The Devil, PTSD, BDSM and Venus Retrograde

I got the #cozywitchtarotdeck #adultcoloringbook . #TheDevil was the first card I chose to color. 

 I started coloring The Devil card in February because I wanted to work out some feelings about someone I was casually seeing. I put this picture aside because I left my colored pencils behind and I finally got them back today. I completed the picture and this is what I got out of it.

The person I was seeing is a lot of fun and very adventurous.  We went to events and celebrated life together. They made me laugh until my sides hurt. They are full of magick and creativity and mischief— all things I adore.

I find this person to be incredibly sexy. Whenever we’re alone my panties instantly hit the floor. Even when we tried slow it down and be just friends, all of a sudden I’d find myself naked and covered in cum like, “Whoops, how did that happen?”

I’m #sexpositive person  I thought I had my sexuality and my kinks all figured out but this one came along and took me deeper into understanding my queerness. We played dom/sub a lot and I started to embrace BDSM more and more. It helped gain a greater understanding of my inner masculinity and embrace being #nonbinary, something I am but don’t advertise because I don’t feel the need to flag wave about it. They’re male presenting but nonbinary as well, and I found our mating dance deeply satisfying.

In all, I loved all of our adventures on the street and between the sheets. 

But this person didn’t feel the same way about me. 

At the end of the day, like always, I felt like I was “too much but never enough”.

I never wanted things to get so toxic but the truth is despite how much we had in common, our communication styles didn’t mesh and it caused a lot of problems. We kept triggering each other and arguments would spiral out of control. I can’t speak of their triggers or claim I understand them, but for me, when my #PTSD is triggered, I act in ways that are difficult to understand.

You see, a long time ago I had a boyfriend that was incredibly abusive. He even tried to kill me more than once. So anything that my brain conceives as overly aggressive brings out the fighter in me. There is a certain point when I feel someone is being too agressive that I flash back to the place where I had to fight for my life in my head.

Self care for me is walking away before a PTSD trigger gets tripped and I have a full blown panic attack or become a crazy bitch. And in this relationship, sometimes I couldn’t leave before a melt down happened. So I said and did some ugly things in fight or flight mode.

And my shame deepened because they saw me melt down more than once.

I love and honor myself. I was lucky to develop a strong self esteem and a solid sense of self from a young age. So when I stopped feeling good about myself because this relationship triggered my PTSD, I had to make a tough decision.

I decided it was time to surrender and give up. It’s a bummer but you can’t force someone to understand you. And you can’t make someone care about you either. I’m still disappointed, but I think I’m awesome despite my disability, and my opinion of myself is the only opinion that matters to me in the end.

PTSD sucks and I would never wish it on anyone, but at the same time there’s more work for me to do to understand my triggers so I can maintain boundaries in heated conversations.

I’m not angry at this person. And I hope we can reconnect as friends one day but if we don’t, I understand why. My PTSD is my biggest challenge in relationships and a lot of people just don’t understand it …

In the meantime, I’ve been using #BDSM to reclaim some of that power. I have a friend who is into pup play and he likes to be leashed. I take him on walks and it helps me understand that not all men are aggressive and dominant. He lets me take control on our walks and it helps me understand that there are safe men out there. 

Who had “getting into BDSM” on their Venus Retrograde BINGO card? Lol. I didn’t