The Invisible Load: Why Moms Still Do More (Even When It’s Equal)

Last Tuesday morning, the kitchen was unusually calm.

Kuku was munching on cereal soaked in milk with chia seeds. My husband had just reminded me—again, bless him—that it was sports day. The water bottle was filled, the journal packed, and the uniform on.

So why did I feel like I’d already run a marathon?

Because while my hands were buttering toast, my brain was scanning through at least twenty other tabs:

“Did I pay for the field trip?”

“Should I talk to his teacher about how he’s been zoning out again?”

“Did he just wince when I said writing time? Is he anxious again?”

“Do I need to cut his nails?”

“Where’s that white sock? He needs that sock.”

I looked over at my husband—he was washing Kuku’s cup, humming, present.

And I found myself whispering under my breath:

“I’ll just do it.”We Share the Work… So Why Do Moms Still Feel Overloaded?

In many homes—including mine—the parenting is shared.

We tag-team the morning rush.

He helps brush his teeth, pack his bottles, and feed him breakfast.

And yet… something lingers. A quiet, often invisible weight that seems to settle heavier on moms.

It’s the mental to-do list.

The emotional radar.

The noticing.

The predicting.

The constant tracking of everyone else’s everything.

And we’ve normalised it.

Not because we want to be martyrs—

But because it’s quicker to do it ourselves, easier than explaining it, and let’s face it—sometimes it feels like only we’ll do it “right.”

But Here’s the Problem…

When we absorb the mental and emotional load without support, it teaches our children something as well.

They learn that Mum’s role is to manage and juggle without pause.

They notice who stays awake late, who tracks therapy appointments, who senses the meltdown before it happens, and who carries the weight quietly.

Even when we don’t say it aloud—they learn by watching.

And over time, the cost shows:

We get more irritable.We feel unseen.We don’t rest, even when we sit down.We lose space for ourselves.What If We Rewrote That Script—Together?

This isn’t about creating a perfectly balanced pie chart of tasks.

It’s about creating space—for awareness, for dialogue, for support.

Here are five small shifts that can help:

1. Externalise the Invisible

Start writing down the mental load. Not just chores, but also:

“Track sensory triggers this week.”“Think of a response for peer teasing.”“Decide whether to say yes to that birthday invite.”

When you see it on paper, others can see it too.

2. Have a Weekly Parenting Sync

15 minutes every Sunday. Sit with Chai and go over:

What worked this week?What felt too much?What’s coming up?

It’s a small but powerful habit that helps both parents feel like co-captains.

3. Give Age-Appropriate Roles to Kids

Even a kid can help:

Pick out tomorrow’s socksPut away therapy toysChoose their “calm down” music

This builds independence—and reduces the load on you.

4. Pause Before “I’ll Just Do It”

Next time that phrase rises in your throat, pause. Ask:

“Can I guide them through this instead of doing it?”“What happens if I let it be imperfect for today?”

Sometimes, “done together” matters more than “done perfectly.”

5. Use a Shared Visual Task Chart

This isn’t just for kids.

Make it colourful, stick it on the fridge, and let everyone have their column—Mum, Dad, Kuku.

Tasks. Emotional check-ins. Celebrations.

Suddenly, the household feels like a team. Not a solo mission.

Try This Today: “Name That Load” Activity

Take 10 minutes and sit quietly.

List everything on your mind related to parenting—emotional, physical, anticipatory.

Now, underline the ones your partner might not even know you’re tracking.

Pick one. Just one. And share it today.

Not with blame, but with curiosity:

“Hey, I realised I’ve been holding this silently. Can we talk about how we could share it?” Final Thought

Being the “default parent” doesn’t make you more caring.

It just makes you more tired.

Let’s raise our kids in homes where love isn’t measured by how much one person silently carries.

But by how well we see support and show up—together.

Need help creating more balance at home, especially if you’re parenting a neurodiverse child?

Book a 1:1 session with me, and let’s work through it—gently, together. Recommended Resources to Support Your Journey 1. Weekly Family Planner & Task Board

Help externalise the mental load with a visual tool you and your partner can update together. Look for a sturdy magnetic whiteboard family planner you can stick on the fridge featuring:

Columns for each family memberDaily & weekly task slotsSpace for “mental load notes” (e.g. reminders, emotional check-ins)

A quick search for “weekly planner magnetic board” will turn up several affordable and well-rated options. This simple purchase can make a big difference in sharing responsibilities and making the invisible visible.

2. Free Online Courses

Boost your parenting, emotional resilience, or neurodiversity understanding with these excellent free courses:

Diploma in Child Psychology : Offers a deep dive into how children think, feel, and behave—perfect for parents raising neurodiverse children. Diploma in Special Needs : Focuses on strategies for supporting children with ADHD, autism, anxiety, and more—ideal for practical insights grounded in therapeutic principles.

Both are free, self-paced, and CPD-accredited—great for building confidence and skills without committing to lengthy or costly programs. You can complete them at your own pace and apply insights directly to your parenting routine.

Combine the two for a powerful duo:

A visual planner to share the load

Foundational knowledge to support your child’s needs and your well-being

Would you like direct links to the planners or packaged course recommendations? Just comment “RESOURCES”, and I’ll DM them to you.

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