Notes from The Belly of The Whale

To all the children of the world whose parents still breathe, this is a call from the belly of a Sorrow Whale, fashioned from the tears of a parent, deep in an ocean of grief and sorrow. This is a call from a heart so broken, that it is only through the grace of Allah that it still beats. This is a call from a person for whom death is more beloved than life right now, for all the pain she has endured:
 Please, do not, ever bring tears to your parent/s eyes. 
For if  Allah insists that we never even say Oof, to them, what then of the gravity of making them weep? And if Allah instructs us to be good to even our disbelieving parents, then what of the rights of a Parent who shares our faith? 

It does not matter that the words uttered, were done because the parent was wrong. Yes, parents can sometimes be wrong because they are just human. Nor does it matter if the intentions behind the harsh words or actions seemed noble – The path to Hell is paved with Good Intentions.
Nor even, if they came from a place of obedience to Allah: Enjoining good and forbidding evil, for even in that do we subscribe to etiquette.
For me, that my words/deeds caused tears, was enough to seal my fate.
I tried to make amends in other ways. Was the dutiful daughter who cared for her mother, bathed, fed, nursed her to health when she could not stand by herself. Was the devoted daughter who offered up her home to them, a way of lowering the wing of Mercy as Allah enjoined.  And yet, here I am, living the worst pain I have ever known, a pain that has rewritten my understanding of anguish altogether.

That I have used this sorrow to seek the Face of Allah, is only through His grace. That I have used this test, to draw closer to Him, is only through His mercy. What if instead of remaining steadfast, I chose to question His will? I shudder at the thought. 
In trying to understand the source of my grief, I settle on the name of Allah, Al Adl. The Just. Though actually, it means Justice in its entirety. Allah is Justice, the source from whence Every Aadil exercises
Adl. So while many of Allah’s names denote the doer of a deed: An Naafi. The One who gives Benefit or Ad Daarr, one who allows distress to afflict, Allah did not call himself Al Aadil, the One who is Just, rather he is Adl, justice itself. And this Allah, in His Adl, cannot allow the tears of a parent to remain unanswered.
 Your parent may forgive you. (Allah, knows, I have worked hard towards finding forgiveness for my errant offspring but I fear, still, that my tears will reach them), but Allah, Al Adl will not let you off so easily. This has been my experience.So I will say it again, to you, to me, to everyone and anyone who will listen: 
don’t ever bring your parents grief. 
 I don’t know if my words will reach you, nor whether they will touch you. Perhaps I am too late, and you too, dear parent, have been left to your fate because of tears you once caused. Or maybe, you are suffering even though you never caused any? If that is so, please leave a comment because I would like to know whether My Truth is truly true. 
I know we live in an age where people are trying to normalise cutting off ties with their parents because they've completed cutting off everyone else, but if you are a child, and you have broken something precious inside your parent because you need to make yourself happy or speak the truth or demand justice or whatever rationalization you have used, I beg of you, Make amends. For when your test comes, it will far exceed any test you may ever have put them through. 
You will only truly understand their pain, when you are enduring a worse one.  May Allah protect us.