Life update (03/03/2025)
[check out this post on my personal page, where it looks better]
Recently I went to a private doctor to determine if I should continue taking beta-blockers for my heart issues. The doctor, who is probably in his seventies, told me that my two episodes of arrhythmia that I had back in 2022 or so and that sent me to the ER were clearly a consequence of the Moderna shot; I possibly suffered a pericarditis. But I should probably not worry anymore, he said. Although I experienced extrasystoles recently, he said that they are relatively normal, and I should just raise my heart rate to “cure” them. So maybe my heart issues are a thing of the past. I’ve been exercising normally, or at least not caring about my heart while lifting weights.
Anyway, he told me to quit the beta-blockers. I had taken them for more than a year, and I was experiencing side effects like nightmares and short-term memory issues. However, what I’ve been noticing now that I’m no longer on this stuff is that I’m more anxious, my generalized dread has worsened, and I’m more sensitive to sensory stimuli, which for an autistic person is quite the shitty thing. The lights are too bright, the noises (particularly the damn noises, but that’s my main sensory issue) are too loud, touch is too grating, etc. The joys of having a fucked-up brain.
I had expected to grab eight or so vacation days mid-March, but my boss told me to push them into May. I’m aching to have days in a row in which I can lose myself in writing my novel without having to worry about waking up at five in the morning like I’ve been doing. Telling Elena’s tale will take easily more than a year. Now that I work as a programmer instead of a technician, I interact with people far less, which helps with the creative process (I feel myself detaching from reality, which is wonderful for the creative mindset and terrible for your everyday life, but I only care about one of those). Still, I can’t help but resent from time to time the fact that I will never be able to make a living as a writer, which is my calling. Too bad I can’t set up shop in someone else’s life and make that person pay all my bills so I can dedicate myself entirely to my craft. I’m looking at some of you girls out there.
So, as plenty of you know, Michelle Trachtenberg died. Born in 1985, same as me, and died at 39. I watched her grow up. I likely wouldn’t have seen much of her if I hadn’t been forced to watch television when I “shared” a room with my brother from 7 to 18, but still, I used to think she was one of the most gorgeous girls in the world. I guess I had a huge crush on her. And now she’s fucking dead. Of course, the girl that I had a crush on back then disappeared when Trachtenberg was in her late twenties or so and started her downward spiral; some said she went heavily into alcohol, which would make sense given that liver issues finished her. Still, I’ve been watching recommended YouTube videos about her, and I’ve shed a few tears. Isn’t it nuts that as human beings we still accept that people fucking die? It sounds to me like that’s the main issue we should try to figure out how to solve. Mainly aging and then dying. The world would be a far different place if talented people (or at least beautiful ladies) didn’t keep dying one after another. Anyway, goodbye Michelle. You were an angel, and now you’re dead.
I still daydream about McCarthy’s Alicia Western on a semi-regular basis, although I’ve started daydreaming about my Elena in the meantime. Regarding Alicia, she figured out the math for instantaneous travel between planets, and we’re chilling and watching movies at an outpost built in some other star system. I’ve got lots of daydreams; unfortunately, they rarely make for good stories, which are about increasing tension, while daydreams are about having a good time. Maybe they’d work as slice-of-life mangas.
Oh, I’ve also been playing Terraforming Mars, the board game, in VR, through the new All on Board! app. Maybe one of these days someone will mod in the Arkham Horror LCG, which is my favorite “board” game. Not much else to say about that other than I love board games, although I hate playing board games with other people. I don’t enjoy being pressured. Thankfully there are lots of great solo board games or variations these days. I’ve been thinking about how viable it would be to retrain a mini AI with the rules of a particular game so I could have an adversary that wouldn’t annoy the hell out of me. The last time I tried to play a board game online, a sci-fi one whose name I don’t remember, some young punk kept calling me “cunt” for no apparent reason. The game master nearly booted that guy off for it. People are just the worst fucking part of every activity.
