When your husband asks, “What do you do all day?” and knitting, links, and more!

If a man asks me, and this happens not infrequently, what to say to his rather overwhelmed young wife about the state of their house (and the state of her mind), and what she could be doing all day, I always reply, “Tell her with great warmth what a wonderful job she’s doing and how much you appreciate her; look around and pitch in. And send her the link to my blog!”

If a wife tells me she’s overwhelmed and simply cannot believe that her husband came home and said, disappointedly and perhaps with a tinge of accusation? incredulity? — “What did you do all day?” or, outrageously, “Maybe you could do an hour of housecleaning every day and that would help you feel less overwhelmed?” I say:

He is not doing a great job of communicating, because he’s a man, but here’s a mark of maturity: to be able to listen to the underlying message.

We are surrounded by exhortations to be a better listener to our children and to those in the workplace (including bosses) but somehow, a wife is never, ever supposed to think her husband might be trying to say something with good will, under the poor delivery! No, the message is always to dig into the hurt, the outrage, the unthinkable oppression. Odd, huh?

But nothing terrible will happen if you take a deep breath and see whether it’s possible that he’s right, if also a big oaf who has a lot to learn:

Let me break it down. Let’s do what we always want others to do, and hear what we’re saying underneath our awkward, unwelcome words; let’s see what he might mean and be feeling (can husbands have feelings?):

He’s stricken to see you in this pitiable state, and feels powerless to help. Remember, men want to solve problems; it’s in their nature. While expressing the whole thing as if it’s your fault (you did nothing that day according to him, despite the stark evidence of actual children you kept alive and his almost certain inability to do it), the real message could very well be, “I had to go; I was there and not here, but we have to live. I can’t not go to work.”But let me ask you this: is he coming home day after day to a total mess? Did you actually spend your day well, and I only touch on it because of the vast amount of time spent complaining about all this on social media?

At first, and with very little children, chaos is something that happens a lot. But there are ways to overcome it, as I have taken 18 years to tell you, only because I myself had to admit I was wasting a lot of time. In those days it was reading the Style section of the newspaper, having another cup of tea, and taking a long time to get dressed. But basically I get it and know what I had to admit to myself before I could reform.

It’s actually not unreasonable, and you’re not going to like to hear this, to spend an hour a day doing housework. When he suggests it, and I freely admit he did not choose his moment well, he has a point.For one thing, it doesn’t have to be a solid hour. It can be 15 minutes, and then half an hour, and then 15 minutes. Put that way, you might even see that it could be, on some days, more than that.

I agree that his way of putting it makes us want to cry (and I’m not opposed to crying — it’s better than pouting or yelling!).

In fact, there’s really no way for him to say this, yet it might need to be said.

Is it not… a wee bit true?

I suggest pulling up our big-girl pants, putting away the phone, and simply scheduling in small blocks of time throughout the day — after your nap, say — to get certain basic things done: getting dinner prepped, making the bed, tidying up, doing some laundry. Time yourself putting on a load of laundry or even, and stick with me here, folding it. How long did it take you? Is it unreasonable?

There are days when even this short list might not happen. He probably really does have no idea what it’s like when everyone is throwing up and so on. When the baby has a growth spurt and literally nurses all day, it can indeed be a challenge to get to the evening with anything other than what looks like bare survival.

I would say, though, that when your husband comes home, it’s worth him seeing you with your hair in order and the toys moved far enough away from the door for him to get in. (If he works at home, it might be nice for him not to hear total chaos all the time, and of course, he needs to know what a normal level of volume really is.)

If something in the oven smells good when he comes to the door (even if it’s the basement door), he can experience a glimmer of hope that you are keeping it together. He really just wants to know that you’re trying; it’s the anxiety that makes him blurt out stuff that sounds bad — really bad.

It’s my belief that, with this bare assurance of your effort, the good man is understanding about disastrous days after all, will pick something up on the way home if alerted, and is capable of processing the laundry after having taken the baby off your hands for a bit.

But as a normal, day-to-day thing, a tiny bit of competence is what the housewife ought to aim for. She shouldn’t retaliate for how it feels to undergo the undeniable challenge of being home with the children. The impulse for revenge has to be fought! Do we want a life of conflict?

If you understood that his helplessness far outruns yours, because he’s out there fighting the dragons and worried about you back home, you’ll take a deep breath.

