“Please. Don’t be boring.”

The Swan Princess (1994) Burial Tide Giveaway!

“Please. Don’t be boring.”

It’s not a job I’d want as a writer, I’ll tell you that much.

Trying to write the first movie about a black Captain America in such a viciously polarised time is a hell of a poisoned chalice and I don’t envy the approximately eighteen thousand screenwriters who worked on Captain America: Brave New World. What does it mean for a black man to represent America given, y’know, the whole business? That has to be delved into right?

Or does it? Is it fair to insist that Sam Wilson has to make some great serious statement on The Issue of Race, when you would never ask that of Steve Rogers? Shouldn’t Sam Wilson just be able to be Captain America without it being a whole thing?

Personally, and this is just my instinct as a writer, I would have focused on winning the crowd over in the first movie with a really kickass Captain America movie and keep the heavy stuff for further movies down the line once Wilson/Mackie had been accepted by a critical mass of the fanbase as the new Cap.

I don’t know how I would have done that exactly.

I can tell you one thing: I wouldn’t have done this.

This being a stealth sequel to 2008’s The Incredible Hulk where Captain America feels like a supporting character in his own damn movie.

The film opens with Thaddeus Ross (Harrison Ford replacing John Hurt) nervously waiting to step onstage and give his acceptance speech after winning the presidency. Now, much as I love Ford, he’s the opposite of a Philip Seymour Hoffman or an Alan Rickman. If he doesn’t think the movie’s worth his time, he will phone it in so hard that he crashes the telecom system. Which is why I’m actually kinda shocked by how good he is in this. Seriously, this may be one of my favourite late period Ford performances. He gives a genuinely compelling portrayal of a deeply flawed but fundamentally decent man trying to do the best for his country as he grapples with the sins of his past and his estrangement from his daughter. The problem is, he kinda ends up stealing the show. Sam Wilson’s role in the story is so static and functional (Mackie is doing alright but honestly, he’s been better as Sam in other movies) that Ross kind of ends up becoming the protagonist by default.

So it’s a few months later and Sam is tracking down a terrorist named Sidewinder and his organisation Serpent, which is this movie’s version of The Serpent Society. In the comics they’re a colourful gang of snake themed villains, here they are a bunch of dudes with guns because the modern-day set Captain America movies, even at their best, have always been somewhat allergic to joy. We also are introduced (technically re-introduced) to Joaquin Torres, the new Falcon, who manages to break the world speed record for making me utterly loathe a character. He swoops down, knocks three of the terrorists onto the ground and then shoots one in cold blood as he tries to stagger to his feet, and then does a little smug dance at how cool he is. So…remember this bit from Falcon and the Winter Soldier (let’s be honest, probably the one part you do remember from that show).

Y’know, the part where John Walker murdered an unarmed terrorist with symbolism? I’m not one of those “John Walker did nothing wrong” lunatics, I’m just saying there seems to be a bit of protagonist-centred morality at play here. I actually wondered if I was over-reacting and that maybe he just shot him with a stun blast or something but according to the MCU wiki:

Maybe one of those “non-lethal” machine guns?

And look, I’m perfectly aware that if this was, I dunno, Thor twatting a Chitauri I wouldn’t bat an eye but…when it’s a representative of the US government just casually shooting a man on the ground and then doing a little Fortnite dance, that feels really gross to me.

Also, we got to talk about the dialogue in this thing. Here’s an actual exchange between Captain America and one of the Serpents before they throw down.

“The Captain America I dreamed of beating was bigger than you.”

“I’m happy to disappoint.”

“I bet you break easy”

“Not that easy”

I have heard children playing super heroes in a playground come up with better fight banter than that. Anyway, Cap and Falcon defeat the terrorists, save some hostages and recover a mysterious canister that they stole while it was en route from Japan to America. Sidewinder escapes, however, and Cap learns that Serpent were supposed to hand the canister off to their employer who never showed up.

After the mission, Torres asks Sam to help him learn some moves and Sam takes him to meet his trainer, the second Captain America, Isaiah Bradley. Sam gets a call from Ross inviting him to the White House and asks Bradley to come with him. Bradley doesn’t want to go, a), because he doesn’t like Ross and b) because of the whole “being locked up for 30 years and experimented on by the federal government” thing but Sam convinces him to go.

We then get a weird ass scene where Sam, Isaiah and Joaquin are in a limo, travelling to the White House, and just keep stating stuff like how they’re in a limo. And going to the White House. It’s like someone just turned on the audio description for the blind and chronically oblivious.

Arriving at the White House, Ross takes Sam aside. Sam is surprised to find that Ross seems like an entirely different person. I mean obviously he’s a different person…oh, by the way, want to see the stupidest headline in history?

Oh gee. I wonder why.

But no, what I mean is that Ross is respectful and humble and downright chill in a way he never was before. He asks Sam to reform the Avengers, pretty much admits he was wrong about the need for superheroes and tells him he wants to work with him to represent all Americans. And, I realise this is probably just current events colouring my reaction but there is something so fucking wholesome about this that I can’t help but love this scene.

