Monkey Brain is Monkeying

I’m often more affected by my thoughts than by what’s actually happening in the present. I’ve tried many meditation methods to quiet this mental chatter. But this monkey brain keeps jumping from one thought to another. It’s more like multi-thinking than multitasking. My mind constantly thinks about every possible negative thing that could happen to me or my loved ones. I’m either dwelling on the past or worrying about the future, rarely am I focused on the present. I’m well aware of the concept of mindfulness and living in the moment. I even talk to others about it, but I find it hard to practice myself.

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Recently, I’ve discovered a benefit to this overthinking. There’s a lot of unprocessed trauma and sadness that I’ve never truly addressed. Now, reflecting on the past, when I revisit those memories, I don’t approach them with self-pity. Instead, I try to understand how those experiences have shaped me, for better or worse. This approach is proving to be helpful. I’ve started letting go of emotional baggage in this way. I’m learning to forgive. Forgetting is difficult, but processing those memories with objectivity helps.

I used to hold grudges against people who wronged me. But now, I try to understand why they behaved the way they did. Often, I find that they were insecure and unaware. Many lacked good role models or proper education. Their actions stemmed from jealousy, competitiveness, or a desire to feel superior. Humans are complex. Often, they hurt others unintentionally, caught up in their own struggles, unaware of the impact of their actions.

As a child, I was constantly judged, which deeply impacted my self-esteem. I’ve made numerous life decisions based on the fear of being judged. I regret those choices. I wish I had focused on what would have made me happy, instead of worrying about others’ opinions. Even my idea of happiness was once twisted. That fear of judgment was like fuel for my anxiety, constantly feeding it and keeping it alive far longer than it should have lasted.

Trust me, I’m finally finding peace. There were so many things I was holding on to, but now I’m gradually letting them go. It’s a beautiful and peaceful feeling. One by one, I’m releasing these burdens, and a part of my heart is healing. What was once inner turmoil is slowly being replaced by silence and peace.

This process has also helped me deal with the present more objectively and less emotionally. Earlier, I reacted emotionally to everything. Now, I try to see things as they are. I remind myself that someone else’s bad behavior is a reflection of them, not me. I think I will arrive in my fifties filled with gratitude, peace, forgiveness, and love.

The future still worries me. I’ve lived in chaos for so long that my brain seems wired for it. Peace feels unfamiliar, so my mind keeps creating imaginary catastrophes to worry about. Worrying feels like my brain’s default state; it struggles to exist in peace. Sometimes, these thoughts keep me awake at night. Imagining worst-case scenarios makes my chest tighten. Maybe, with time, I’ll learn to heal this, too.

Joining Vinitha‘s two hundred and fifty first edition of Fiction Monday with the word prompt Fuel