Put an Arm Around Them and Coax Them Back.

Family First

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I believe in magnifying words.

Wise words that are worth hearing.

Worth spreading.

Worth living.

After watching Flo Wrestling’s Brent Metcalf Documentary, I took out my magnifying glass and wrote this a few years back.

There is a scene in the documentary when freshman Brent Metcalf, who was at Virginia Tech for only a few weeks, received a phone call from his father saying,

“Hey Brent, the police showed up. Your brother died last night.”

Imagine getting that call.

Brent Metcalf expands on what immediately went through his mind when he got that call,

“At that moment in time, it wasn’t like I was surprised.

It wasn’t like how could this happen, you know?

I just remember, as soon as I got the call, I said,

Of course, he did.

Of course, he’s dead.

Of course, he’s dead.”

If you are wondering why Brent Metcalf would respond that way after learning his brother had just died, well, as he explains, there is a lot of context behind his reaction.

It is in that context and in Brent’s advice to all who may currently be struggling through something similar in their lives where I believe the wise words worth magnifying reside.

To understand the context behind Brent’s reaction, I believe the wording of Mr. Metcalf’s message to his son is very important.

“The police showed up.”

Of course, I don’t know this for sure, but in those words reside an invisible, tragic world that so many families all over America are currently experiencing.

To me, it was as if the Metcalf family’s biggest fear was expecting the Police to show up one day regarding their son Chase.

For Chase had gone off course.

And they knew it.

But deep down, they knew they alone could do nothing to stop it.

It would be up to Chase.

If you ask any wrestler what he loves about this great sport, I’ll bet you will get a version of this answer:

“I love the fact that it is up to me; what I put in will be what I get out.”

I give Brent Metcalf an infinite amount of credit by talking candidly about what happened to his brother. So many times when we read about the passing of a young athlete, everything is so vague. Almost like telling you to read between the lines, not wanting to taint the life of the young athlete who has passed.

I didn’t know Chase.

What I do know was Chase was Brent’s brother and his parents’ son.

And they were a family.

That’s all I need to know.

We all have siblings or sons, and we all are part of the wrestling community.

We all are family.

And family comes first.

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According to Brent, his brother Chase was a much better wrestler than he was. Chase was a 2x Michigan State Champion and an undefeated Senior Nationals champion.

Brent explains,

“For whatever reason, his senior year he just rebelled against the idea that alcohol, drugs and the like, were bad things for your body.

When it came to graduating, when push came to shove, he went this way, and I went that way.”

On September 8th, 200,5 Chase Metcalf died in a fiery crash caused by a drunk driving accident.

Wrestling is life.

There is a substance abuse problem in life right now.

There is a substance abuse problem in wrestling right now.

For whatever reason, more and more people are rebelling against the idea that alcohol, drugs, and the like are bad things for your body.

Wrestling is life.

The wrestling community is a family.

We take care of one another.

That is why I am asking if you see someone who is off course to put your arm round them and coax them back.

Because “off course” leads to “of course.”

And we can’t afford to lose not even one more member of our family.

And if you are the one who feels an arm around you, come on back. We need you.

Wrestling is a tight-knit community. Wrestlers consider themselves part of a fraternity. We consider each other family.

Family takes care of one another.

If you have a person who has gone off course, here is the good news.

They are still here.

They may be sitting on the couch next to you.

They may be part of a team you are on or practicing on the same mat as you.

They may seem successful, they may even be highly successful, and you may even think they have it all under control.

They don’t.

Or, one day, they won’t.

When will it happen?

Those lines get blurred, but it will happen.

Put your arm around them today and coax them back before it does happen.

They are going to tell you they have their life under control.

Wrestlers are stubborn people; they never like to admit weakness or defeat, and asking for help is like losing, admitting weakness and defeat.

Put your arm around them and coax them back.

Love them.

I always respected Brent Metcalf, but after viewing Flo’s Documentary, I respect him even more, if that was even possible.

You ask any wrestler what he loves about wrestling, and you will get the same answer. My success is up to me; what I put into it is what I get out of it.

The same is true in life when dealing with a person who has gone off course.

You know it is ultimately up to them; they have got to be the ones who put the work in.

It is a hard place to be in – when you have done all you can do and you realize it is now up to the person to do the work to come back.

When you are in this spot, just remember what your role is now, just don’t make it worse, make it easy for them to come back, do this by putting your arm round them and coaxing them back. You may not like the way they are living, what they are doing, who they are associating with, it will be easy to rip into them to yell and scream at them, it won’t work it will drive them further away and in a perverse twist they will use your actions as an excuse to go further away. No one can ever use being loved as an excuse to go further away.

When you want to wring their neck, put your arm around them instead.

When you see something and want to say this what are you doing say this is not what you believe in?

This is not you.

You’re better than this.

Put your arm around them instead and coax them back.

One day, while on Facebook, I noticed something going around: a post on how many days former wrestlers have been sober.

15 years, 10 years, 12 years

There is hope.

People do change.

It is hard, but hey, there is nothing a wrestler can’t do.

It is a detail of the story that is interesting, and we will never know. just have to put that out there…

There was a pivotal point when Tom Brands said to Metcalf that his brother could come to Virginia Tech with him.

Metcalf tells his brother and says to him,

“I want you there with me, but you’re going to put down the drugs, you’re going to put down the alcohol, we’re doing this clean, and we are going to do this together. We will take the world by storm.”

His brother thought about it for a while and decided not to go with Brent to Virginia Tech.

Metcalf tilts his head to the side and starts to wonder: “What if he did?”

I know that environment would have been the best thing for him. If he would have ever went.

The way I would have handled it now is I would put my arm around him and say, “Hey man, let’s do this together.”

What you might do with an athlete that is struggling, have him move in with you and say, Let’s do this together. Not hold their hand, but say, hey…

If you’re in that situation and you punish them and say you’re wrong, wrong, wrong… they’re going to go the other way.

I know if you lead that life, if you continue to play with that fire, it’s going to burn ya.

The best way, I think, to help kids, especially one like my brother, would have been to give him love. Give them love and then kind of coax them into the light.

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Family first.