We’re also introduced to Ruth Bat-Seraph, better known from the comics as the Israeli superhero Sabra whose inclusion feels like a choice. Sabra in the comics is a Mossad agent and has always been something of a lightning rod of controversy. I don’t necessarily object to her being depicted onscreen but what strikes me as weird is that we have an Israeli character who’s shown as the US President’s chief of security and a former black widow. So now, every time she’s onscreen I’m thinking “she’s a foreign national trained by a notorious cabal of Russian assassins, how the HELL did she get clearance for this job when the Secret Service won’t even hire non-Americans?”

There are absolutely scads of tough female super spies in the comics who would fit this role. Abigail Brand. Jessica Drew. Victoria Hand (yeah I know she died in Agents of SHIELD but are we even still pretending that show was canon to the MCU?). My point is, it’s one thing to include her if it makes logical sense for the story. It’s another thing to go to the trouble of including this character when her mere presence has me constantly going “wait, how does that even make sense”? Like I said, it feels like a choice.

Ross gives a presentation to all the assembled dignitaries on the subject of Celestial Island, the dead alien sticking out of the Earth’s crust that was introduced in The Eternals. Ross tells them that a new metal has been discovered, one that is “even more indestructible” than vibranium.

He then tells us the name of this new wonder metal: ADAMANTIUM.

“OH WOW! PRETTY COOL, RIGHT?”

“Are you honestly expecting me to stand up and cheer for a fucking metal?”

Also, how the fuck is this going to work? If this is literally the first time adamantium appears in this world then the earliest Wolverine can get his claws and lose his memory is 2024. His losing his memory won’t have any long-term impact. He can just piece the details of his life back together with social media.

Anyway, the first sample of refined adamantium was what was in the canister recovered by Sam and Joaquin so everyone’s happy…until Mr. Blue by the Fleetwoods plays over the speakers (ha! I get it) and several people in the crowd go berserk and start attacking Ross. And, unfortunately, one of them is Isaiah Bradley.

Isaiah makes a run for it and escapes the White House with Sam in hot pursuit. The old man has no memory of what just happened and pleads with Sam not to be sent back to jail. The scene of Isaiah being being dragged away by the cops and begging them not to ruin the suit he was married in is genuinely affecting and highlights just how all over the place the writing quality is in this movie.

Case in point, our next scene is Sam angrily barging into the underground facility where the President is in lockdown, actually physically forcing his way past security. Which is so stupid. Firstly, there has just been an assassination attempt by people who had full security clearance, so aggressively making a beeline for POTUS is really not a good look right now. Secondly, this whole thing is framed like Sam going in to give Ross a piece of his damn mind but…what exactly did Ross do? He got shot at. By Sam’s plus one! Why is Sam mad at Ross?! And then Ruth comes into the room and Sam’s all “can we have a minute?”

No Sam. There’s just been an assassination attempt by someone closely linked to you and you just strong-armed your way into a secure area to get close to the President. HIS CHIEF OF SECURITY IS NOT GOING TO GIVE YOU A MINUTE. And I really feel that someone like Sam Wilson, who’s spent most of his life in the military, should know this stuff.

Famously the movie was reshot more times than Tupac Shakur, and this feels like two quite different drafts coming into conflict.

Sam says that Isaiah would never try to kill the president, Ruth points out that he did, in full view of several witnesses.

Sam says that Isaiah had no motive, Ruth points out that the US Federal government destroyed his life.

Sam says that he wants to uncover the truth about what happened, Ross points out that a criminal investigation carried out by the prime suspect’s best friend is compromised by definition and then he calls Sam “son” because the writers need something to make Ross unsympathetic and distract us from the fact that literally everything Sam has done and said since the start of this scene has been dumb and stupid.

Sam is fired from being Captain America (or not, it’s actually really unclear in the dialogue) and decides to investigate the shooting himself. He and Joaquin figure out that Sidewinder’s buyer from Mexico has been behind all this, and used flashing lights on Isaiah’s phone to mind control him. Sam gets attacked by Sidewinder and beats him, only for his phone to go off. A mysterious voice tells Sam that he won’t like what’s coming next (truth in advertising). Back at their headquarters (which I’m going to call the Americave), Sam fills Joaquin in on Sidewinder’s attack in a scene that’s unintentionally hilarious to me. Maybe it’s the Americave’s “small tech-startup” vibe or Mackie’s vaguely annoyed reaction to being almost killed by a global terrorist but it’s just so funny when Sam says “Sidewinder tracked me down”. It’s like they’re bitching about that one co-worker they both hate.

“Guess who I ran into? Karen from HR.”
“Oh JOY.”
“Mhm-hm.”

Joaquin traces Sidewinder’s last call and tracks it to a secret military installation called Echo One, which Sam says is a place “they send you and you never leave”. So that’s something we’ve normalised.

They reach Echo One and meet the real mastermind behind all this, Samuel Sterns.

This is why you have to check the ingredients on the shampoo bottle.

