Miscellaneous Thoughts

Originally published June 6, 1997, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1229

Miscellany…

It’s trailer season, and the two major comic book-related entries could not be more different. While the Batman and Robin trailer makes me wince at the clunky costumes and dialogue, the Men in Black trailer absolutely kicks butt.

Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith look like they’re having a ball, the visuals are sharp, the dialogue snaps, and Jones ultra-deadpan versus Smith’s street-smart persona set off sparks in just the two minutes that I saw. As they face off against some unseen foe while brandishing massive weaponry, Smith asks in relation to their hardware, “Any clue how to work this?” To which Jones responds in a dazzling combination of ignorance and self-confidence, “No idea at all.”

The frustrating thing is, most audiences don’t know–and probably won’t know–that MIB is derived from a comic book. Unless, of course, it bombs. Then people will be sure to say, “Well, what did you expect, it’s a comic book.”

* * *

Bill Mumy, long-time TV actor (Babylon 5, Lost in Space), series co-creator (Space Cases), and–most relevant to this moment, recording artists (as one half of Barnes and Barnes, the artists of “Fishheads” fame) has a new solo album out. Entitled Dying to be Heard, it has an assortment of nifty tunes written in Bill’s appropriately “spacey” style. Standouts, in my opinion, are “My Sweet Saleena” and, most memorably, “The Ballad of William Robinson.” (“My name is William Robinson, I’m forty two years old, I’ve seen the hot side of the sun I’ve seen blue icy cold, I’ve shot the one-eyed giant down with laser in my hand, But I’ll never see my home again or walk on Earth’s green land”) Basically, “William Robinson” is a filk song, and I fully expect to see it showing up during filk sessions at various SF conventions.

Moreover there’s some nifty photos in it, the best one being a shot directly under the CD itself that B5 fans will just love.

By the way, Dying To Be Heard is not to be confused with another CD, Dying to be Herd– recordings of people screaming while being trampled underfoot by stampedes of assorted jungle beasts–available through Rhino Records.

(Bill’s gonna love that.)

* * *

Although the mercurial nature of Marvel Comics’ current ownership allows that matters might well have changed yet again before this sees print, as of this writing it seems as if Ron Perelman’s latest gambit–namely to have Toy Biz buy Marvel–is doomed to failure. I think that’s a shame. Why? Because once upon a time, Marvel was about publishing comics, and licensing was a fairly minor ancillary sideline. But if Toy Biz, maker of Marvel toys, had taken over Marvel, then it would have finally been official: The tail would have been wagging the dog.

By the way, I also think it’s appropriate that all the major players in the embroglio have names that are easily translatable into comic book costumed identity names. You know:

“They think they have defeated Ron Perelman. But now let the world tremble at the wrath of: Man-Pearl!”

“Little to the bondholders know that Carl Ichan, champion of business, is actually Icon, champion of justice!” (Which will come as news to Milestone.)

“Hah! I, Joe Calamari, am heading up the transition team! Look out, world, here comes: The Squid!”

* * *

I watched the Rugrats Mother’s Day Special twice, which is kind of inevitable considering it’s Ariel’s favorite series and it was the first new one in ages. The middle dragged just a bit, but I got completely choked up I got choked up both times at the end. You will not come away from it dry-eyed. I think it should win a Peabody award.

* * *

I’m sure that there’s some folks out there who would say, “Peter David is the last person we’d want to interview.” But one fanzine took that literally: Centaurian Sentinel, a Babylon 5 fanzine, had a big cover feature that was an interview with me. And the editors announced in that selfsame issue that it was their last one. Which made me officially the last person they’d interview.

* * *

You know, you’ve got the cast of Seinfeld now earning $600,000 per episode. Why? Because the networks earn billions off the show, and the cast felt that they were “being screwed” by the mere $100,000 per episode they were being offered before. They felt that they should be sharing in the wealth generated by the show’s success.

In the meantime, networks are wringing their hands over the fact that their viewership is eroding. They keep coming up with gimmicks to get people to watch, including crossovers and 3D stunts (which is the TV equivalent of fancy covers.)

In the meantime, they’ve lost sight of the answer to one simple question: Who made Seinfeld a hit?

The cast? Creator Larry David (no relation, darn it). The writers? No. No, they made a quality show. But there are tons of quality shows that aren’t hits. The TV landscape is littered with them.

Who made it a hit? I did. And you. And you. And you over there, and yes, you too. You watch it. You watch it when it’s good. You watch it when it’s bad. You tune it in and enable NBC to charge tons of money to advertisers, and even more for syndie rights.

The viewers make hits. The viewers make and break shows. It is the viewers, and the viewers alone, who are responsible for a show taking off or sinking like a stone. Critics don’t do it… otherwise EZ Streets or Murder One would have been smash hits. Writers, creators, actors, don’t do it. You do. You and me.

And, my friends… we’re being screwed.

Here’s NBC making all this money off Seinfeld. Here’s the creators and cast making money. And how much money are we making off Seinfeld?

Bupkus. Zero. Goose-egg, ladies and gentlemen.

This is not right. This is not fair.

Where’s our share? Where’s our cut? Jerry’s making a million per, plus his cut of the series. The rest of the cast is making over half a million. They were ready to walk off the show if they didn’t get what they wanted, just like the cast of Friends was ready to do last year, before they were given $100,000 an episode and new contracts guaranteeing them the right to make a series of really bad movies.

In the meantime, there are people in this country who are trying to find two nickels to rub together and eyeing, with a mixture of hunger and dread, that last can of Alpo by the kitchen cabinet.

There’s an obvious answer here, one that I think will satisfy everyone concerned.

I want to be paid for watching Seinfeld.

And you do, too. And you over there. And you too, over in the corner. But not you over near the water cooler, because you’re funny looking.

Think about it. We’re all being screwed. We are the hit makers, but we receive no compensation, no share, no recognition of the efforts we go to. We’re just expected either to do it for nothing or, even worse, to pay for cable. We have to pay good money to participate in a viewing experience where everyone is making money except us?

What makes the cast, the writers, the network, better than us? And the sponsors, feeding off of us, lining their pockets at our expense. Paying the network for the privilege of advertising, making money off us.

And what do we get? Cable bills. Charge bills. Debt. Stuff we don’t really want or need.

It’s time to put an end to it. Time to let the truly deserving get their fair share.

I intend to boycott both Seinfeld and Friends until such time that NBC pays me to watch them. I’m not even looking for a hundred grand. Ten bucks would do. “Must See TV?” I don’t think so. From now on, it’s “Must $ee TV,” babe. You’re on notice, NBC. Ten bucks a week, cash, check or money order. And I encourage everyone out there to join me.

Ten bucks, NBC. Unlike the cast of Seinfeld, which tried for a million but settled for a little over half that, this offer is non-negotiable.

I’m not bluffing, NBC. And I suspect that, as word of this new campaign gets out, other people won’t be bluffing either. If the cast of Seinfeld could be screwed at $100,000, we can be respected for $10.

The clock’s ticking. Decide quickly. Because my cable bill is due.

(Peter David, writer of stuff, can be written to at Second Age, Inc., PO Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705. Cash, check or money order from NBC can likewise be sent there.)