Facing My Fears
Facing My Fears
It isn’t lost on me that I was tasked with starting a blog during eclipse season. After all, eclipses are about integrating our shadow selves with the parts of ourselves we’re not afraid to hide. Let’s call them our positive traits and our negative ones, the ones that maybe we’re not so proud of.
This isn’t a new concept by any means. Carl Jung described our shadow as the part of our psyche (or subconscious) that we repress, whereas our persona is the person we choose to present to the world. Except we can’t truly love ourselves unless we love all of our self, so integrating our shadows is an important part of the healing process.
Eclipses are also a great time for facing our fears, and for the past two years my biggest fear has been losing my anonymity. I’m not a shy person by any means, but I am a private one, so starting a blog is a really big step. One I’ve been avoiding for a couple of years.
Let me explain: My life completely fell apart four years ago. It wasn’t the first time this happened, but I was determined to make it the last. After all, I was tired of suffering. Really tired. I mean seriously, sometimes it felt like my life was just one tragedy after another.
After months of nightmares (about a childhood I couldn’t remember) I made the decision to ask for help, and it came in the form of a healer. This amazing lady not only helped me find the root of the problem, she showed me how to heal it, and ignited my spiritual awakening. That’s when I realized that the Universe wasn’t doing these things TO me, it was doing it FOR me.
At the end of the session she told me I had to write a memoir. I’m not gonna lie, I was not expecting that. At first I thought…Okay, I’ve travelled all over the world and I’ve had a lot of great adventures…I can do this. It’ll be fun. Except adventure wasn’t what she had in mind. Not even close.
What she actually wanted was for me to tell the story of my childhood trauma and how it lead to a series of toxic relationships. This was a BIG ask, especially since I couldn’t even remember my childhood.
“You’ll heal as you write this story,” the healer told me. “And then others will read it, connect to it, and find their own healing. It will take you two years.”
So now I’m thinking…when exactly am I supposed to find two years to write a memoir? Then COVID hit and I lost my job, giving me nothing but time. Two years to be exact. So what did I do? I sat down and wrote a memoir.
But writing a memoir and publishing one…these are two very different things. I used a pen name as I wrote, hoping to protect both myself and my family, because let’s face it, they didn’t choose this, whereas I had a choice.
Last week I had another session with my channeller and she said the words I’ve been dreading to hear for the past four years. “It’s time to publish your book and you have to use your real name. You also need to start a blog and that will be under your real name as well.”
I made a face as she said it, but I knew she was right. After all, she was channelling my spirit guides. Still, it made me nervous. Once my book was published, it’s not like I could take it back. And what the heck was I supposed to blog about? Do people even read blogs any more?
“Stop hiding,” she told me. “It’s time to come out of the closet. How can you be your authentic self if you won’t even use your real name?”
She had a point. I couldn’t argue with her logic. So there was only one thing left to do. Face my fears. And the best way to face your fears is by walking through them.
Where Does Our Shadow Come From in the First Place?
Generally the answer to that question is childhood, but in reality it can happen at any stage of our lives. For the most part though…it’s childhood, so let’s start there.
I’ll use the example of a child who’s being abused. Whether that’s physically, mentally, or sexually is irrelevant as the end result is the same - trauma - more trauma than that child can handle.
What happens in this situation is that the angels usually intervene. Often this means removing or blocking the memory entirely, so the child has a better chance of surviving. This isn’t a permanent solution though. As the child grows older they’re meant to remember. and then integrate these fragmented pieces (the pieces that were sent away) so they can heal them and become whole again.
When this doesn’t happen, they’re often left with an overwhelming sense of loneliness, like something is missing, because it is. Every memory that was sent away is a piece of that person, so how can they possibly feel whole when they aren’t?
As an adult I felt this loneliness in a profound way. It didn’t matter what kind of adventure I was on or how many friends I had, I couldn’t shake it. I blocked my childhood and to be honest, I always thought I was better off.
