Trials and Success and Saving Each Other

So last night, I had a bit of a breakdown.

To be honest, it’s been coming. The weight of so many things have been pushing down on me [on many of us, probably everyone reading this] and my brain went through a cycle of Bad and/or Difficult Thoughts, in rapid succession:

I started publishing my writing later in life, and I feel time ticking awayThe world’s got bigger things on its mind than what I’m doing, and the country I live in is slipping headfirst into totalitarianism My body has been showing signs of my disease getting more active and I’m afraid that I’ll lose everything I’ve gained, which was nothing like what I had before I crashed initially, but still better than when I was at my worstTrying to find the people who will love my work is like shouting into the void; I know they’re out there but getting their attention amidst all this is easily one of the toughest things I’ve ever doneDoes anyone even care about my stories?Does any of this matter?

It’s difficult to keep a positive outlook, facing all of that. ¹

Ironically, I’m known for being upbeat and for encouraging new writers. 

But see, that’s the trick. I can do that, with my whole chest, because I’ve been through these times of dark despondency. When I show up with encouragement and advice, it’s because it came hard-won. I can honestly tell aspiring authors:

“Yes, times will be bad and you will doubt everything, including your place in the world and why you should bother trying to get your words out there. But times change constantly. You just have to keep going. You have to trust that your calling is true and remember that staying focused on your goals will guide you through the darkest parts of life.”

I can say that with my whole chest because it’s true for me. 

What defines success? Who tells you what it looks like?

You do.

Success for me looks like getting up every day and putting my thoughts to paper or a screen, analyzing them and looking for what’s true or beautiful or poignant and sharing that when it feels right. Yes, even when the world is falling apart, because sometimes—a lot of the time—this is all I can control.

Success looks like watching my slow but steady progress in my author career, as more people recognize my name and know what I talk about, even if they haven’t read one of my books. 

Success is knowing that people trust what I’ll tell them about life, or building a writing career—or anything really—is based on honesty, life experience, and a deep desire to be helpful and supportive. I always stress that I’m sharing my lived experiences and that theirs might be different, especially when weighing privilege and inequalities as part of the picture, but that being open and ready to lend a hand have gotten me quite far.

Success isn’t linear.

I’m Christiane Knight, and I write hopeful stories, even though I’m not always filled with hope. I write about versions of our world where magic is possible but what ultimately solves the problems and gets the characters through the dark times is the characters saving each other through love, and trust, and community. On the surface it might look like the magic did the job, but that’s not the truth of it.

They save each other.

We have to save each other, too.

Success is putting those thoughts into the world over and over, through stories and comments and posts like these, and trusting that my words will create ripples of hope and change, even if that’s on the smallest of scales. 

That’s how I measure success.  

Success doesn’t mean that the problems and dark times go fully away, either. Those will persist and return in different forms, because there will always be struggle.

“Wherever there’s hope there’s a trial.” – Haruki Murakami [also see: Sea, by BTS]

But the trials do make success, however you measure it, that much sweeter. 

And if I can help even one person with my words and actions, especially in these dark times, that’s the most meaningful success of all.

¹ Because this is the Internet, where nuance goes to die, please do know that I am also terrified for people who are being disappeared or unjustly held in hellhole cells for the temerity to live here or crossing the border legally; angry for the people who are being deported or losing their jobs over political stances that are in opposition to this current regime; feeling helpless and furious that once again Black and brown people and LGBTQIA2S+ folks are in danger [not that it ever stops], women are fighting aggressive patriarchy, and the poor and disabled are once again on the brink of being left to die. I was trying to keep it short and sweet but then thought I’d better say this explicitly, because there’s always someone online who doesn’t know you but is desperate to have a gotcha moment.² There is no second note, other than to say that if you let them keep you from creating, then they win. Fuck that, my friends. Let’s create out of love, and of spite if we have to.

The post Trials and Success and Saving Each Other appeared first on Christiane Knight.