Crying in my Car Again

Here I am, crying in my car as if my entire body has been shattered and I will never breath again. My face is pressed against the vinyl of the passenger seat, the seat belt cutting into my shoulder. Stop it, I say, over and over… but my body ignores me. I’m hysterical. I feel every millisecond of sadness I have ever felt in the last thirty years and I’m afraid I will never climb out of this car again.

But I do. The weeping eventually stops, replaced by what I now call a grief hangover. I feel exhausted, numb and shaking from the power of that much sorrow being forced out of my cells. It takes a couple of days to regain a little balance and a few more to return to my baseline of joy seeking, practical optimist.

I’ve spent years in therapy attempting to stop these episodes of hysterical weeping. Medication doesn’t help either. I’ve discussed the multiple sources of grief in my life, especially the chronic anticipatory grief of my daughter’s condition. But no amount of talk therapy, somatic therapy or meditation has helped me stop crying.

So today I am asking, what if crying from gut-wrenching grief is actually okay? What if the release of so much sadness is good for me?

Anticipatory grief is feeling the loss of someone before they are gone. It’s the grief people experience while a loved one slowly dies from Alzheimers or another degenerative disease. The grief is compounded by witnessing the decline of someone you love and having no idea how long it will be before they die. There is usually guilt mixed in with the grief because you want the decline to end but you don’t want the person to die. This kind of grief is complex and can last for years… even decades.

One of my dearest friends recently died and as I thought of her, I started crying in my car. This is a normal response to death. Of course I cried! But what happened next was all of that anticipatory grief I carry with me every day came pouring out too, mixing new grief and chronic grief into a storm of weeping. Once the door opened, I was overwhelmed with even more sadness related to my job, my friends, my family, my country…

I know I scare my friends who witness my crying. It scares me too.

Perhaps that’s the real problem. I’m afraid.

Again I ask, what if crying so hard is actually okay? What if it is a normal response to an impossible situation? If so, then there’s nothing to be afraid of. I’m not weird or crazy. I’m human.

Maybe other people cry in their car too, until their steering wheel is covered in tears.

Do you?