Remembering wasn’t doing my sisters any good, and we often joked about my terrible memory and how lucky I was to have forgotten. Except that’s not how it works is it? Eventually those memories come back to bite you in the ass. Mine sure did. How can they be healed if they don’t? They need to come to the surface to be healed.
Another example of fragmentation is a parent who loses a child. It’s hard to come back from that kind of pain. If you’ve ever been there then you know what it’s like to cry and cry and cry until one day…it stops. You go from feeling everything…to feeling nothing. Nothing but the emptiness. You shut off in order to protect yourself. You send your pain away. You send yourself away.
Next we have generational trauma. Broken people raise broken people. They don’t mean to. In fact, sometimes they go so far in the opposite direction (trying not to be like their parents) that they end up causing a whole new set of problems.
On top of everything else we have our past lives to contend with. We’re the same soul in every lifetime, and our trauma needs to be healed whether it’s now or later. There’s no getting around it. We can choose to avoid it though. We always have a choice. Just know that if you choose to avoid it, you’re bringing it with you the next time you incarnate. Your choice.
Yes, trauma comes in many forms and it’s not our place to judge anyone else’s. We’re not them. We don’t know what they’ve been through. Our souls are on a journey and not all journeys are the same. We’re all at different stages in our souls’ evolution, and we need to remember that. We need to have compassion.
How Do I Become Whole Again?
I’m not an expert, but I’ve spent a lot of time working on this, and I’ve gathered some tools along the way. I’d like to share them with you.
Meditation is a powerful tool and one we should all use. I know it’s not easy. Believe me, it took me a long time to learn how to still my mind and I still struggle sometimes. It’s completely normal, so we shouldn’t be so hard on ourselves. The fact that we’re trying is already a win. It means we’re taking the time to work on ourselves.
There are many ways to meditate. Find one that works for you. Walking in the forest is my favourite. I can’t tell you how many times this helped while I was writing my book. My brain was on overload, and this simple of act of walking in the forest or along the beach kept me grounded. It was also my greatest source of inspiration. When we clear our minds Spirit’s able to talk to us and give us the guidance we need. I love a walking meditation. In fact, I’m going to do one as soon as I finish this blog :)
Journaling is another tool that helped me. There’s something about writing that releases a lot of energy. I highly recommend it. And don’t worry about how much sense it makes. No one’s going to read it. It’s for you and you alone, so write anything that comes to mind. Use bullet points if that’s easier. Draw pictures. Use a crayon. It doesn’t matter, just get it out of your system. There’s a reason therapists suggest journalling. It works.
Movement is really important as well. Negative energy gets stored in our bodies and we need to release it before it cements and turns into disease. Yoga, dancing, stretching, going for a run, drumming…they all work. Just MOVE the energy by moving your body. It’s that simple.
Here’s the thing; we always have a choice, even if it doesn’t feel like it. We really do. So all we have to do is choose to start the process of healing, of becoming whole, and our higher selves will take it from there. You don’t need all the answers, you just need to make the choice. The rest will come.
Mantras are one of my favourite tools and I use them a lot. I write them on cue cards and on my mirror where I see them every day. I say them before going to sleep and while I’m walking. They’re great for reprogramming your mind.
Here’s one I learned from one of my favourite teachers. While in meditation say I call all of my fragmented pieces back to me now. I used this mantra when I first started healing and I’d repeat it several times. Repeating words sends waves into the universe, and the more we say it, the more we reinforce it.
Healing doesn’t have to be complicated. Remember, words are powerful spells so learn how to use them. And if this phrase doesn’t work for you, find one that does. There’s no one way to heal. Remember that. We’re all on our own journey.
Eclipse Season: How to Use This Energy
There are moments throughout the year when energy is amplified, and eclipse season is one of them. What I love about this, is it’s a great time to get things done. You can heal at anytime (and you shouldn’t wait) but eclipses are like healing on steroids, which is why I love them.
