The Hardest Lesson I’ve Learned as a Leader: Kindness Isn’t Avoiding the Truth—It’s Telling It

It’s Not About Me — It’s About Clarity

THE TRUTH I HID FROM MYSELF

For much of my life, I carried a hidden weight: the fear of not being enough.

That fear shaped how I showed up in rooms, in relationships, and in leadership. I strived to prove myself constantly — overdelivering, overachieving, and overcompensating in a quest to be liked, accepted, and validated. It served me in many ways, but it also created a leadership blind spot:

I struggled to deliver hard truths.

Whether it was giving tough feedback to a peer, coaching someone through a misstep, or sharing uncomfortable performance news — I’d tense up. I’d soften the message. I’d rationalize avoiding the conversation altogether. Why? Because a part of me feared that being honest might cost me their approval.

But here’s the transformation I’ve undergone:

Leadership isn’t about being liked. It’s about being clear. Being honest. And being there when it counts.

And more often than not, being there means telling someone what they need to hear — not just what they want to hear.

THE MOMENTS THAT CHANGED ME

Ironically, when I look back at the most formative moments of my career, they were born from someone else having the courage to give me tough feedback.

“You’re trying to do everything yourself. You’re not empowering others.”

“You’re a great individual contributor, but leadership requires a shift in mindset.”

“Your presentations are strong, but you talk too much and don’t leave room to listen.”

None of those messages were easy to hear.

But every one of them made me better.

And I’ve learned that the same is true for the people we lead.

FEEDBACK IS A GIFT — BUT ONLY IF YOU DELIVER IT

When I avoid giving someone feedback, I tell myself I’m sparing their feelings. That I’m being kind.

But what I’m really doing is protecting myself — from discomfort, from tension, from the risk of disconnection.

The truth? Avoiding honest feedback isn’t kindness. It’s cowardice dressed up as compassion.

And while I still don’t always get it right, here’s the mantra I repeat when I feel myself shying away from a tough conversation:

It’s not about me. It’s about clarity.

Because clarity is the true gift. It’s the compass that allows others to grow. And when we as leaders prioritize our own comfort over someone else’s clarity, we rob them of that opportunity.

HOW I’M LEARNING TO GET OVER MYSELF

This journey — learning to deliver tough feedback with empathy and strength — has been humbling. Here’s what’s helped me most:

1. Check My Intentions

Before any feedback conversation, I ask myself:

Am I doing this to help them grow?Am I rooting for their success?Do I care enough to be honest?

If the answer is yes, I owe it to them to deliver the message clearly, kindly, and courageously.

2. Lead with Empathy, Land with Truth

Start from a place of respect and belief:

“You’re incredibly talented, and I see so much potential in you… which is why I need to share something important.”

Set the tone with care — but don’t bury the message in fluff. The goal isn’t comfort. It’s clarity.

[image error] 3. Be Part of the Solution

Feedback shouldn’t be a grenade lobbed from a safe distance. It should be a bridge — a path to improvement.

“Here’s the gap I’m seeing… and here’s how I’ll help you close it. Let’s work through it together.”

When people know you’re in their corner, they’re far more receptive to feedback — even when it stings.

4. Reframe the Narrative

I used to see tough feedback as rejection — as proof I wasn’t good enough.

Now, I see it as investment. As belief. As someone caring enough to want more for me.

And I strive to give others that same gift — even if it’s hard.

LEADERSHIP MEANS STANDING IN TRUTH

There’s a moment in every leader’s journey where you realize this:

People aren’t counting on you to be popular. They’re counting on you to be honest.

And when we choose clarity over comfort, we build trust. When we say what others won’t, we build respect. When we show up with truth, we become someone they can count on — even if it’s not what they wanted to hear in the moment.

Let me be clear: I’m still growing in this area. Every day. Every week. Every conversation.

But I’ve come to learn that the greatest disservice I can do is sugarcoat someone out of their potential.

BE THE LEADER WHO TELLS THE TRUTH

This isn’t about being blunt or harsh or “telling it like it is” with no regard for tone.

It’s about leading with love and landing with truth.

Because the best leaders I’ve ever had? They didn’t coddle me. They didn’t avoid the tough stuff. They told me the truth — and then helped me grow through it.

That’s who I aspire to be.

And that’s who I challenge you to be.

So the next time you hesitate to give someone constructive feedback, ask yourself:

Am I avoiding this to protect me, or to serve them?Am I willing to sacrifice short-term comfort for long-term growth?Am I modeling what someone once courageously gave me?

Because when you do, you step into your power — not to control or critique, but to care.

CALL TO ACTION

Think back to the most meaningful feedback you’ve ever received — even if it hurt in the moment.

What did it teach you?

#AuthenticLeadership #GrowthMindset #EmotionalIntelligence #FeedbackMatters #LeadWithEmpathy #LeadershipDevelopment #ClarityIsKindness #ServantLeadership #MasteringModernSelling