Relationships with Parents
“Honor your father and your mother, so that you may livelong in the land the Lord your God is giving you” (Exod. 20:12).
Of the many talks I frequently give, those which havereceived the most favorable response and the most fruitful application amongyoung and old alike are “How to Be Free from Bitterness” and “Relationshipswith Parents.” Right now, I am sitting in a study room at the Illinois StreetResidence Hall at the University of Illinois. Last week, at Urbana ’93, Iconducted a workshop on relationships with parents. Only about 50 studentsattended the workshop. The shock, the incredulity, the rebellion, and the impossibilityof putting this teaching into effect showed in the tears, the questions, thecomments, and the follow-up conversations. That is why I am here writing itdown.
I would first like to draw your attention to two passages inthe Old Testament. I will comment on them, then make a few suggestions forapplying these Scriptures in your life.
“You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form ofanything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. Youshall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am ajealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third andfourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to thousands who loveme and keep my commandments” (Deut. 5:8–10).
“Yet you ask, ‘Why does the son not share the guilt of hisfather?’ Since the son has done what is just and right and has been careful tokeep all my decrees, he will surely live. The soul who sins is the one who willdie. The son will not share the guilt of the father, nor will the father sharethe guilt of the son. The righteousness of the righteous man will be creditedto him, and the wickedness of the wicked will be charged against him” (Ezek.18:19–20).
When we read in Deuteronomy 5:10, “punishing the childrenfor the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hateme,” we could conclude that this is not just. However, throughout the entireeighteenth chapter of Ezekiel, we see that children are not held responsiblefor the sins of their fathers. So what is the second commandment saying? It issaying that sin flows downhill. The sinful influence of our ancestors affectsus, overlapping and passing through several generations. This is generationalbad news.
However, the sentence does not end with verse 9; itcontinues with “but showing love to thousands who love me and keep mycommandments.” The word “thousands” is really “thousands of generations,” incontrast to three or four generations. How do we know it is “thousands ofgenerations”? First, it is the only way the sentence makes sense, and, second,two chapters later we have an explicit statement to that effect: “Knowtherefore that the Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping hiscovenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep hiscommands” (Deut. 7:9). Sin and hatred of God cause the downward movement tothree or four generations, and obedience and love of God cause the upwardmovement to a thousand generations.
I have heard this many times: “I decided I was not going tobe the kind of father (or mother) who raised me. I would become a Christian,marry a Christian, and do it right. I became a Christian, married a Christian,and I am doing it wrong, just like my parents. I am in the second bad-newsgeneration; do I have to wait for two more bad generations before it ispossible to turn this descent around?”
No, you do not have to wait, but unless you change yourrelationship with your parents and grandparents you will have to wait two moregenerations. Becoming a Christian and preaching the gospel to your parents doesnot change the relationship. Home, with parents, is one of the places whereChristians think that they are allowed to lose their temper. That makes therelationship get worse.
About 400 years before Christ, the prophet Malachi gave anegative conditional prophecy. It is found in the last two verses in the OldTestament. “See, I will send you the prophet Elijah before the great anddreadful day of the Lord comes. He will turn the hearts of the fathers to theirchildren, and the hearts of the children to their fathers; or else I will comeand strike the land with a curse” (Mal. 4:5– 6).
The angel Gabriel alludes to this prophecy in Luke 1:17:“And he [John] will go on before the Lord, in the spirit and power of Elijah,to turn the hearts of the fathers to their children and the disobedient to thewisdom of the righteous, to make ready a people prepared for the Lord.”
Notice that to stop the curse from happening, hearts must beturned both ways. Although most of my illustrations are speaking to and aboutchildren, I am really speaking to parents about their relationship with theirown parents. If you are a Christian parent, turn your heart toward yourparents, and turn your heart toward your children.
Now look at the second instance where the Ten Commandmentsspeak of generations. “Honor your father and mother, as the Lord your God hascommanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you inthe land the Lord your God is giving you” (Deut. 5:16).
Application is next: love God (Deut. 5:9); obey God (Deut.5:9); honor your father and mother (Deut. 5:16); and turn your hearts to yourfathers (Mal. 4:5–6).
Because we have not obeyed the two passages in the TenCommandments, we may be in the third- and fourth-generation promise, and wewill not live long on the earth (cf. Eph. 6:1). The land is in danger of beingsmitten with a curse. The Malachi text is a call to repentance, a turnaround ofthe heart.
Here are a few suggestions on how to have a heart repentancethat will 1) stop the curse, 2) cause long life, and 3) turn the three or fourgenerations of bad news around to a thousand generations of good news.
First, there are a few things that are very important inthis turnaround, though they alone bring no automatic guarantee of halting thecurse.
1. Become a Christian. Without a conversion to Christ, it isimpossible to love and obey God.
2. Marry a Christian. Without a Christian marriage, you haveno assurance that you will have Christian children.
3. Stay married: “To the married I give this command…. Awife must not separate from her husband…and a husband must not divorce hiswife” (1 Cor. 7:10–11).
Without these three, you can expect more bad generations.However, with them, the bad generations may still happen. Why? Because yourprior generations still affect you and your children. Leaving your father andmother and cleaving to your wife does not mean that you have turned your heartto your father. Until you do, you are asking for another generation of badnews. You cannot expect to be a good husband or a good father if you have notturned your heart to your own father.
In turning your heart to your father, four elements arenecessary. Preaching the gospel to him is not one of them; do not do so, forthis subverts his authority over you. Instead, you may write a letter him thatconveys each of these four elements. I recommend covering one element perparagraph as follows:
1. If you have confessed to God your previous rebellion toyour father or mother, also confess it to your earthly father with no excusesor accusations.