The new moon and the full moon are also times of amplified energy. The new moon is about manifesting what we want, while the full moon is about releasing that which no longer serves us. I love the moon no matter what phase she’s in, but there’s something truly magical about a full moon.
A lot of people don’t like full moons because it shines a spotlight on our shadows. It exposes the parts we prefer to keep hidden. Not just the parts we pushed away when we were younger (because not everyone did this), but the parts we don’t enjoy now. Things like…I have a temper, I’m overweight, I have no boundaries, I suffer from anxiety…pick your poison.
My friend’s a nurse, and she hates working on a full moon because (as she puts it) it brings in all the crazies. This isn’t surprising. The moon represents our shadow and the full moon is when our shadows comes out to play. The darker your shadow, the more you’re triggered, but working with our shadow is how we find our liberation.
I once heard someone say that eclipses are like a “course correct” for your life. I find this really interesting because it means that we have a reset button at our disposal. How cool is that?
I listened to a guided meditation once and she did something quite interesting. I’d like to share it because it was simple and very effective. First she compared our shadows to a full moon. When we look at the moon, all we see is the light, but the moon is round and the back is in total darkness. We just don’t see it.
There aren’t two moons, just two sides making up the whole, and that’s exactly how it is with us. In everything there must be balance, and that includes ourself. We are light and we are shadow, and we need to love them equally.
In this meditation, she said to picture your shadow as if it were a person sitting beside you. Start up a conversation. Get to know this side of yourself and accept it. After a while you can take your shadows’ hand and see how it feels. And when you’re ready, give your shadow a hug, and slowly pull it into yourself until you’re one, until you are whole.
Like I said…simple but effective.
So this brings me back to the subject at hand: facing my fears. My channeller friend was right. I will never be my authentic self when I’m afraid to come out of the closet. So this is me…embracing my fear and stepping into the light. After all, this is what it’s all about. Sharing our experiences, our journeys, our fears, and finding our tribes.
Hi, my name is Tina and this is my blog.
Author of "Finding My Sovereignty: Memoirs of an Empath"
www.sovereignandsage.com
It isn’t lost on me that I was tasked with starting a blog during eclipse season. After all, eclipses are about integrating our shadow selves with the parts of ourselves we’re not afraid to hide. Let’s call them our positive traits and our negative ones, the ones that maybe we’re not so proud of.
This isn’t a new concept by any means. Carl Jung described our shadow as the part of our psyche (or subconscious) that we repress, whereas our persona is the person we choose to present to the world. Except we can’t truly love ourselves unless we love all of our self, so integrating our shadows is an important part of the healing process.
Eclipses are also a great time for facing our fears, and for the past two years my biggest fear has been losing my anonymity. I’m not a shy person by any means, but I am a private one, so starting a blog is a really big step. One I’ve been avoiding for a couple of years.
Let me explain: My life completely fell apart four years ago. It wasn’t the first time this happened, but I was determined to make it the last. After all, I was tired of suffering. Really tired. I mean seriously, sometimes it felt like my life was just one tragedy after another.
After months of nightmares (about a childhood I couldn’t remember) I made the decision to ask for help, and it came in the form of a healer. This amazing lady not only helped me find the root of the problem, she showed me how to heal it, and ignited my spiritual awakening. That’s when I realized that the Universe wasn’t doing these things TO me, it was doing it FOR me.
At the end of the session she told me I had to write a memoir. I’m not gonna lie, I was not expecting that. At first I thought…Okay, I’ve travelled all over the world and I’ve had a lot of great adventures…I can do this. It’ll be fun. Except adventure wasn’t what she had in mind. Not even close.
What she actually wanted was for me to tell the story of my childhood trauma and how it lead to a series of toxic relationships. This was a BIG ask, especially since I couldn’t even remember my childhood.
“You’ll heal as you write this story,” the healer told me. “And then others will read it, connect to it, and find their own healing. It will take you two years.”
So now I’m thinking…when exactly am I supposed to find two years to write a memoir? Then COVID hit and I lost my job, giving me nothing but time. Two years to be exact. So what did I do? I sat down and wrote a memoir.
