Navigating Church Conflict and Departures: When to Be Graceful and When to “Rock the Boat”

TLDR: Leaving a church can feel like a painful divorce, marked by sin and interpersonal conflict. While it’s often recommended to leave quietly to preserve unity, there are situations where confronting wrongdoing is necessary. It’s essential to assess whether to stay or to leave peacefully, or to “rock the boat,” using discernment, prayer, and respectful communication throughout the process.

Leaving a church is rarely easy. In some ways, it shouldn’t be. A church is like a family, which can make leaving one feel like a divorce. And just like in marriages, sometimes those divorces are less than amicable. At times, they’re downright messy. The reason is simple: those in Christ are not free of sin, and sometimes, counterintuitively, a church is the fertile soil that allows sin to blossom.

Compounding the difficulty of leaving a church is the prevailing thought that we should never “rock the boat” when doing so. No matter what, we mustn’t compromise the unity of a church or worse, do something that could cause a church split. Even if we’ve been wronged, it’s better to swallow our pain, anger, and pride, and leave the church quietly. Let go, and let God. At least that’s how the common thinking goes.

But is that right? Is God most honored when we leave a church quietly, no matter what? Or when we stay in one, but allow wrong that has been done to be swept under the rug? I’m not so sure.

When Not “Rocking the Boat” Is Indeed Right

Let me be crystal clear: I’m not saying that it’s always right to “rock the boat.” Far from it; most often, I probably agree with the prevailing wisdom of forgiving and forgetting or leaving quietly. Most often it’s the godly path to take. Here are four times when this is most likely true:

You Stay After A “Normal” Conflict

Not all conflict requires us to go to Defcon 1. Indeed, most of the time, when we experience conflict in a church, it can and should be resolved through a process of prayer, communication, repentance, forgiveness, and restoration. And then it should be over. Now, that doesn’t mean that your relationship won’t necessarily change with the other party. Restoration doesn’t always mean full restoration. Sometimes it does. Sometimes it takes time to get back to the relationship as it was. Sometimes it never will. But even in this last time, there should still be some semblance of a loving, friendly relationship in Christ.

You Leave Because Your Residence Changes

While much of the time when you move away you won’t have cause to “rock the boat” on your way out of a church, we still need to be careful not to offer “constructive criticism” as we walk out the door. Sometimes courage increases inversely with proximity. It’s easier to mention the thing that has been bothering us for a while when our bags are packed. But if it wasn’t bothering us enough to mention it before—when it could have been addressed—then it’s certainly not important enough to mention on our way out.

Now, that’s not to say that there can’t be a place for honest, loving constructive criticism—especially if we are asked to give it. If our heart is truly to help the church be better, then it might be worth sharing. But leaving a church in this context surely isn’t the time to vent.

You Leave Because Your Theology Changes

To grow is to change, and part of that change should be your theology. That might sound odd, but think about it. How likely is it that you landed on the right theological position on every issue as a new believer? Actually, it’s far more likely that some of your earlier positions were…well…flat out wrong. So doctrinal stability is not a sign of spiritual maturity, but change just might be.

Now, the first-tier essentials—the core doctrines—should be stable. Never move away from Jesus being the Son of God, the sinless Savior, who died and rose again on the third day. But your second-tier convictions and your third-tier preferences can certainly change. It’s always best to hold them loosely.

So, what happens when a second-tier conviction changes? To be clear, these are beliefs that are based on Scripture that often separate one local church from another. For example, infant baptism is one of these. It’s not a first-tier essential that identifies a believer from an unbeliever or an orthodox church from a heterodox congregation. But it does matter. For example, it’s difficult for a person who holds to paedobaptism to worship in a church that holds to credobaptism. It’s in these times when it might be best to leave a church, but it’s critical to remember that you changed; the church didn’t. Your job isn’t to convince the rest of the church to swing over to your new theological stance. Rather, respect and love the church. Remember that until recently, you believed what they did. But if the issue is too important to remain as part of the church, leave graciously and peacefully.

You Leave Because Your Values Change

By “values” I’m not talking about doctrines necessarily, but rather what matters to you and your family. For example, this could be where a church has no student ministry to speak of and you have a student who needs those relationships. Or when you are in a church that does not value or participate in missions, but you develop a heart for missions. These values aren’t devoid of Scripture, but it’s not quite the same as changing a theological position. These values are more based on how we put what we believe into practice.

In the end, if you talk with the church leadership about your changing values and you believe it’s not the best for you to stay in that church, leaving graciously is the right thing to do.

Sometimes Leaving a Church Isn’t So Simple

But what about other times? What if the church changes. What if seemingly out of nowhere, the church adopts a doctrine or practice we disagree with or if it changes its vision and values? Or, what happens when the church wrongs us in some way, something that happens far more common than we want to admit?

Again, the prevailing wisdom is that even in these times, we shouldn’t “rock the boat.” Instead, we should leave quietly. But let’s carefully consider the three main reasons often given for doing this to consider how at times it might be best for us not to leave quietly and perhaps not even leave at all.

