Expecting Your Cat to Obey? Ha! Why You Are Not the Boss of Them

A YouTuber my human likes was explaining how she raised kids in a non-authoritarian household. She thought she’d give it a listen, even though she doesn’t have kids herself…and realized the same approach applied to cats!

It also explains why a lot of people have trouble establishing relationships and boundaries with their cats. I know it all sounds kind of crazy, but let me explain.

Raising kids by making them obey authority is very common in many households, especially in the US. So that’s what a lot of people are used to. And when they bring a cat home, they see themselves as the authority figure, and expect the cat to obey. The thing is, cats don’t work that way!

No Dominance Hierarchy With Cats

Cats don’t acknowledge a single authority figure the way that dogs (and, I guess, humans) do. The cat social structure is much more fluid, and has more to do with protection of resources than with one cat claiming to be boss. What some people may see as a dominant cat in a multi-cat family boils down to them claiming resources they perceive as valuable or scarce.

If you do have a cat in your family that acts out against other cats, you’ll observe it’s often over certain areas of the house, or things like the litter box or a cat tree. It’s a fear of scarcity, of wanting to keep the privilege to that thing, more than anything else. And admit it, that doesn’t create the kind of happy atmosphere you want in your house anyway.

Cats Are Social, But Not Submissive

Many people think cats are anti-social, but that’s not true. Cats actually enjoy the company of others (cats, humans, other animals that make up the family). They just don’t acknowledge any of them as their boss, and they have no impulse to obey them. While they like company, they are also independent and not rule-based.

Cats only understand doing things they want. They don’t understand why they shouldn’t be allowed to do certain things, like jump on a China cabinet, or use a sofa as a scratching surface. You can’t set rules for them and expect them to obey. But a lot of people do, and they think they can use authority, threats and fear to make their point. And this just does not work longterm. And even when it does temporarily work, it is causing emotional damage at the same time.

Cats and Toddlers Are Soul Siblings

The YouTuber my human likes explained that using force and fear with toddlers is the wrong approach. That’s because a child that young has cognitive limitations that make them unable to understand why you are behaving that way. All they see is someone they rely on being mean and scaring them. It’s scarring and doesn’t help them later on when they’re old enough to understand how to reason.

Well, guess what? Mentally, cats are on the same level as toddlers! And they will never have the emotional maturity to understand reason. So cats are pretty much stuck at the two-year-old level for their whole lives.

If you yell at a cat, bully them or try to punish them for what you perceive as a wrongdoing, it’s the same as being mean to a toddler and expecting them to understand what is going on. And your cat will see you as someone who, no matter how much they love you, has a scary streak that endangers them. It doesn’t foster trust, and it doesn’t inspire a deep and loving relationship between you and your cat.

What to Do Instead

The YouTuber my human watched explained that instead of obeying, she looked for cooperation with her kids when they were very young. She figured out ways to team up with them on necessary things. Could they be in it together somehow? Could it be turned into a game? Was there a way to make it fun or silly? Were there hugs at the end?

With young children, play is a love language, and the same goes for cats. Instead of using anger and punishment, cats can be reached with play, treats and affection. Distraction from unwanted behavior, and redirection to a preferred behavior is more effective in the long run. And it strengthens instead of weakens your human-feline bond.

My human has learned from experience that the more a cat trusts the world, and trusts you (and you are generally their world), the easier it is to work with them. And you get that by soliciting cooperation, not forcing authority.

Let’s Get Real

With kids and cats, you need to set realistic expectations about what they can and can’t do and understand. And you need to set expectations for yourself too, and what you can do as the main person looking out for them. Learn your cat’s behavior, level of understanding, and boundaries, and go from there.

I hope this gives you some insight into the best way to interact with us kitties! And the YouTuber? Two of her children are grown, and two are still teenagers. She’s very close with them all, and they seem like pretty smart, amazing people. So she must be doing something right!

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