When You Need Soft Words for Your Hard Days

As a survivor of complex trauma and a licensed therapist, Aundi Kolber compassionately and authentically guides on a journey toward healing. It’s an honor of Aundi’s life to resource people on their own path to wholeness and to point them to the Author of Healing. It’s such a joy to welcome Aundi to the farm’s table today…

Guest Post by Aundi Kolber

Sometimes I’ve wished for different story, but there is no gentle way to say this:

For most of my life, I was terrified of my dad.

Truth be told, I had reason to be. For decades I fantasized about what it might be like to have a dad who embodied the God I have come to know and love and give my life to. But my reality was so very different.

In truth, he was chaotic, violent, punishing, and manipulative. Before I had words for it, I learned to walk on eggshells and contort, shrink, and conform myself around a person whose first role and calling was to love me—but instead taught me that love equated to being harmed. When I think back to many younger versions of myself, I feel a bit breathless, realizing how vulnerable I was to his abuse. Even after twenty years of my own healing journey, becoming a licensed trauma therapist, and experiencing the beauty of God-with-me again and again, this reality is still stunning to sit with sometimes. 

To adapt to my dad and the threat I constantly faced, I became hyperattuned not only to him but to what others wanted from me in order to keep the peace. (I had learned the alternative could be horrible.) This, in turn, meant that instead of taking what I actually needed, I took what I assumed others thought was okay for me to need.

Even simple questions like Do you need help? Do you want to stay or go? Which restaurant sounds best? would often be met first by anxiety and then the sinking feeling of deferment to what I thought I must say, instead of what I actually felt.

I often unconsciously transferred my fear of my father to almost everyone, because this was the template I had been given about having needs and a voice. Now, it’s important to state, there is nothing inherently wrong with those types of questions; they are quite understandable and fair. But you see, I learned to bypass my body, mind, and spirit very early as a strategy to survive.

Even when the panic around displeasing someone dissipated, the shame I carried around having needs was profound.

This kept me from voicing the truth of my experience and sometimes kept me from the important conversations that are bound to happen in interpersonal dynamics where we learn to give and take. It is incredibly common for trauma survivors to internalize the belief that they don’t have a choice or voice in their own experience, the aftermath of actually having those bits of agency ripped away in the first place.

“What I have witnessed—in my clients, my readers, my loved ones, and myself—is that as we return agency, affirm dignity, and honor our ability to listen to our God-given needs, we tap into the softness and strength of healing. We create space for repair.“

This is often the cost of unresolved trauma: that even after the event ends, our body still carries the imprint of the pain like a thousand splinters never removed. Yet, I have found it’s possible to reclaim connection to our God-given body and needs; in fact it’s foundational.

I have come to believe it’s more than okay to access and receive what I need, in order that I may participate with God in tending the wounds underneath. In a way, this is part of the repair necessary for all the younger ages of me who never felt safe enough to do just that. 

Why do I share this with you? 

Well, I’ve observed how common this situation is—and not only for trauma survivors, but often for anyone trying to survive in a world with much pain and destruction.

How often are we required to disconnect from our internal compass—the part of us who knows if we’re thirsty, hungry, sad, or alone—just to navigate all that comes our way?

In my work as both a therapist and trauma survivor, I have come to learn the essentialness of feeling free to listen to the still small voice inside of us that supports us in discernment. This is where we can listen for “God with us.” This is what helps us know how to love our neighbors from a place of integrity and authenticity. And this is where we can listen to the embedded wisdom placed within us. But for those who have a history of unresolved trauma or pain, this experience of having access to this inner wisdom can feel snuffed out. 

And yet. What I have witnessed—in my clients, my readers, my loved ones, and myself—is that as we return agency, affirm dignity, and honor our ability to listen to our God-given needs, we tap into the softness and strength of healing. We create space for repair.

I’ve come to think of the work I do as both a therapist and an author as a sort of hospitality: a way in which I can offer nourishment where there may be fear, pain, loss, or trauma. Like the God who promises to set a table for us with good things, it is my desire to follow this model.

“I wonder if you can sense the invitation from your Maker to come, be seen, be known, be loved—to take what you need. “

I find that many of us are starved for hope, care, attunement, and compassion. Many of us are hungry, but for more than just food. We need to know that not only can we partake of the sustenance, but we can do so in the way and at the pace that will actually support us. 

Today, dear reader, I wonder if you can sense the invitation from your Maker to come, be seen, be known, be loved—to take what you need.

You, too, are invited to the table of God’s goodness.

There is more than enough—for each of us.

May we each come to see the way the Author of Healing is with us and for us in this work of wholeness. 

—Adapted from Take What You Need

Aundi Kolber is a licensed professional counselor (MA, LPC) and the bestselling author of the critically acclaimed books Try Softer and Strong like Water. She has received additional training in her specialization of trauma- and body-centered therapies and is passionate about the integration of faith and psychology. Aundi has appeared on Good Morning America, regularly speaks at national events, and is a frequent podcast guest. As a survivor of trauma, Aundi brings hard-won knowledge about the work of change, the power of redemption, and the beauty of experiencing God with us in our pain.

Aundi’s newest offering, Take What You Need: Soft Words for Hard Days, is a collection of quotes from her writing designed to be a healing balm when life is too much and you need to remember you’re not alone. You can follow Aundi’s work on Instagram at @aundikolber or at aundikolber.com. 

{Our humble thanks to Tyndale Refresh for their partnership in today’s devotional.}