Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1489  would like feedback on the following version of the query.

Shukari doesn't mind risking her skin to protect her eco-city from monsters and crooked mages. But the main reason she joined a guild was to get leads that’d [I prefer "that would"] help solve her parents' murder. [To you, joining a guild means battling monsters and getting access to leads. To the person reading this, joining a guild means hooking up with people who share your hobby or occupation. Instead of saying she joined a guild, say she joined the (specific) guild (Protection, Security, Defense, Resistance). Maybe "force" would be better than "guild."] Defying death only to run into dead-ends is beyond frustrating. But the last time she picked herself over duty, she lost a dear friend. And the last thing she needs is another scar from the knife-edge her morals and ambitions balance on. [Those last two sentences need some background. The paragraph would have more cohesion if the last three sentences were replaced with something like: Too bad every lead she finds takes her down a dead end.] 

Finally, [Eventually?] she learns key info about the case belongs to longtime arms dealer Tantalus. More, he fronts a scheme weaponizing human bodies so he can sell the results to the highest bidder. [I'm not sure what the results of weaponizing human bodies are, so I don't know who would bid on them. I'm imagining implanting a bomb in a corpse and auctioning off the corpse.] Save lives and get closure? Of course Shukari’s on the job. Too bad he set a trap he knew she’d trip—and the structure they’re in collapses. People suffer, his trail grows cold, and lucky her, she’s the scapegoat. 

 

One write-up later, Shukari is given a choice, fix this mess or enjoy probation. Deal. Catch Tantalus, tear down his ring, get the info, everybody wins. But the more she clashes [matches?] wits and weapons with him, the harder her precious balance gets to manage. As a wider plan unfolds and many more are endangered, Shukari must choose: those she swore to protect or the two she swore to avenge. [Why is this a choice? There's no deadline for avenging her dead parents, so she can do that after she saves living people.]

 

VALISTRY (105,000 words) is an Adult Science Fantasy standalone with series potential and a diverse ensemble cast. Imagine our Earth forced into a Norse-like state. [First I'll have to imagine what a Norse-like state is. Are we talking about Norway, Vikings, or Thor?] The story has a similar setting to John Gwynne’s Bloodsworn Saga, but where magic and science are king and queen like in M.L. Wang’s BLOOD OVER BRIGHT HAVEN. 

 

I have a MS in Mechanical Engineering and work as a Research Scientist. Science stimulates my brain during the day, and fantasy keeps my pen awake at night.  

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. 

Notes

When you mention her precious balance, I think of one of those balances like in chemistry, with her morals in the pan on the left and her ambition in the pan on the right. But you earlier said he morals and ambition were balancing on a knife edge, which suggests they could both fall off in the same direction.