A sudden realisation

‘I’m just gonna go tuh the loo,’ I got up from the bit of playground wall the four of us were sat on.

It was about midway through lunchtime, which meant there was less likely to be a queue. That suited me just fine, because I hated waiting if I needed to go. I was just drying my hands when the voices of some of the girls in our class drifted in through the window. For some reason when girls wanted to go somewhere to talk privately about something, they used the space behind the bathroom block that led into a little wooded area. They weren’t supposed to be there, but I wasn’t the type to get my fellow classmates into trouble over things like that.

‘It’s true,’ the voice sounded like the other Georgina, the one who wasn’t as smart. ‘My big sister told me so, if a boy is messing with your hair, that means he fancies you.’

My insides froze, and my gaze drifted up towards the window.

‘But Tristan’s so gross,’ another voice, this one belonging to a girl named Lucy, ‘and he’s such a pain now that Martyn’s gone.

It’s more like he’s too afraid tuh pick on the boys like he used tuh, so now he’s just picking on me instead.’

‘But he’s not just picking on you, he’s messing with your hair too,’ Georgina laughed. ‘According tuh my sister, that means he definitely fancies you.’

Yuck, why couldn’t it be Simon, at least he’s nice.’

‘Lucy likes Simon,’ a third girl laughed, but I wasn’t totally sure who’s voice it was.

‘Shut up, no I don’t. I just meant it would be better if it were him.’

‘You three know you’re not supposed to be back here,’ Mrs Burgundy, who was on playground duty, apparently picked that moment to show up and break up the trio’s little gathering.

Not that I really wanted to listen to anymore of the conversation. I’d heard more than enough to get my insides twisting. If a boy messes with your hair it means he fancies you. But I didn’t mess with a girl’s hair. I messed with Rye’s hair. All the time. What was that supposed to mean? As I made my way back towards the others, I told myself I would just have to stop messing with Rye’s hair. I’d just been doing it for fun, not because I fancied him. That meant I could stop doing it any time I wanted. So, I would. And everything would be okay, because boys didn’t fancy boys.

‘Get lost?’ Jay teased as I arrived back.

‘There was just a queue,’ I lied as I sat back down.

‘Sly says when we have the sleepover, he’ll lend me one of their sleeping bags,’ Rye grinned at me, colours shifting with excitement, and I felt a little bit of warmth rise to my cheeks as I realised just how much I liked his smile.

‘We’ve got loads, coz we giants like tuh be prepared,’ Sly laughed.

‘Okay,’ I nodded, trying to focus on something other than the thought I might fancy Rye.

‘It doesn’t matter my sleeping bags a bit tatty, right?’ Jay’s colours moved in an odd manner, which was almost reflected in his shadow. ‘It used tuh…’ he stopped himself. ‘It’s old.’

‘As long as it keeps you warm, it don’t matter, right?’ Sly shrugged. ‘Ours aren’t new either.’

‘Will we need tuh keep warm if we’re sleeping inside?’ He frowned.

‘No,’ his colours swirled thoughtfully, ‘but Stuart says it helps make the floor less hard tuh lie on. So I guess as long as it does that it should be okay.’

‘Right,’ Jay nodded. ‘I guess I remember it being okay tuh lie on. It was a while ago though, we don’t go on many holidays.’

‘We don’t really either,’ Sly shook his head, ‘just a couple of nights away during the summer mostly.’

‘We usually go away for two weeks,’ I shifted my gaze away from all of my friends, suddenly feeling uncomfortable around them for a completely different reason. ‘And we don’t go camping either, we stay in a nice hotel, usually near the seaside.’

‘Well, that makes you all luckier than me,’ Rye tried to sound light-hearted, but I could hear the notes of sadness in his voice. ‘I’ve never been on holiday. Mummy’s a writer, and she earns as much as she can, but she can’t really afford very many treats. She also says you can’t really take a holiday from writing. And Neva Aton is so near Paignton anyway, we might as well just go down there for the day and have fun. When she really wants to treat me we even go to the zoo. The first time she took me is when she got me that bear keyring I used to have. I know it’s not a proper holiday, but I like spending time with mummy.’

As he spoke, my eyes turned back towards him. His colours were buzzing more than normal, and that reflected in the sad swirls moving through his colours. But even without that, I could still have seen the way he was playing with the sleeves of his shirt, and the expression on his face, so his feelings were pretty obvious. And I wanted more than anything in that moment to find a way to make him happy. Because his happiness was important to me. Really important to me.

‘It’s okay Rye,’ despite my earlier resolve, I found myself unable to resist ruffling his hair, ‘I’ll ask my parents if you can come with us next time we go on holiday.’

‘I’m not sure mummy would like that idea much,’ Rye knocked my hand away.

‘Okay, maybe we could just take you and your mum somewhere that’s not Paignton for the day. My dad has a car, so it’d be easy. Hey maybe you could come the next time we go up tuh Exeter tuh see Grandma.’

‘We used to live in Exeter,’ his colours became thoughtful, ‘before we came to Neva Aton. I don’t remember much of it though, so I guess that might be fun.’

‘No guess about it,’ I grinned at him. ‘It will be fun coz it has tuh be.’

Extract from The Colours I See by Ila Golden