Raising Safe Hearts: Breaking Toxic Relationship Patterns Before They Take Root
It began in the supermarket parking lot.
My son and I were heading to the car when we noticed a father yelling at his child. It wasn’t just the words—it was the tone, the sharpness, the tight jaw that made my little one pause.
He looked up at me and said softly,
“Maybe that boy was troubling… but it’s not cool to be shouted at like that.”
There it was—an observation, a boundary, a quiet truth from a child who sees the world a little differently and more deeply.
And yet, many children don’t voice what he did.
Because for too many, that kind of interaction is home. Normal. Expected.
The Problem: When Toxic Patterns Feel FamiliarI’ve sat across from children who laugh off being shouted at.
Who say things like:
“She gets mad because I forget.”“He only yells when he’s tired.”“It’s fine. I just stay quiet so no one gets angry.”They’ve adapted. But not in ways that help them thrive—only survive.
And what’s even more heartbreaking?
They carry these templates into adulthood.
They learn that:
Love must be earned through pleasing.
Boundaries cause abandonment.
Safety is uncertain, and so is affection.
We tend to think toxic patterns are about obvious things—screaming matches, slamming doors, name-calling.
But sometimes, it’s in the quieter, consistent cues:
The affection that disappears after a disagreement.The constant criticism is masked as “just being honest.”The withholding of praise unless perfection is achieved.These patterns often stem from our own unhealed stories. And we pass them on—not out of malice, but out of habit.
The nervous system remembers. It adapts.
But here’s the good news: it can also relearn.
The Child’s Mind: How Patterns are LearnedChildren don’t just listen to what we say.
They soak up what we do.
They watch how we respond when:
They cry.They mess up.They speak up.And based on our responses, they start forming beliefs:
“I’m lovable only when I’m easy.”
“Speaking up makes people upset.”
“My needs are too much.”
These beliefs are like scripts, quietly written over time. And those scripts shape who they become, how they love, and what they tolerate.
What Can We Do Differently?No one gets it right all the time (I certainly don’t, not even with all my degrees and training and picture books 
).
But small, consistent changes in how we respond can reshape a child’s entire inner world.
Here are a few ways to start:
3 Gentle Practices to Break Toxic Cycles at Home· Name the Emotion, Not the PersonInstead of: “You’re being bad.”
Try: “You’re feeling frustrated right now, and that’s okay. Let’s figure it out together.”
When we separate who they are from what they feel, we reduce shame and create space for growth.
· Practice “Repair Moments”Every time we raise our voice or overreact (yes, it happens), we can return with:
“I didn’t handle that well. You didn’t deserve to be spoken to like that.”
This teaches children that love includes accountability, not fear.
· Model Calm BoundariesWhen something isn’t okay, it’s alright to be firm without being frightened.
Try:
“I won’t let you hurt me or shout at me, but I’m right here when you’re ready to talk.”
This models emotional regulation even during conflict—and that’s gold.
An Activity to Try This Week: The “Safe Love Jar”Place a jar in your child’s room (or somewhere visible).
Every time someone shows love in a kind, respectful way (big or small), drop a note or a pebble in.
Examples:
“Mumma gave me space when I was upset.”“We solved a fight without yelling.”“Daddy said sorry after he snapped.”Watch the jar fill. Then, sit down together and read the notes at the end of the week.
Let your child see and feel what safe love looks like.
Final Thoughts: You’re Not Behind—You’re AwareYou don’t have to undo generations in a day.
You just have to notice the moments when you could repeat the old way—and choose differently.
That’s where the healing begins.
In homes where children feel safe to make mistakes.
In relationships where love doesn’t demand perfection.
In voices that soothe instead of silence.
Tell me in the comments: What’s one belief about love or relationships you’re unlearning?
And if you’re navigating this journey and feel stuck, you’re not alone.
I’m here to help.
Book a 1:1 consultation with me hereLet’s raise emotionally stronger, safer humans—starting with ourselves. 
Recommended ResourcesTo deepen your understanding and support healing from toxic relationship patterns, these books offer compassionate guidance—perfect for parents, educators, and self-reflection:
Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your LifeA heartfelt guide for recognising family dynamics passed down through generations and how to heal them. Helps adults break free and model healthier patterns for children.
Poisonous Parenting: Toxic Relationships Between Parents and Their Adult ChildrenExplores how toxic cycles continue into adulthood and what it takes to shift them—useful for parents wanting to create healthier legacies for their kids.
Positive Discipline Parenting ToolsPacked with over 49 practical strategies to reduce power struggles, improve communication, and strengthen emotional safety—essential for breaking the “yelling = control” habit.
Although there’s no dedicated course on toxic relationship patterns, the “PTSD – Cleaning and Clearing Shock & Trauma” course does explore how early experiences impact emotional patterns and responses. While not specifically parent-focused, it offers valuable insights into how trauma gets embedded—and how we can begin to release it, both in ourselves and within our families.
How to Use These ToolsStart with reflection – Choose one book that speaks to your current experience.Do the activities – Try a discipline tool or communication tip from the selected book this week.Journal the impact – Note how it changes the atmosphere with your child—or within yourself.Share and discuss – Use the comments to let the community know what resonated with you!
Ready for tailored support?
Let’s work together to empower you—and your child—with tools that transform relationship patterns for good.