Reason 1: “Rocking the Boat” Disrupts Harmony

This one might be the most common argument given for leaving a church quietly, even if we have been wronged. The idea is that it’s best for us to swallow our pride, take our lumps, and leave quietly, often without telling anyone about what has happened. To make a fuss means we will compromise the harmony of that church, and that is considered one of the worst things we can do. It’s better for us to just walk away with a self-imposed NDA, or at times to abide by an official or unofficial NDA given to us by the church.

We know that harmony in a church is critical. But we can’t make the mistake of equating harmony with godliness. Even the ungodly can walk together in harmony. So, harmony can be a sign of a church’s spiritual health, but it doesn’t prove it.

Some of the time, when others pressure us to preserve harmony, or we feel self-imposed pressure to be silent, what we’re really being asked to do is allow sin to go unchecked. This is not said lightly. Remember, we’re not talking about differences of opinion here—it’s not like we’re upset because the church painted the walls beige when we wanted them grey. We’re talking about situations in which church leadership has been involved in sexual, physical, emotional, and/or spiritual abuse. We’re talking about situations in which toxic leadership has been displayed. We’re taking about situations in which members have acted sinfully. We’re talking about situations that would not be allowed to stand in most secular organizations.

To leave quietly in situations like this to preserve harmony most likely will simply allow that behavior to continue. A quiet departure can be a covering for sin. Don’t forget, Jesus turned over tables in the temple (Mark 11:15–18)—there was nothing harmony-preserving about that! It was more important for him that sin end than the veil of harmony be preserved. We can learn much from that.

I need to pause here to make something absolutely clear. In times like this, I’m not saying it’s wrong for us to leave quietly. I don’t want to add an additional burden already on top of how we’ve already been wronged. It’s not a matter of what we should do, but rather what we can do. If we have it within ourselves to take a stand against sin, I believe we can. I believe it’s right for us to do so, even if others would accuse us of “rocking the boat.” But I also believe we can indeed leave quietly, if that is what we need to do to protect ourselves.

Reason 2: “Rocking the Boat” Seeks Vengeance

Another reason often given against “rocking the boat” is that to do so is to seek vengeance, and we should leave vengeance to the Lord. It’s true that we should leave vengeance to God (Rom. 12:19), and if that is our motive for “rocking the boat,” then we very well might be in the wrong. However, often the desire of the wronged person isn’t vengeance, but rather accountability and justice.

Seeking vengeance is a desire for retaliation, fueled by our hurt and anger of being wronged; seeking justice and accountability is a desire for God’s truth and ways to prevail, fueled by his holiness. Vengeance puts us at the center of the matter; justice and accountability put God at the center. Wanting vengeance cares mostly about ourselves; wanting justice and accountability cares mostly about the church.

God takes the holiness of the church seriously. The account of Ananias and Sapphira in Acts 5 proves this. At first blush, striking down this couple for lying about the proceeds of the land they sold seems rather harsh. But this was at the start of the church and God didn’t want to give any sin a foothold into the Bride of Christ. Acts 5 is God gravely warning us that he takes the church’s holiness seriously, and thus we should too. Sometimes that means “rocking the boat” is the best thing to do.

Reason 3: “Rocking the Boat” Distrusts God

A third common reason given for not “rocking the boat” is that it’s best for us to trust God to handle the situation. God knows everything; he’s fully aware of what is going on and he will bring to pass whatever he wills through it all. So, be quiet and let God handle his business.

It’s indeed true that God is aware. It’s true that he will do what he wills in the situation. However, the problem here is that we cannot neglect the possibility that we are the chosen instrument God wants to use to bring his will about. Consider evangelism. God draws people to himself for salvation and a person must trust in Christ to be saved, but God has chosen to use us as evangelists. Both are true: God controls the process and God invites us in to be part of that process.

There’s an old preacher story of a man stuck on his roof during a rising flood. The man cries out to God to rescue him. Soon after, someone in a canoe comes by, but the man refuses rescue, saying that God will rescue him. Soon after that, someone in a boat comes by, but the man again refuses rescue because he says God will rescue him. Soon after that, a helicopter flies over head, but once more the man refuses rescue because he says God will rescue him. Soon after, the waters rise and the man drowns. When he reaches heaven, he asks God why he didn’t save him, and God responds, “What do you mean? I sent a canoe, I sent a boat, and I sent a helicopter!”

We just might be the canoe, boat, or helicopter God wants to use to address sin in a church.

How to “Rock the Boat”

If there is indeed a time when “rocking the boat” is the right thing to do, how do we do that? Just because we might be right to “rock the boat” doesn’t mean we’ll do it in the right way. Both matter. Here are four “gauges” to monitor.

The Right Issue

Just because a church has wronged us doesn’t mean it’s automatically right or best to “rock the boat.” As we’ve seen earlier, there could be a time when we determine that it’s best to leave quietly, or that it’s best to stay, but overlook what has happened. This might be especially true if what we’ve experienced is an anomaly. One offense—even a grievous one—could be forgivable, even if the person who wronged us fails to repent.

But what if there is a pattern of wrong? Or what if the wrong is systemic; it’s not just one person, but it’s a group of people acting in concert? What if we believe we aren’t the only ones who have been wronged, or that others could be likewise wronged in the future? These could all certainly be clues that the issue at hand is worth a confrontation.

