When an Important Friendship Ends, Here’s What to Do Next

If you’ve ever been tempted to put a sign in your front yard advertising for new friends, scream or sob in frustration over a “friend’s” behavior, or cringe at the memory of awkward friendship encounters, you can trust that Kristen Strong understands where you’ve been. As one who spent a good deal of time on both the military spouse and civilian sides of the fence, Kristen knows what it is to give her all to friend-making without getting anything back. But she also knows the rewards that come when you don’t give up finding the friends you need. Kristen wants you to know that you’re not alone in your friendship struggles. This incredible women has been such a good friend to me for over a decade and I’ve often told her she is the world’s most encouraging women, and the friend we all need! If you’re in a difficult friendship season, her book, Desperate Woman Seeks Friends, will be a friend to you. It is my absolute delight to welcome Kristen to the farm table today…

Guest Post by Kristen Strong

As a freshman in college, I became friends with a fellow music major, a senior named Patricia. We got along swimmingly, regularly sharing everything from our meals to our thoughts on Mozart to our interest in good-lookin’ males spotted across campus.

After finals that semester, we exchanged Christmas gifts along with sentiments like “I’ll miss you over break!” and “See you in January!”

Once Christmas break ended and I returned to campus for the second semester of my freshman year, I called Patricia while unpacking my suitcase. (This was in the 1900’s when we didn’t have cell phones or texting capability!) She didn’t answer, so I left a message on her answering machine. When she didn’t call back, I assumed she was doing some new-semester grocery shopping or something similar. 

However, when she barely acknowledged my greeting on campus the next day, I began to think there might be a problem. After extending a couple of invites that she flatly refused, my suspicion turned to confirmation that, indeed, there was a problem. 

Over the next several days, I asked her six ways from Sunday to please share with me what I had done wrong. I asked her every question I could think of in hopes of getting to the bottom of whatever happened. I felt desperate to make things right again.

No communication of any kind came my way, let alone answers to my questions.

I have a tender heart the size of Texas, and sometimes I think God placed my telltale ticker on the outside of my exoskeleton. Therefore, I hate to be on the outs in any of my important relationships. To not know why I was on the outs with Patricia felt like torture. 

Between taking nineteen credit hours that semester and immersing myself in other parts of campus life, I stayed busy.

At the same time, Patricia was an important friend to me, and in the weeks following our friendship breakup, I frequently lamented the loss of our relationship. At night as I tried to sleep, old fears resurfaced and slithered around me. 

At best, I’d surely done something to cause Patricia’s change of heart. At worst, I was unfriendable. 

As the semester drew to a close, I decided to give Patricia a peace offering of sorts by way of a small graduation gift. Within the thank-you note for that gift, Patricia positively stunned me with not only an apology for her treatment of me that semester, but also an explanation for her change in behavior.

She said that as a senior, she felt embarrassed to be hanging out with a freshman. So she’d thought it best to cut ties with me. 

I responded that I forgave her, and I meant it. I simply felt awash in relief that her problem with me wasn’t really about me after all. It was about her own insecurity of gal-palling with someone four years her junior. 

While this is true, I know that it’s possible there were other reasons Patricia didn’t want to hang out with me. Maybe I had personality traits that were more quirks than perks in her mind. I have no idea.

Either way, did that justify her dropping our friendship like it was too hot to hold? To go from being fully engaged in our friendship to fully estranged seemingly overnight? Nope. But she apologized for it, and a well-place apology truly covers a multitude of sins. 

Perhaps you suffered a painful friendship breakup, and to date you see no apology and definitely no answers in sight. That can be the hardest part of a friendship ending: You may never receive answers to all the inevitable questions, at least not here on earth.

If that describes your situation, I’m so sorry. May I gently offer a suggestion for how to proceed from here? 

Pivot your questions from those that have no answers to those that do.

When your friendship circumstances change for the worst, what do you know won’t change? 

“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever” (Hebrews 13:8). He is dependable 100 percent of the time.

When questions and fears about the future of your friendships keep you up at night, what can you rest knowing is true?

God says, “Never will I fail you or abandon you” (Hebrews 13:5). He will never leave you, period. 

Will you be able to forge friendships that last?

“If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?” (Romans 8:31-32). God didn’t spare His own Son for us, so He’ll spare no cost to bring us what (and who) we need.

“I’ve learned that what most helps me with my friendships—the ones that go as I hope and the ones that don’t—is to work on my friendship with Jesus.“

Jesus coming to us, dying on the cross for us, and being resurrected to life with us brings this truth full circle in our lives. 

When we pivot our questions to those that have answers in Scripture, we remind ourselves that the answer to every question is found in Jesus. And in that, I’ve learned that what most helps me with my friendships—the ones that go as I hope and the ones that don’t—is to work on my friendship with Jesus. He is our Friend who never fails us.

After facing a dramatic series of personal losses including a betrayal, author Phylicia Masonheimer wrote the following words based on the old him “Farther Along”: “Farther along, I’ll know all about it. For now—I only know that God is still good.” 

When a friendship ends without your say-so, you may never know why. But today, you can know that it did have God’s say-so—it was no surprise to Him. Farther along, the Lord will restore what the locusts have eaten (Joel 2:25).

You will come out of the other side of this too. 

Phylicia Masonheimer, Every Woman a Theologian, email newsletter, June 10, 2024.

Kristen Strong, author of Desperate Woman Seeks Friends and of other books too, writes with the heart of a good friend and the wisdom of a big sister. Kristen loves sharing laughs, long talks, and meaningful stories with family and friends while holding a cup of strong black tea. She and her USAF veteran husband, David, have three beloved adult children. As a military family, they zigzagged across the country (and one ocean) several times before calling Colorado home. Connect with Kristen at kristenstrong.com and read more about Desperate Woman Seeks Friends at desperatewomanseeksfriends.com.

In Desperate Woman Seeks Friends, Kristen Strong shares with you the pitfalls and possibilities of putting yourself out there—and why it’s worth it to keep trying for the friends you need. Research shows friends are as important for our overall welfare as healthy eating habits and a good night’s sleep, and in this book, Kristen gives you a game plan for finding your friendship groove. Through tell-it-like-it-is talk and vulnerable stories, she wants to help you be a good friend to yourself and others through principles and practices that give life to your friendships. And Kristen wants to show you that while friends may fail you, your Friend Jesus never will. You’re meant to have lasting friendships that feed your heart and soul—you are not the exception.  

{Our humble thanks to Thomas Nelson for their partnership in today’s devotional.}