How to Stop Fighting in a Relationship

There are many reasons why couples fight and most of them can be fixed if you understand how to stop fighting in a relationship.

Today, I want to walk you through some of the underlying reasons you and your partner are fighting, and then together, we can look at how to stop.

Why do Couples Fight?

The truth is that each and every one of us is uniquely different from everyone else. Even twins aren’t exactly the same. We each come into the world with our own talents, challenges, and desires.

This means you’ll never find someone who’s exactly like you, and how boring would it be if you did?

The alternative, however, is that you’re with someone who’s different than you, and that’s okay. This helps you grow and develop as an individual and see the world from a new perspective.

Still, sometimes these differences, as well as other factors, can be too challenging to overcome and the result is fighting. Lots of fighting.

Because We’re All Different

The first reason is just what we’ve discussed – we’re all different. Before you met your partner, you had your own goals, likes, dislikes, preferences, dreams, needs, and personalities.

But something drew you to one another. Something clicked. Those differences fell away, if seemingly temporarily, and you fell in love with one another, despite the differences.

Daily Life Disagreements

Some couples fight over the things that come up frequently, like money, sex, chores, raising the kids, and family issues or external conflicts.

Many times, these types of disagreements are rooted in poor communication and can be solved through more open and honest communication.

For other couples, the disagreements occur because of how you learned to manage those tasks. You may have come from a family who valued paying your bills on time, while your partner’s family barely scraped by and struggled with money.

By communicating and working together, you can usually come to a resolution that fits both of your value systems and needs.

Different Values and Goals

This is truly one of those things you should sort out before you get this far into a relationship. It isn’t a first date conversation, but it is a conversation you should have as your relationship deepens.

Getting together with someone who wants to travel while you want to have kids is going to create some pretty good friction.

Still, if you’re this deep into your relationship, there are things you can do to work on those disagreements. For example, if your partner wants to travel more, but you now have a child or two, you can either schedule some mini vacations for the two of you, or some family vacations. You can always bring along a babysitter, like Grandma or a favorite aunt to give the two of you some time alone.

Being Too Individually Focused

Sometimes it happens that one partner becomes very focused on him or herself. Maybe your boss has promised you a promotion if you do a great job on your next project, but that means learning some new things and really focusing on your job.

For others, it may be more cosmetic. Sometimes, a partner gets focused on working out to the point of spending hours upon hours at the gym. While the focus on health is good, the time away from the relationship will cause problems.

If you notice yourself being too focused on what’s going on just in your life or on a life goal, step back a bit and bring your partner into the fold.

It’s possible to engage him in your interests or you can pull back a little and find some time to spend with him doing something you both enjoy.

Power and Control Issues

There’s no relationship more challenging than a relationship between two alphas. The power struggle is inevitable unless you know how to manage the situation.

And it is manageable.

You can check out more in this article.

Unmet Needs

It can be very scary to put yourself out there in a relationship, even one you’ve been in for a while.

The problem is that then, your needs are most likely not being met. Then, you’re frustrated because he isn’t doing what you wish he would do. But this is mostly because he doesn’t know what you want him to do.

Instead of keeping those things inside, sit down together when you’re both happy and discuss the issue.

Most men in love will work very hard to show their love through actions. Nothing pleases a guy more than doing something for the woman he loves.

He wants to be the guy you want him to be, but he can’t be if he doesn’t know what that means, to you.

A Serious Breakdown in Communications

The truth is that if you can’t enjoy open and honest communication with your partner, nothing else matters. Most of the issues you’re reading about here today can be resolved, at least in part, with better communication.

And communication isn’t just speaking, it’s listening. In fact, the most important aspect of communicating is listening.

But you cannot listen if you aren’t hearing him. What I mean by this is if you’re so wrapped up in your own misery, you won’t be able to see or understand his.

You both must force yourselves into seeing the other person’s perspective if you’re to have any hope of resolving your differences. Set aside your own egos long enough to realize that your partner is hurting, and you want to know how to fix it.

How Can You Stop Fighting?Change How You Communicate

One of the most important things you and your partner can do is recognize that fighting may be the way you communicate and that what you need is a new system of communication. Many people grow up in an environment where every time someone communicates, it’s through yelling.

But when someone yells at you, how do you feel? Attacked? Belittled? Bullied?

And this makes you want to do what? Defend yourself? Crawl into a shell? Fight back?

None of those feelings or responses are healthy ways to communicate with someone you’re supposed to love.

When things are calm and quiet, you can try to approach your partner and discuss all the fighting. Not everything needs to be an argument, but maybe, habitually, it is.

If this starts another argument, simply walk away. Don’t be mean about it.

You know Gregg, I wanted to calmly discuss this with you, but this doesn’t seem like a good time. When you feel like you can calmly discuss this with me, let me know.

Sometimes, just calling someone out on their behavior wakes them up to it. He might not realize he wasn’t being calm to begin with.

On the other hand, if his behavior makes you feel unsafe, it may be time to get out of the relationship. More on that later.

Give Active Listening a Try

People think that communication is all about talking, but it may be more about listening. Everyone wants to be heard, and often, we yell because we don’t think we’re being heard.

That yelling may not come in the form of vocal expression. It might be a lot of tattoos or dying your hair Christmas red – things to bring attention to yourself.

