Arguing as a Path to Connection

We’ve all been there—caught in the middle of a heated argument, feeling misunderstood, defensive, or frustrated. Maybe it’s the same topic, maybe it’s a routine, whatever the case may be there is an area in which you’re unable to have effective communication. It all just spirals into a nasty back-and-forth that leaves both people feeling stuck.

Arguments, no matter who they’re with, are no fun. Some of us might even do our best to avoid them but will inevitably end up feeling the same sense of discord… Conflict is not something anyone enjoys but it is a necessary part of relating with others and luckily, it exists on a spectrum. Not every conflict has to be heated and out of control—and accepting it as a natural part of relating can actually support you in transforming all of your relationships… maybe even your relationship with yourself.

That’s right, arguments are imperative for strong, connected relationships.! It all comes down to how you argue.

Let me introduce you to RISA.

RISA stands for Real, Important, Specific, and Aligned, and it serves as a roadmap for healthier, more effective communication during disagreements. It was developed by Harvard Debate Coach and two-time World Debate Champion Bo Seo, who also authored the book Good Arguments: How Debate Teaches Us to Listen and Be Heard. Throughout his career as a professional arguer, he believes that arguments can actually be a pathway to clarity, connection, and progress. Let’s break down each step:

Step 1: Real—Is the Disagreement Real or Imagined?

It sounds kind of silly, but you’d be surprised how often we start an argument about things that are based on misunderstandings or assumptions rather than facts.

Before engaging, pause and ask yourself:

Am I interpreting the situation accurately, or am I assuming intentions that may not be there?

Taking the time to fact-check your assumptions—or even admit that you’re making them—before arguing can prevent so much unnecessary conflict. Sometimes, a simple clarification can defuse tension before it even starts. Asking someone to clarify what they meant can not only save you the heartache but can give the other person a chance to express themselves further.

Step 2: Important—Is This Worth Arguing About?

Once you establish that the disagreement is real, the next question is: “Is this important enough to argue about?”

Arguing about what color to paint a downstairs bathroom isn’t exactly a high-stakes disagreement. Yet, how often have you found yourself arguing passionately about something that… doesn’t really matter?

Ask yourself:

Does this issue affect my values, well-being, or long-term goals?
Will this disagreement still matter in a day, a week, or a year?
If I “win” this argument, will it actually improve the situation, or am I just trying to be right?

This step helps you choose your battles wisely, preventing unnecessary tension over trivial matters. When you stop fighting over minor things, you free up energy to address real issues that matter.

Step 3: Specific—Is the Disagreement Focused Enough to Be Productive?

What are you actually upset about? If you’re unclear, chances are your partner will be too, and the argument will spiral into frustration, blame, or unrelated past conflicts. That’s why the next step is ensuring the issue is specific enough to make progress.

Before engaging, ask:

What is the exact point of disagreement?
Are we tackling one issue, or have multiple concerns become entangled?
Can we break this down into a clear, actionable discussion?

When arguments stay focused, they’re more manageable, productive, and less likely to escalate into personal attacks. Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” a more specific version would be: “I felt unheard when you interrupted me during our conversation earlier.”

Step 4: Aligned—Are Both Sides Working Toward the Same Goal?

Endless or repeating arguments typically happen because two people are seeking two different things. One person is seeking an apology, while the other wants to be understood. When goals aren’t clear, arguments become exhausting.

Before arguing, ask:

What outcome am I hoping for?
Does the other person want the same thing? If not, what do they want?
Can we reframe the disagreement so we’re working together toward a shared goal?

Understanding each other’s goals can turn arguments into problem-solving conversations. If two people argue about spending money, for example, they may realize they’re both worried about financial security and can find solutions together instead of fighting.

The beauty of RISA lies in its balance—you’re not sacrificing your needs for the sake of harmony, nor are you bulldozing your partner’s feelings to get your way. Instead, you’re entering into a space of shared understanding where both voices are heard and both perspectives are valued. But this framework can be applied to your relationship with yourself as well. It’s kind of impossible to not be brought into deeper intimacy with yourself through practicing this approach. Apply it the next time that you feel frustrated or critical of yourself.

Opposition is something that the kabbalists teach as being an evolutionary and transformative experience. We’re bound to find it throughout our lives and because relationships serve as vehicles for our deepest growth, the opposition we find within them can be seen as an opportunity—not something to fear or lose ourselves in. There is power in navigating and working with opposition and the RISA framework allows for exactly that.

Arguments don’t have to be negative. When approached through the lens of the RISA framework, they become powerful tools for understanding, growth, and collaboration. So, the next time you find yourself in a disagreement—whether with someone else or with your own inner dialogue—remember the power of reflection, inquiry, sharing, and agreement.

Is it real?
Is it important?
Is it specific?
Are we aligned to the same outcome?

You’ll be amazed at how these four simple steps can transform your conflicts—and your relationships—for the better.

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