But writing a memoir and publishing one…these are two very different things. I used a pen name as I wrote, hoping to protect both myself and my family, because let’s face it, they didn’t choose this, whereas I had a choice.
Last week I had another session with my channeller and she said the words I’ve been dreading to hear for the past four years. “It’s time to publish your book and you have to use your real name. You also need to start a blog and that will be under your real name as well.”
I made a face as she said it, but I knew she was right. After all, she was channelling my spirit guides. Still, it made me nervous. Once my book was published, it’s not like I could take it back. And what the heck was I supposed to blog about? Do people even read blogs any more?
“Stop hiding,” she told me. “It’s time to come out of the closet. How can you be your authentic self if you won’t even use your real name?”
She had a point. I couldn’t argue with her logic. So there was only one thing left to do. Face my fears. And the best way to face your fears is by walking through them.
Where Does Our Shadow Come From in the First Place?
Generally the answer to that question is childhood, but in reality it can happen at any stage of our lives. For the most part though…it’s childhood, so let’s start there.
I’ll use the example of a child who’s being abused. Whether that’s physically, mentally, or sexually is irrelevant as the end result is the same - trauma - more trauma than that child can handle.
What happens in this situation is that the angels usually intervene. Often this means removing or blocking the memory entirely, so the child has a better chance of surviving. This isn’t a permanent solution though. As the child grows older they’re meant to remember. and then integrate these fragmented pieces (the pieces that were sent away) so they can heal them and become whole again.
When this doesn’t happen, they’re often left with an overwhelming sense of loneliness, like something is missing, because it is. Every memory that was sent away is a piece of that person, so how can they possibly feel whole when they aren’t?
As an adult I felt this loneliness in a profound way. It didn’t matter what kind of adventure I was on or how many friends I had, I couldn’t shake it. I blocked my childhood and to be honest, I always thought I was better off.
Remembering wasn’t doing my sisters any good, and we often joked about my terrible memory and how lucky I was to have forgotten. Except that’s not how it works is it? Eventually those memories come back to bite you in the ass. Mine sure did. How can they be healed if they don’t? They need to come to the surface to be healed.
Another example of fragmentation is a parent who loses a child. It’s hard to come back from that kind of pain. If you’ve ever been there then you know what it’s like to cry and cry and cry until one day…it stops. You go from feeling everything…to feeling nothing. Nothing but the emptiness. You shut off in order to protect yourself. You send your pain away. You send yourself away.
Next we have generational trauma. Broken people raise broken people. They don’t mean to. In fact, sometimes they go so far in the opposite direction (trying not to be like their parents) that they end up causing a whole new set of problems.
On top of everything else we have our past lives to contend with. We’re the same soul in every lifetime, and our trauma needs to be healed whether it’s now or later. There’s no getting around it. We can choose to avoid it though. We always have a choice. Just know that if you choose to avoid it, you’re bringing it with you the next time you incarnate. Your choice.
Yes, trauma comes in many forms and it’s not our place to judge anyone else’s. We’re not them. We don’t know what they’ve been through. Our souls are on a journey and not all journeys are the same. We’re all at different stages in our souls’ evolution, and we need to remember that. We need to have compassion.
How Do I Become Whole Again?
I’m not an expert, but I’ve spent a lot of time working on this, and I’ve gathered some tools along the way. I’d like to share them with you.
Meditation is a powerful tool and one we should all use. I know it’s not easy. Believe me, it took me a long time to learn how to still my mind and I still struggle sometimes. It’s completely normal, so we shouldn’t be so hard on ourselves. The fact that we’re trying is already a win. It means we’re taking the time to work on ourselves.
