Dealing with a Low EQ Teammate

Do you have a colleague with a low EQ? They lack the emotional intelligence that supports self-awareness, self-regulation, empathy, and good social skills. It can be perplexing, draining, and exasperating having to pick up the slack in the relationship. So, what can you do if you have to deal with a low-EQ teammate?

Be Ready

Teamwork can be hard work, even with the best colleagues. It’s best to come from a position of strength where you’re on top of your game and able to respond calmly to what comes at you. That includes the following:

Invest in Your Resilience

Have you noticed that after a good night’s sleep, you can take your colleague’s shenanigans in stride? You can slough off the off-hand remark you might otherwise take as an insult. You have the patience to repeat yourself three times when they aren’t tuned in enough to get your point the first time. That best version of you is going to have an easier time with a low-EQ teammate than the tired, grumpy, or hangry version of you.

To be clear, I’m not saying your teammate’s low EQ is your fault or even your responsibility. I am saying that you have much more control over how their deficits affect you than you think. So, it’s your opportunity (if not your responsibility) to invest in your resilience with proper rest, fuel, and fun. As much as possible, on days (or moments) when you know you’ve got no gas in the tank, minimize contact with someone who will push your buttons.

Learn Their Triggers

There’s a lot to emotional intelligence, and your teammate probably has some areas that are more problematic than others. Reflect on their behavior and consider what might be the most significant issues. For example, is it low self-awareness: their behavior suggests they have no clue about the impact they’re having? Or are their social skills the concern? Are they clumsy with their words or poor at listening and internalizing what other people are saying? Check out this post for more details on the different aspects of EQ that might be missing. If you’re prepared for their transgressions, they won’t be as off-putting or offensive.

As much as you can do to prepare, at some point, you’ll be in the heat of the moment interacting with a colleague who is a bit of a blunt instrument. That’s when you need to…

Breathe Through It

This is probably the most challenging part of interacting with your emotionally dense colleague, especially if you aren’t prepared. They might say or do something that is so out of touch, so offensive, so daft that you wind up triggered and trying to regain solid footing. As much as possible, try to…

Slow Down

It’s easy to get caught up in a conversation that’s going sideways. Often, when we interpret people’s comments as hostile or misguided, we jump in and interrupt. Try to slow down and leave more space and oxygen in the conversation than normal.

When you do open your mouth, don’t respond as an adversary (notice I did not say “don’t react.” That’s too much to ask. But keep your reaction to yourself until they’ve finished their point and you’ve had a few extra seconds to process.

Hear the Signal Through the Noise

People with low EQ can be very clumsy communicators. Try to figure out what they mean, what they need, and what they believe rather than fixating on how they express those thoughts. Ask for clarification; don’t assume. “What do you mean when you say?” Or “What do you want me to do with that?” Or “What is this about for you?”

Don’t be Subtle

People with very high emotional intelligence communicate with subtlety and nuance. This is great for delivering diplomatic messages to those capable of interpreting them. Unfortunately, one of the challenges for a person with less emotional intelligence is they might not be able to read between the lines. Strip out the innuendo, sarcasm, or irony that might normally spice up your conversations. At the same time, don’t expect your body language to do the talking for you. Instead, use clear and concrete descriptions to reduce ambiguity about what you need.

Being explicit and listening calmly to the meaning beneath the words can take a lot out of you. That’s why it’s important to…

Seek Support

It takes a toll on you to continually have to do more of the work in a relationship (which is what happens when the other party lacks emotional intelligence). Make sure you find sources of support to bolster you.

Calibrate Often

It’s easy to take comments personally or to jump to the wrong conclusions when you’re dealing with someone who doesn’t have self-awareness, empathy, or social skills. That’s when it’s best to phone a friend. Share what you’re experiencing and ask how they would interpret the person’s comments or behavior. It will be easier for them to separate the signal from the noise than for you, simply because it’s less personal and the stakes are lower for them. Ask questions like “How would you interpret…?” or “What might she have meant by…” or “What could I say in response…?”

Moments of Levity

Dealing with a low-EQ teammate can be exhausting because everything feels harder than normal. Find colleagues and friends who will bring fun and lightheartedness to your week. One warning: Don’t get your fun by mocking your teammate—that’s not fair—but do poke fun at yourself or the general trials and tribulations of teamwork.

The moments of laughter and perspective-taking will make it much easier to take the high road and…

Encourage Growth

As I said earlier, you don’t have to take responsibility for your colleague’s low emotional intelligence. That said, there might be opportunities where gentle encouragement creates novel insight and new behaviors.

Self-awareness Tools

Many tools are available to help people increase their self-awareness. I often talk about the Birkman® method, which is my go-to assessment system, but there are also commercial assessments such as the DiSC or the Strengths Finder and exercises like the Johari Window or Dr. Tash Eurich’s Insight Quiz. It might be a good idea to ask your manager if you can do one of these exercises, share the findings with the team, and provide feedback that supports better self-awareness and empathy.

Development Priorities

Another way to encourage your teammate to grow and build their social skills is to discuss your developmental priorities. I use a method called the Strike Zone to highlight one area that you’re working on so you can solicit relevant, timely, and psychologically safe feedback. Sharing what you’re working on opens the door to asking them what they’re working on. You might get an opportunity to highlight developmental areas you think would benefit.

Conclusion

Working with someone with low EQ will leave you with more than your fair share of the burden of communication and collaboration. Set yourself up to roll with the punches and then invest in activities that might help your teammate boost their self-awareness, enhance their empathy, improve their self-regulation, and hone their social skills. It’s worth a try.

Additional Resources

Is Emotional Intelligence Really That Important?

Reduce the Impact of Emotional Contagion

Workplace Empathy

 

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