Or it might be through yelling.

Active listening involves not just hearing someone else’s words but noticing their body language too.

For example, arms folded over your chest is known as closed body language. It means you aren’t really receptive to the conversation. Looking down or away may signal shame or a lack of interest in the conversation.

But listening also involves shutting down your own brain while the other person is speaking. Someone who lacks confidence will interrupt the speaker, formulate their own, better response while the other person is listening, or maybe just check out completely.

Instead, invest in what the speaker is saying. Truly hear the words, not how they relate to you, but how they relate to the speaker.

Save thinking up your own response for after the speaker has finished. By the time they’re done, if you’re really listening, you might say something different than what you were planning in the middle of their statement.

Pause Before Speaking

Once the speaker has stopped talking, take a moment to reflect on what was said. This is especially important if you’re in the middle of a disagreement.

Once you’ve reflected for a moment, repeat back what you think you heard.

Gregg, it feels like you just said that you want to spend more quality time together as a couple, rather than with friends all the time. Is that right?

It might feel childish, but many misunderstandings begin right there – not fully getting what the speaker just said to you.

Regardless of how well you try to listen, we tend to inject our own experiences into what other people say. By repeating it back, you can make sure that what you understand is what was said.

He may say, Yes, I enjoy our friends, but I feel like we don’t have enough time alone together. I’d like to fix that.

Now you have something to work with.

See the Situation Through Someone Else’s Eyes

It’s important to take a moment or two to try to see the situation through the speaker’s perspective.

You’re both coming at your relationship from different places, but nobody likes to change, so everyone can quickly become unhappy if neither of you takes the time to consider the other person’s point of view.

Additionally, some folks may have triggers from their past life that you don’t intend to set off. A random blow up over something that seems innocuous to you may mean you’ve accidentally set off a trigger.

Kate began dating too soon after her divorce and found herself with a few triggers. Out of the blue, her new boyfriend would say something, and she’d just fly off the handle. She always regretted it, but it took a bit of introspection for her to realize what was happening.

Her ex-husband had been emotionally abusive and something her new boyfriend said, not intending to be abusive, struck a nerve.

Once she learned that she had triggers, she was better able to control her reactions. She also took a few moments to explain to her new boyfriend what had happened, asking for his patience and apologizing for her blowup.

Give one another a little grace to overcome past hurts and bad habits. Be willing to listen, truly listen, to what your partner is saying and recognize where they’re coming from.

Acknowledge One Another’s Feelings

Whether you agree with their feelings and emotions or not, acknowledge them.

Many times, people hide their feelings, and this just makes a situation worse. Instead of tiptoeing around one another’s feelings, allow a safe space where you can each share how you’re feeling about any situation that comes up.

If you can’t be honest with one another, you don’t have a very solid foundation for your relationship.

Get to the Real Root of the Problem

Many times, the argument isn’t really about what it seems to be about. There is often a deeper root cause.

To do so, try some of these questions:

Where is this coming from?How long has this been going on?Why can’t we see eye-to-eye?How can we better understand one another’s point of view?How can we move forward from here?

These answers might not come right in the moment, but once you plant the seed and let it sit for a while, the answers will usually come. Once you have a better handle on where it’s coming from, it’s easier to work through it.

Step Away

Sometimes, it’s just time to walk away from the argument. Nothing good comes when emotions are high. In fact, those emotions prevent you from thinking logically, so you’re not going to solve anything anyway.

Stepping away allows you to calm down and take a breath. It also allows a break in the argument, which is necessary.

Additionally, you’re both probably to the point of just wanting to win the argument, regardless of how it impacts the other person. There is no winner if you both walk away – but there’s no loser either. You’re simply waiting until you’re both calmer and can discuss things logically.

Whether you physically walk away or simply retreat into your own mind for a bit, stepping away allows you to regain perspective and go at things from a calmer position.

Figure Out If You Can Move Forward and How to do So

Once you’ve calmly talked things through and done your work, it’s time to determine how you move forward so that you don’t keep rehashing the same old stuff over and over.

Hopefully, you’ve developed an understanding of the root problem, and you can both determine what changes you can make to put this disagreement behind you.

The changes can be big or small, but one thing is for sure. If you change nothing, you’ll be right back here again, sooner than later.

If it looks like your differences are too great to overcome, then your only option is to end the relationship. If you can’t agree to disagree or learn how to resolve your differences, there’s no point in continuing the relationship.

Fight Only About the Current Disagreement

When people argue, they tend to dig up every single previous argument or grievance they’ve ever had with that person.

This isn’t fair. Keep your disagreement about the current problem. If you have other unresolved problems, work them out at another time.

Once a disagreement is settled, you must let it go. Forgive one another and move forward.

Wrapping Up

Whether you separate or stay together, there is at least one thing to be learned from the experience of sorting out your differences.

If you had to split up, you now know what’s important to you in a mate, and you can look for those things, as well as making sure you don’t end up with someone who’s just like the person you just broke up with.

Take some time to become you, out of a relationship, before you jump back into another one. This will help you immensely in choosing your next love interest.

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Learn how to put pennies in the jar, how to communicate effectively and how to fight fair, all inside this great book!

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