Sterns tells them that Ross has been holding him prisoner for 16 years which is how long it’s been since The Incredible Hulk came out. But, given the Endgame time skip and the fact that this movie has to take place a few months after the Presidential election of 2026, that means that it’s been more like 19 years. So apparently this dude is smart enough to predict the future to a decimal point but not smart enough to read a calendar. It’s such a fumble too, saying “he locked me up for almost twenty years” hits so much harder.

Anyway, Sterns reveals that he was aiding Ross all through his presidential campaign with the understanding that Ross would pardon him once he became president. But, obviously, Ross realised that when you pardon a man who looks like he was spliced with broccoli, people are prone to ask awkward questions like “Who is this man? Why does he look like broccoli? Why are you pardoning him? What was his actual crime? You were holding him for how long? But he got a trial? He didn’t? Why not? Can we re-do the election?” and so forth. So he welched on the deal and kept Sterns locked up. Sterns tells Sam that Ross knows all of this and is still allowing Isaiah to take the rap and face a death penalty (although how he can be even considered for capital punishment for a mere attempted murder, even on the President, is more than I can explain). I suppose they might try and pin a treason charge on him…fuck it, doesn’t matter. Stern tells them that this is all his plan to get ~~pretty fucking justified~~ diabolical revenge on Ross and leaves them to fight some mooks he prepared earlier. After defeating said mooks, Sam finds some pills that Sterns was apparently giving Ross for a heart condition and sends them off to be tested.

Meanwhile, Ross is in Japan trying to salvage a treaty with the Japanese government to prevent a scramble for adamantium. But Sterns has given the Japanese false intel that the US was behind the theft at their mine and the Japanese have decided to just grab as much dead Celestial as they can.

Sterns mind controls two US jet pilots and tries to get them to do a reverse Pearl Harbour but Cap and Falcon arrive and save the day (yay!) but Falcon gets horribly injured (yay!).

At the hospital as he waits by Joaquin’s bedside for the Grime Reaper to stop being such a pussy and do what needs to be done, he’s approached by Bucky…sorry, by the FUCKING CONGRESSMAN FROM THE GREAT STATE OF NEW YORK JAMES BUCHANAN BARNES.

And I wish I still lived in a reality where I had the right to mock that as being ridiculous.

Sam confesses to Bucky his feelings of inadequacy, saying that he thinks Steve made the wrong choice giving him the shield. Bucky replies that Steve gave people something to believe in, but that Sam gives them something to aspire to. And I can’t help but notice that you could have swopped those around and it would have made about as much sense.

The pills that Sam had tested turn out to be loaded with gamma radiation and can I just point out that I worry that thanks to Marvel a large majority of the population no longer realises that gamma radiation is a real thing. Anyway, Sterns turns himself into the military police for…no fucking reason at all, that I can see. He wants to let the media know the truth about Ross but allowing himself to be arrested seems to me the worst way of doing that. Just Wikileaks that shit. Anyway, he unveils his final plan to destroy Ross’ legacy: he turns him into Red Hulk while he’s giving a press conference.

Which would be a pretty cool reveal if it hadn’t been spoiled by the trailers, the posters and every word to come out of Harrison Ford’s ornery mouth. Red Hulk goes on a rampage and Sam arrives to fight him. He lures Ross to a street lined with cherry blossom trees where he used to take his daughter Betty and that proves to be enough to calm him down and end the fight. That is some Batman versus Superman: Dawn of Justice level writing there.

“Save…blossoms…”

Ross de-hulks and is taken into custody. We get the nice escapist fantasy of an obviously criminal president being removed from office without much fuss or to do. Isaiah is freed, Torres is invited to join the Avengers (boooo) and Ross is visited by his daughter Betty in jail and they reconcile so that’s nice, I guess.

***

Increasingly, the bar to clear for MCU movies is whether Spouse of Mouse was able to stay awake until the end and, I must report with regret, she was out like a light by the end of the first act.

Scoring

Adaptation: 07/25

The making of this film was, by all accounts, an absolute shit show and all the signs are there. The story seems at once too simple and yet has too many moving parts, character motivation is all over the place. It’s just a mess.

Our Heroic Heroes: 14/25

Mackie struggles to bring his usual mega-watt charisma to a script that just does not know what to do with him or his character. He feels very much like a supporting player in his own story and that’s a crime.

Our Nefarious Villain: 12/25

Tim Blake Nelson is a damn good actor and he’s not un-menacing as The Leader, and the design is actually a pretty cool and gruesome translation of the comic design. But the whole concept of a villain who can predict every future event with perfect accuracy just rewards bad writing. I can see how he might be a dark horse favourite for some viewers but he just didn’t grab me.

Our Plucky Sidekicks: 08/25

Real mixed bag here. Harrison Ford is genuinely the best thing in the movie. I loathe the new Falcon, I just want to punch this guy in the face.

The Stinger

Sam visits Sterns in jail who taunts him that he may have saved this world but what’s he going to do about the other worlds, oooooooohh.

And the audience went…