There are many ways to meditate. Find one that works for you. Walking in the forest is my favourite. I can’t tell you how many times this helped while I was writing my book. My brain was on overload, and this simple of act of walking in the forest or along the beach kept me grounded. It was also my greatest source of inspiration. When we clear our minds Spirit’s able to talk to us and give us the guidance we need. I love a walking meditation. In fact, I’m going to do one as soon as I finish this blog :)
Journaling is another tool that helped me. There’s something about writing that releases a lot of energy. I highly recommend it. And don’t worry about how much sense it makes. No one’s going to read it. It’s for you and you alone, so write anything that comes to mind. Use bullet points if that’s easier. Draw pictures. Use a crayon. It doesn’t matter, just get it out of your system. There’s a reason therapists suggest journalling. It works.
Movement is really important as well. Negative energy gets stored in our bodies and we need to release it before it cements and turns into disease. Yoga, dancing, stretching, going for a run, drumming…they all work. Just MOVE the energy by moving your body. It’s that simple.
Here’s the thing; we always have a choice, even if it doesn’t feel like it. We really do. So all we have to do is choose to start the process of healing, of becoming whole, and our higher selves will take it from there. You don’t need all the answers, you just need to make the choice. The rest will come.
Mantras are one of my favourite tools and I use them a lot. I write them on cue cards and on my mirror where I see them every day. I say them before going to sleep and while I’m walking. They’re great for reprogramming your mind.
Here’s one I learned from one of my favourite teachers. While in meditation say I call all of my fragmented pieces back to me now. I used this mantra when I first started healing and I’d repeat it several times. Repeating words sends waves into the universe, and the more we say it, the more we reinforce it.
Healing doesn’t have to be complicated. Remember, words are powerful spells so learn how to use them. And if this phrase doesn’t work for you, find one that does. There’s no one way to heal. Remember that. We’re all on our own journey.
Eclipse Season: How to Use This Energy
There are moments throughout the year when energy is amplified, and eclipse season is one of them. What I love about this, is it’s a great time to get things done. You can heal at anytime (and you shouldn’t wait) but eclipses are like healing on steroids, which is why I love them.
The new moon and the full moon are also times of amplified energy. The new moon is about manifesting what we want, while the full moon is about releasing that which no longer serves us. I love the moon no matter what phase she’s in, but there’s something truly magical about a full moon.
A lot of people don’t like full moons because it shines a spotlight on our shadows. It exposes the parts we prefer to keep hidden. Not just the parts we pushed away when we were younger (because not everyone did this), but the parts we don’t enjoy now. Things like…I have a temper, I’m overweight, I have no boundaries, I suffer from anxiety…pick your poison.
My friend’s a nurse, and she hates working on a full moon because (as she puts it) it brings in all the crazies. This isn’t surprising. The moon represents our shadow and the full moon is when our shadows comes out to play. The darker your shadow, the more you’re triggered, but working with our shadow is how we find our liberation.
I once heard someone say that eclipses are like a “course correct” for your life. I find this really interesting because it means that we have a reset button at our disposal. How cool is that?
I listened to a guided meditation once and she did something quite interesting. I’d like to share it because it was simple and very effective. First she compared our shadows to a full moon. When we look at the moon, all we see is the light, but the moon is round and the back is in total darkness. We just don’t see it.
There aren’t two moons, just two sides making up the whole, and that’s exactly how it is with us. In everything there must be balance, and that includes ourself. We are light and we are shadow, and we need to love them equally.
In this meditation, she said to picture your shadow as if it were a person sitting beside you. Start up a conversation. Get to know this side of yourself and accept it. After a while you can take your shadows’ hand and see how it feels. And when you’re ready, give your shadow a hug, and slowly pull it into yourself until you’re one, until you are whole.
Like I said…simple but effective.
So this brings me back to the subject at hand: facing my fears. My channeller friend was right. I will never be my authentic self when I’m afraid to come out of the closet. So this is me…embracing my fear and stepping into the light. After all, this is what it’s all about. Sharing our experiences, our journeys, our fears, and finding our tribes.
Hi, my name is Tina and this is my blog.
Author of "Finding My Sovereignty: Memoirs of an Empath"
www.sovereignandsage.com
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