Another pause is needed here. If there is ever anything illegal occurring, then we need to involve the police in the matter. If, for example, we learn of sexual abuse, the question isn’t just one of staying or leaving quietly or “rocking the boat”; a crime has been committed and we should contact the police, especially if we are a mandatory reporter.

The Right Process

Because sin is involved, the process Jesus gives us in Matthew 18:15–17 kicks in.

“If your brother sins, go and show him his fault when the two of you are alone. If he listens to you, you have regained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others with you, so that at the testimony of two or three witnesses every matter may be established. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. If he refuses to listen to the church, treat him like a Gentile or a tax collector.”

Matthew 18:15–17, NET

The first step is, of course, to go directly to the person or people who have sinned against us and talk with them about it. If we are on staff and our pastor or elders have sinned, we are to go talk with them. If we are the pastor and members of the church have sinned against us, we need to talk with them. If we are a church member and a staff member or elders have sinned, we are to go talk with them. Have a direct, honest, but carefully-toned discussion. Try to go in with more questions than statements. Ask for their perspective of the situation. Give a chance for them to explain. Perhaps no sin has occurred, but rather there has been a misunderstanding. Alternatively, give the opportunity for confession and repentance. If that happens, extend forgiveness as Jesus commands, and talk about ways to restore the relationship and trust moving forward. If possible, come up with tangible steps and determine how to evaluate progress. Set a time to follow up on that progress.

However, if this conversation doesn’t go well, then the next step would be to bring witnesses into a follow-up conversation. Now, some require these witnesses to be witnesses to the sin itself. And if we have witnesses to the sin, it would be ideal to include them. But often, we are sinned against in private; there are no witnesses. That doesn’t mean that we must drop this process after the first conversation as some might claim. Rather, these witnesses are witnesses to this second meeting itself. They are there to testify that the meeting took place (to allow for the third step of the process if it is needed), to what was discussed, to the tone of the discussion, and to other factors.

If this second meeting isn’t successful, then Jesus tells us to take it to the church. Now, what this means isn’t clear, and it depends on our context. For some of us, this means going to other leaders in the church, such as elders, deacons, a personnel committee, a finance committee, or some other committee or group. For others, this might mean going to the lead pastor or other staff member. For others, this might mean taking it before the church body at a business meeting.

If this final step isn’t successful, then it becomes a matter for us of whether we can stay or not. Often, if we’ve gone through this process, we won’t be able to. And in a time like this, it’s best to “shake the dust off our sandals” and be on our way, knowing we strived to be obedient to Christ and that we can sleep well knowing we did so.

One final word is needed here. What do we do when others in the church ask us about what has happened? There isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer here; there are too many variables. But the rule of thumb should be for us to share the least amount we have to while being honest. Don’t miss that last part. Sometimes we are told that we should simply tell people something like, “Oh, God has called me away.” But that’s not true, and we don’t want to sin ourselves. Instead, consider how to provide a range of true answers that are more generic to more precise that we can give depending on the context of who is asking. A fellow church member might get a generic answer. A family involved in the ministry we led might get a more specific answer. An elder, deacon, or staff member still a more specific answer. Be true, but be gracious, wise, and careful too.

The Right Attitude

Often, “rocking the boat” will take some time. And that means even if we begin the process with the right attitude and intentions, that can change. If the first meeting with the person or people who have sinned against us doesn’t go well, we can easily move from spirit-led to anger-led. So, it’s critical that we continue to monitor our heart and motives throughout the entire process. Ideally, this means we’d have someone to come alongside us and hold us accountable. This person needs permission to speak truth to us, even if that isn’t easy. It’s never right to confront sin in a sinful way.

The Right Outcome

As we set out to “rock the boat,” we need to know that things very well might not turn out the way we want them to—the way they should. We need to pray to that end, of course, but we also need to prepare for any other outcome. And as we navigate the process, we need to strive to be at peace no matter how things turn out, knowing that God has not failed and that justice is not thwarted. Justice delayed is not justice denied. We need to be okay with that.

We need to ask God to give us peace with any outcome, and to pray for the church’s spiritual health no matter what. Then, we need to move on with our lives—there or elsewhere. This might mean we seek biblical counseling and/or assistance from a licensed mental health therapist to help us process what we’ve experienced and to find healing. That might take time, and trust may be shaken for quite a while, but we need to do what we can to be on that path.

Conclusion

We all wish there would be no need for us to consider “rocking the boat” in a church. But because of sin, there is a need. As we’ve seen, it’s a complex, multi-faceted issue. There are few clear answers—to leave quietly, to stay quietly, to leave while “rocking the boat,” or to stay while “rocking the boat”—and even when a path is determined, the steps are rarely easy. There can be hurt, fear, anger, and trauma. But know that God is in the middle of the process no matter what. Know that his glory is paramount and that he will sustain you, guide you, and even correct you should it be needed. Hold tightly onto him and loosely onto all else. He will sustain you.

So, what do you think? Am I off here? Have I missed something? Feel free to let me know what you think.