How to Make Your Marriage Better: From Silence to Intimacy — Why Listening Matters in Marriage

Sometimes, love looks like asking the right question at the right time. And sometimes, it’s about the courage to answer honestly. That’s why I’m thrilled to share the words of really wise voices, and friends, Rebekah and Gabe Lyons today. If you’ve ever found yourself drifting emotionally apart from your spouse—or wondering how to rebuild connection when life’s demands pull you in opposite directions—this post is for you. Their new (incredible!) book, The Fight for Us: Overcome What Divides to Build a Marriage That Thrives, is the marriage resource we’ve all been waiting for. In it, they share how curiosity, vulnerability, and faith can help couples reconnect and heal—even after seasons of hurt and silence. What they’ve discovered is that sometimes healing starts with a single question: How are you really feeling? It’s my joy to welcome Rebekah and Gabe to the farm’s table today…

Guest Post by Rebekah and Gabe Lyons

“Marriage is not about having all the answers; it’s about being willing to ask the questions.”

Gabe and I sat on the edge of a pool in the shade after a long afternoon on the beach in the hot sun. Joy was playing nearby; Cade was off eating a snack. I thought we were just cooling off for a moment before heading inside for a lazy afternoon when Gabe drew close to me and cradled my waist.

Every now and then, I see it. Gabe looks at me a little more intently, looking as though he has something on his mind.

There by the pool, he had that look in his eyes.

“I want to learn more about your childhood and memories and all the things that have made you, you,” he said. “Like, when did you start playing the trumpet? Why the trumpet, and not the violin or the flute?”

It wasn’t the most romantic set of questions, but it meant the world to me.

I answered him and shared more about my classical music journey from fourth grade through senior year. I described aperture— the pursing of the lips that makes a woodwind or brass instrument play— and all the ins and outs of band camp. I shared why I chose the trumpet (my brother already had one and we couldn’t afford another instrument), and how I became the first chair among all the boys.

That led to more questions.

“That moment reminded me that sometimes the deepest connection comes not through grand gestures but through curiosity— the simple desire to know your spouse more intimately.”

“Do you feel like having C-sections made you miss out on childbirth the way so many other friends have experienced it?”

“Tell me more about your first kiss? Who was that lucky guy?”

After sharing more details than perhaps I ever had before, I found tears spring to my eyes in gratitude as Gabe gently posed all his questions. Normally, those quiet conversations would center around plans, work, or our task list. But in this moment, when we had the margin and time to just talk, all his attention was on me— getting to know me, my heart, and how I came to be the person I am today.

Gabe reached for my hand. “I know I don’t always ask the right questions,” he said.

“But I’m trying. I really want to know you better.”

That moment reminded me that sometimes the deepest connection comes not through grand gestures but through curiosity— the simple desire to know your spouse more intimately. When your best friend helps you excavate just a little deeper into yourstory, both of you gain perspective on your life. You’ll discover epiphanies that are otherwise easily missed. Your spouse will learn how to jump into the ring with you and help you fight your triggers, temptations, and traumas. As a united couple intent on helping each other heal, you’ll both gain perspective, become more whole, and set the stage to truly experience intimacy.

“When your best friend helps you excavate just a little deeper into your story, both of you gain perspective on your life.“

Our marriage hasn’t always been easy. Like most couples, we’ve had seasons where resentment quietly built between us. After Cade was born with Down syndrome, we were thrust into a new reality— one that involved medical appointments, therapy schedules, and emotional exhaustion. During that season, we were often too tired to engage in deep conversation. It was all we could do to survive the day. I remember lying in bed at night, Gabe on his side of the bed, me on mine, feeling miles apart emotionally even though we were inches apart physically.

I would think to myself, “Does he even know how much I’m struggling?” But I wouldn’t say it aloud. I expected Gabe to read my mind, to understand my pain without me having to say a word. And when he didn’t, I resented him for it.

Meanwhile, Gabe felt helpless. He wanted to support me, but he didn’t know how. And because I wasn’t communicating what I needed, he didn’t know where to start.

We were stuck in that place for a while— circling each other but never really connecting. Until one night, after a particularly difficult day, I broke down in tears. “I feel so alone,” I said.

Gabe pulled me into his arms and said, “I’m here. But I need you to tell me what you need.”

That conversation marked the beginning of a shift in our marriage.

We started being more intentional about checking in with each other.

We stopped assuming we knew what the other person was thinking and started asking instead. Gabe made it a habit to ask, “How are you feeling?”

And I learned to be honest with my answers.

“Healing happens when you feel seen, known, and loved— even in your most vulnerable state.”

This new rhythm of intentional communication brought us closer together. We learned to ask deeper questions, to truly listen, and to hold space for each other’s feelings. Healing happens when you feel seen, known, and loved— even in your most vulnerable state.

Sometimes healing begins with a single question: How are you really feeling?

Gabe’s willingness to ask— and my willingness to answer— helped us build a foundation of trust and intimacy that continues to grow.

Marriage is not about having all the answers; it’s about being willing to ask the questions.

It’s about creating a safe space where you and your spouse can share your hearts without fear of judgment. It’s about choosing to lean in, even when it’s uncomfortable.

Healing doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a process— sometimes slow, sometimes messy. But when both partners are committed to understanding each other’s hearts, real transformation is possible.

THIS IS AN INCREDIBLE Marriage Book!

Rebekah and Gabe Lyons have learned that building a thriving marriage isn’t about having all the answers—it’s about being willing to ask the questions. Their new book, The Fight for Us: Overcome What Divides to Build a Marriage That Thrives, offers couples a roadmap to reconnecting emotionally and spiritually, with practical steps and honest insights drawn from their 28-year marriage.

Rebekah is a bestselling author and national speaker whose wisdom on emotional and spiritual health has helped millions find peace and purpose. Gabe is also a bestselling author and the visionary founder of THINQ, helping people navigate the intersection of faith and culture. Together, they host the Rhythms for Life Podcast and have raised four children—two with Down syndrome—while building a marriage that’s not just surviving, but thriving.

If you and your spouse feel stuck, disconnected, or just longing for deeper intimacy, this book is for you. It’s not about perfection—it’s about learning how to fight for each other instead of against each other.

Get your copy of The Fight for Us —and take the first step toward healing your marriage today. Learn more at RebekahLyons.com and GabeLyons.com.

{Our humble thanks to Zondervan for their partnership in today’s devotional.}