Your Team is Lying to You, and It’s Your Fault

How aware are you of the dynamics at play in your team? Maybe you’re clued in on what’s wrong with everyone else, but what about their perceptions of you? Odds are, you’re not as self-aware as you need to be. And low self-awareness makes you vulnerable to people trying to dodge, deceive, and dupe you. Maybe your team is lying to you, and maybe it’s your fault.

Why People Lie to You When They Like You

Let’s start with the best-case scenario: the people on your team like you, and they don’t want to burst your bubble. This isn’t a stretch if you’re nice but lacking in self-awareness.

The Risk of Disappointing You

They might lie to you because your expectations are too high, but they don’t want to let you down. Maybe you’re just a bit too positive, and your team members don’t want to be the bearers of bad news. In this case, they’re nodding as you share your overly ambitious plan and going along when you assign due dates they know are too soon by half. Your lack of self-awareness keeps you wrapped up in your good intentions and oblivious to their well-intentioned lies of omission.

Ask yourself: are my team members afraid of letting me down?

The Risk of Hurting Your Feelings

Your team might also lie to you because they don’t want to hurt your feelings. You walk out of a presentation feeling like you did a good job, and they play along. “Yeah, good job, boss.” Because you didn’t ask directly or for specific feedback, they’re happy to avoid the uncomfortable conversation to disabuse you of your sense of accomplishment. Your over-inflated view of your skills is allowed to persist.

Ask yourself: are my team members afraid to hurt my feelings?

A lack of self-awareness will limit your success even when your team likes you. And that’s a waste of goodwill.

Why People Lie to You When They Fear You

If it’s common for people to lie to a low self-awareness manager they like, imagine how easy it is for them to deceive a manager they fear. Breeding an unsafe environment will erode the quality of information you get. Few are willing to speak truth to power.

Buying Time

If you set standards so high that most people can’t achieve them, your team might lie to you in hopes of somehow pulling a rabbit out of a hat. They won’t give you an honest appraisal of how they’re doing or the likelihood of delivering on time. Instead, they’ll hedge, obfuscate, and try to keep you in the dark for as long as possible. If you’re not good at reading the room or understanding your impact on others, they might be protecting themselves from a threat you don’t know you’re transmitting.

Ask yourself: are my team members afraid to tell me what’s not possible?

Dodging Blame

Another reason your team might be lying to you is to avoid being the “one throat you choke.” If your frustration and anger are apparent to everyone but you, don’t be surprised if people weave grand tales to appear as someone other than the villain of the story. If your facial expressions and tone are intimidating in ways you don’t recognize, don’t be surprised if everyone is scattering, trying to dodge the blame.

Ask yourself: are my team members afraid to admit what didn’t work?

Now, let’s be fair; it’s possible that your team is lying to you through no fault of your own.

Why People Lying Might Not Be Your Fault

Knowing what’s going on inside someone else’s head is impossible. Myriad internal narratives might cause one of your team members to lie to you. They might have imposter syndrome and fear that sharing their concerns or insecurities will mean they lose their job. They might be conflict-avoidant and hesitant to share honest feedback even though you’ve always encouraged and rewarded it. They might hold a grudge against one of their teammates and look for any opportunity to paint them in an unfavorable light. I’m not arguing that every time a team member lies to you, you have to take accountability; there are many situations where that wouldn’t make sense.

Encourage Transparency and Candor

The best way to increase your self-awareness about the impact you’re having is to ask. Continually look for ways to encourage transparency and candor. Here are a few you might try:

Ask people to share at least two potential risks or concerns whenever you delegate a task. “Ok, before we go, I’d like to hear at least two potential risks I haven’t considered.”Share a skill or behavior you’re working to develop, specify an opportunity where they will be able to observe this skill in action, and then ask for feedback afterward. “I’m working on how I react to disappointing news. I’d like to encourage people to share bad news early. Can you pay attention in the monthly business review andHighlight specific instances where individuals have shared something that has increased your insight and awareness. “I’d like to thank Phil for pointing out the ambiguity in my instructions for the town hall.”Record a Zoom call and watch it back with the sound off. What’s your face saying? What story is your body telling? Is it the story you want to be telling?

Staying in tune with your impact on your team is essential if you want accurate information to help you manage. Whether they’re lying to protect you or lying to protect themselves from you, if you’re clueless about your impact, you’re vulnerable to deception.

Additional Resources

How to Become More Self-aware

Delegation is a Flawed Concept

A Different Take on Psychological Safety

 

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