Anyway, I guess that’s all.
Recently I went to a private doctor to determine if I should continue taking beta-blockers for my heart issues. The doctor, who is probably in his seventies, told me that my two episodes of arrhythmia that I had back in 2022 or so and that sent me to the ER were clearly a consequence of the Moderna shot; I possibly suffered a pericarditis. But I should probably not worry anymore, he said. Although I experienced extrasystoles recently, he said that they are relatively normal, and I should just raise my heart rate to “cure” them. So maybe my heart issues are a thing of the past. I’ve been exercising normally, or at least not caring about my heart while lifting weights.
Anyway, he told me to quit the beta-blockers. I had taken them for more than a year, and I was experiencing side effects like nightmares and short-term memory issues. However, what I’ve been noticing now that I’m no longer on this stuff is that I’m more anxious, my generalized dread has worsened, and I’m more sensitive to sensory stimuli, which for an autistic person is quite the shitty thing. The lights are too bright, the noises (particularly the damn noises, but that’s my main sensory issue) are too loud, touch is too grating, etc. The joys of having a fucked-up brain.
I had expected to grab eight or so vacation days mid-March, but my boss told me to push them into May. I’m aching to have days in a row in which I can lose myself in writing my novel without having to worry about waking up at five in the morning like I’ve been doing. Telling Elena’s tale will take easily more than a year. Now that I work as a programmer instead of a technician, I interact with people far less, which helps with the creative process (I feel myself detaching from reality, which is wonderful for the creative mindset and terrible for your everyday life, but I only care about one of those). Still, I can’t help but resent from time to time the fact that I will never be able to make a living as a writer, which is my calling. Too bad I can’t set up shop in someone else’s life and make that person pay all my bills so I can dedicate myself entirely to my craft. I’m looking at some of you girls out there.
So, as plenty of you know, Michelle Trachtenberg died. Born in 1985, same as me, and died at 39. I watched her grow up. I likely wouldn’t have seen much of her if I hadn’t been forced to watch television when I “shared” a room with my brother from 7 to 18, but still, I used to think she was one of the most gorgeous girls in the world. I guess I had a huge crush on her. And now she’s fucking dead. Of course, the girl that I had a crush on back then disappeared when Trachtenberg was in her late twenties or so and started her downward spiral; some said she went heavily into alcohol, which would make sense given that liver issues finished her. Still, I’ve been watching recommended YouTube videos about her, and I’ve shed a few tears. Isn’t it nuts that as human beings we still accept that people fucking die? It sounds to me like that’s the main issue we should try to figure out how to solve. Mainly aging and then dying. The world would be a far different place if talented people (or at least beautiful ladies) didn’t keep dying one after another. Anyway, goodbye Michelle. You were an angel, and now you’re dead.
I still daydream about McCarthy’s Alicia Western on a semi-regular basis, although I’ve started daydreaming about my Elena in the meantime. Regarding Alicia, she figured out the math for instantaneous travel between planets, and we’re chilling and watching movies at an outpost built in some other star system. I’ve got lots of daydreams; unfortunately, they rarely make for good stories, which are about increasing tension, while daydreams are about having a good time. Maybe they’d work as slice-of-life mangas.
Oh, I’ve also been playing Terraforming Mars, the board game, in VR, through the new All on Board! app. Maybe one of these days someone will mod in the Arkham Horror LCG, which is my favorite “board” game. Not much else to say about that other than I love board games, although I hate playing board games with other people. I don’t enjoy being pressured. Thankfully there are lots of great solo board games or variations these days. I’ve been thinking about how viable it would be to retrain a mini AI with the rules of a particular game so I could have an adversary that wouldn’t annoy the hell out of me. The last time I tried to play a board game online, a sci-fi one whose name I don’t remember, some young punk kept calling me “cunt” for no apparent reason. The game master nearly booted that guy off for it. People are just the worst fucking part of every activity.
Anyway, I guess that’s all.
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