2. Tell your father how much you respect him. If you do notrespect him, of course you cannot write it without being hypocritical. But youmust write it. How?
First confess to God this disrespect for your father. “Whyshould I? He has not earned it!” The Scripture says, “Honor your father andmother.” It does not say “only if they deserve it.” Your father is to behonored because he is your father. You are commanded to honor him. This is notoptional. If you do not honor him, then you have sinned. The same is true withyour mother. Sin is forgivable, and repentance is required.
After you have confessed your disrespect or lack of honorfor your father, and you are sure you are forgiven, choose to respect him. Youmay ask, “How? He is not respectable.” Respect has nothing to do with therespectableness of the person to be respected. It has to do with the respecterand the respecter’s close fellowship with and obedience to God.
Now with freedom and sincerity, write to your father howmuch you respect him in this second paragraph.
3. In the third paragraph, tell him how much you love him.If you do not love him, that has to be corrected first. Your reply may be, “Hedid not love me, so I do not love him.” It is true that, as a father, he shouldhave loved you so that your response would have been a loving response. But wecannot go back to childhood and start over. Even if we could, that does notguarantee that your father would do it any different the second time. Weaddress the problem from where we are, not from where we should be. You are nowan adult, and as a Christian you have unlimited access to love and forgiveness.If you do not have this access, there is a very real possibility that you arenot a Christian. As a Christian, you may have to confess this lack of love foryour father to God. Is it sin? Yes, it is sin. It is disobedience to thecommand of God. We have been commanded to love our neighbors, love thebrothers, and love our enemies. If you do not think your father fits in one ofthese categories, then perhaps you should study the unconditional quality oflove and the biblical relationship of obedience and love.
After you have confessed and have been forgiven, choose tolove your father. This love requires expression, so tell him in this paragraph.
4. The next paragraph is the place to express yourgratefulness to him. If you are not grateful, then as with respect and love, itis your problem, not his. The procedure is the same. Confess yourunthankfulness to God. When you are forgiven, express your thankfulness to yourfather.
These four elements are necessary and required. The next twoare suggestions for further ways to convey respect.
5. Ask your father to tell you or write you hisauto-biography, his life history. He might not do it, but he will be glad youwant to know about him.
6. Ask him for advice and counsel, in general and onspecific matters. This is part of honor.
Write the same kind of letter to your mother, but with onechange. The first paragraph should express your love to her, and the secondparagraph should communicate your respect for her. Both sexes of the human raceneed love and respect from both sexes. Of the two, women need love more thanthey need respect, and men need respect more than they need love. However, eachneeds both, and they should not have to earn it in order to receive it.
This letter should be followed up with other kind personalletters, hugs, and other physical expressions (e.g. handshakes, if they arewarm, firm, and exuberant).
The letter can be followed up with an explanation, as longas the explanation does not include excuses or accusations. Here is asuggestion: “Dad, I know that you love me very much. You have not been the bestexpresser of your love. So growing up I did not think you loved me. Even now Ihave had to take it by faith. If you wondered why I was boy crazy from juniorhigh through college, it was because I was looking for male affection. Ofcourse, I did not get it. I was getting taken. Now you are wondering about myletter to you and all of the hugs you are getting from me when I come to visit.Although I now have a husband and children, I still need my father, and youneed me. That’s why I am here hugging you. I thought I would prime the pump.I’m giving to receive.” Adjust this example to fit you.
When your parents receive these two letters, several thingswill probably happen. The letter will be read more than once, it will not bethrown away, and you will receive some sort of favorable response. If you donot receive a response, do not think that you did something wrong. Be patientand keep on giving. Some cultures (e.g. those of Northern Europe) are notexpressive with their emotions, except for lost tempers. This kind ofexpression from you may be embarrassing for your parents. But they still wantto receive this expressed love even if they do not know how to return it.
One man in his late fifties wrote this kind of letter to hisfather. His mother replied. “I have been married to your father for sixtyyears. When he read your letter, that was the first time in our marriage I sawtears in his eyes.”
In the early 1980s, we held a summer school of practicalChristianity at Delta House of the University of Idaho. About 40 studentsattended. Respect for parents was one of the subjects. The following fall, in anoon Bible class at Washington State University, I was teaching on the samesubject again. One of the students spoke up. He gave us a story that wentsomething like this:
“I learned this last summer at the Delta House. When I wassixteen, my father kicked me out of the house, saying that he would never seeme again. I left home. I later became a Christian and married a Christian. NowI am a graduate student in economics at WSU. In the meantime, I had not seen myfather. My parents were on the brink of divorce, living in separate bedrooms athome (in one of the Great Plains states).
“When I learned this material, I wrote two letters, one tomy father and one to my mother. It took me several days to write each one, sothey were sent several days apart. For some reason, the letters arrived on thesame day, and both my parents were at home. Seeing that the letters wereaddressed separately, my mother took her letter to her room, and my father tookhis letter to his room. After reading the letters, they exchanged them and wentagain to their separate rooms and read. When they came out, my father had tearsin his eyes and said, ‘I’m flying out to Pullman to see my son.’ I have seen myfather since last summer, and my parents’ marriage has been saved.”
There are two problems, the heart problem and the actionproblem. The heart problem is first. Your unlove, your disrespect, yourungratefulness have to be taken care of in repentance toward God. To write aletter without being forgiven by God only ensures that your letter will beinsincere and hypocritical.
You may have a long wait if you wait for your father to turnto you first. You cannot afford the wait.
After you are clean, write the letters. Then continueletter-writing, telephoning, and visiting, expressing respect, love, andthankfulness.
Doing these things will change you. You will become a betterhusband, son, and father, or a better wife, daughter, and mother. Your love andobedience will bring love for a thousand generations.
How To Be Free From Bitterness and other essays on Christian relationships