It’s okay to see that this is what he’s hoping for: a wife who tries. Why? because he wants you to be happy at home; it makes him happy to know you can do it. It’s all he really wants!

So cry if you need to. But also see if you can understand what he’s really trying to say and do something about it. Little by little!

Knitting/Mending Corner

I finished another Good Mouse (but forgot to take a picture).

 

And I cast on and am past dividing for the sleeves of the Petite Knit Sunday Cardigan. This pattern got under my skin after I saw the one my friend Kathryn was making (which she is frogging, and that’s just how it goes sometimes), and the one made by Sarah in my favorite knitting podcast, It is a Sarah. At some point she talked about how one day she suddenly decided to lengthen her cardigan, and I very much like how that looks. Another knitter did it as well and I think it enhances the design, and will try to do it. Hopefully I have enough yarn.

I did not use Sarah’s suggestion for a nicer edging.

In fact, when I got past the collar (which I may leave without sewing down, as I like that look), and began the increases, I realized I had cast on one extra stitch. This error is a direct result of having done the cast-on over again at least 10 times. Some of those attempts were hopeless from the get-go because I had misread 97 for 79 and the rest were having either a too-long or too-short tail, despite using all the tricks to get it right.

So it’s not surprising I messed up. Instead of going back, I just knit two stitches together just before the button band. The yarn is extra-forgiving and I truly don’t think that “fix” shows, but possibly it threw off the count for the button band.

Anyway, I kept going and then realized I truly do not have the smooth edge, even the one specified (over and over) by the pattern. I don’t think this bothers me? But I keep knitting and so am more and more committed…

I love the yarn, this very rustic Icelandic Alefosslopi.

 

Did I tell you about going to my local yarn store’s closeout sale? I got a lot — a lot — for 20% off (plus I saved on shipping because their prices were the same as buying online). I got in early so I could get sweater quantities of yarn and colors I love. This was all thanks to generous readers buying me a skein of yarn as a way to support my work.*

I am using a loose gauge because I love the squishiness and softness. My first swatch used the recommended needle and it’s interesting how I did not like the stiffness of the fabric at all — I just know the resulting cardigan would feel heavy and paralyzing, because I have one I bought long ago with that gauge that I tend not to wear.

I thought about my “Breaking Bad Afghan” and how I love in winter to snuggle up with it — how airy and warm it is — and that is the quality I’m going for here.

Maybe I’ll start again. But maybe not.

 

In other news, my jeans have worn out to the extent of getting a small rip along a weak ridge, and I really cannot stand ripped jeans.

 

 

There’s something about it that makes me angry! So I am going to attempt a “visible mend” along these lines:

 

 

NB: *I subscribed to Sarah’s YouTube channel because I realized her episodes filled the gap that used to be supplied by issues of Gourmet or Country Living, back in the good old analog days, and I certainly had no resistance to paying for those mourned publications! I realized it is worth supporting her (and truly, it’s not very costly!) to have that fun anticipation of something “coming in the mail” — good content.

I also realized I could in good conscience ask for support for my Substacks if the reader is so moved and has that same feeling of happiness when an “episode” (post) arrives in the inbox! At the same time, I like keeping most of the content available to all. Only the chat and comments on The School for Housewives are for paying subscribers, and that’s just to protect my time a wee bit in answering questions.

bits & piecesOf course we were glued to the images of the white smoke and the appearance of the new Holy Father in the loggia, Pope Leo XIV. We don’t know much about him! We pray for him and for us, after our “long winter” of the previous pontificate. I liked this article about the various signs we can “read” so far: Francis and Leo: Starkly Different From the Loggia

 

More on the significance of what the Pope wears (or should wear).

 

Some baseball trivia: Special mud rubbed on all MLB baseballs has unique, ‘magical’ properties, study finds

 

This mystery is rather moving: The World War II tragedy still shrouded in silence 80 years later

 

from the archives:Setting up housekeeping, building a home — advice for a woman preparing for marriage

 

If you want to know more about Leo XIII, presumably the new Pope’s namesake, read this, maybe with your teens or couples book club: Anthony Esolen’s new book, Reclaiming Catholic Social Teaching

 

liturgical living

Father Damien de Veuster, SS.CC, St. John of Avila

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