me. I need just a little bit more. You're not done with me yet. You worked so hard to spread my message and some readers still need to hear it.
Could this be the Facebook/Instagram effect? I see friends getting agents, landing book deals, selling more books than me. Do I covet their achievements? Or is there really more I need to do?
GROWTH in accepting uncertaintyI don't need to have an answer right now. I’m OK sitting in this liminal space. I know the truth will reveal itself to me at the right time.
Speaking of writer friends and their success, had a whirlwind of hugely successful launch events last week for her beautiful book The Full Catastrophe. Our critique group—”Writers Tears”—was heavily involved. This is us, left to right: , Casey, me, . I’m honored to call each of these warm, talented, badass writers “friend.”
Thanks for hanging in there almost to the end of this month’s post! I’d hug you if I could, but this gold star will have to suffice: ⭐️
If you’d like to share your thoughts, here you go:
If you’d prefer not to leave a comment, you can scroll all the way down and give me a heart so I know you’re here! ❤️
If you don’t already subscribe, you can sign up below to receive my monthly newsletter. Choose the FREE option, the only option I have for now!
And/or, you can share:
GROWTH—The book.Growth: A Mother, Her Son, and the Brain Tumor They Survived.Medical gaslighting and a mother’s people-pleasing collide, shattering her expectations of motherhood and threatening the survival of her young son.
Click here for purchase linksKaren is a happily married, slightly frazzled working mother of two when her eight-year-old son, Matthew, develops a strange eye-rolling tic. Gradually, her high-energy kid becomes clumsy and lethargic, her “Little Einstein” a gifted program dropout. Karen knows something is wrong. But she can't get anyone to listen and lacks the backbone to crack the resistance. After three exhausting, desperate years, finally, an MRI reveals the truth: a brain tumor, squishing Matthew's brain into a sliver against his skull. Following a delicate surgery, doctors predict a complete recovery. But the damage from the delayed diagnosis prolongs Matthew's recovery, challenging Karen to grow in ways she never imagined.
A fast-paced page-turner told with candor, insight, and wit, Growth takes you on a rollercoaster of painful truths and hard-won transformations.
Available where books are sold or see purchase links here.
Where to listen to GROWTH on audiobook:More retailers will soon offer my book, so if your favorite listening site isn't included, check back in next month's newsletter.
