Retreating To – Reviewed
Kevin
Cold, uncaring
I’ve become
I used to once
But now I’m numb
My heart is blacker
Than the night
I used to think
I’d found the light
Now I see
That’s not the case
I don’t belong
…
You may find the rest of the poem here.
Retreating To
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Analysis
“Retreating To” is about isolation, not just as an experience but as a choice. The speaker presents themselves as someone who has grown cold and detached, someone who once felt deeply but now feels nothing. But as the poem goes on, it becomes clear that they still care, even if they don’t want to admit it. They describe their pain in a way that contradicts their claims of numbness, showing that their retreat into solitude is not relief but another form of suffering. The poem doesn’t ask for sympathy or offer explanations. It simply states what is, in a way that feels final and unchangeable.
The structure of the poem reflects this emotional detachment. The lines are short, sometimes just a few words each, making everything feel restrained and controlled. There is no elaboration, no reflection beyond the bare minimum. It’s as if the speaker doesn’t have the energy to say more or doesn’t see the point. The rhythm is steady, unbroken, moving forward without hesitation, much like despair itself. The speaker isn’t searching for a way out. They are simply stating what they see as the truth.
The poem opens with the speaker acknowledging that they have changed. “Cold, uncaring / I’ve become” suggests that this isn’t who they always were, but something they have become over time. The second line reinforces this: “I used to once / But now I’m numb.” The vagueness of “I used to once” is important—it leaves out exactly what was lost, making it feel even more distant. They don’t dwell on the past, only the fact that it is gone. If they were truly numb, though, would they even need to say this? The fact that they reflect on their change, even in such a detached way, suggests that they are not as unaffected as they claim.
The next lines reinforce this idea. “My heart is blacker / Than the night” is a heavy statement, not just about emptiness but about a complete loss of warmth. But then comes the contrast: “I used to think / I’d found the light.” This suggests that they once believed in something good, something worth holding onto. That hope, whatever it was, is gone now. “Now I see / That’s not the case” is blunt, emotionless. But that lack of emotion feels like a mask. The poem doesn’t explain what happened, only that the speaker no longer believes in what they once did.
From here, the poem shifts toward the speaker’s isolation. “I don’t belong / I’m out of place” makes it clear that they feel disconnected, but the way they phrase it suggests that they still wish they did belong. If they truly didn’t care, why state it at all? “A stranger here / Without a friend” reinforces the loneliness. They claim to be numb, yet their words are full of loss. There is frustration in how plainly they say it, as if they are trying to convince themselves that this is simply the way things are.
Time passing becomes another weight on them. “The time it ticks / To toll the end” suggests a sense of inevitability. They aren’t waiting for change. They are simply waiting for things to reach their natural conclusion. But again, the fact that they focus on this, that they describe this waiting, shows that they are aware of the passage of time. They are not as disconnected as they might want to be.
The final lines bring the poem to its bleak conclusion. “No long goodbyes / No fond farewell” suggests a quiet departure, but one that is not peaceful. There is no expectation that anyone will care, no belief that any goodbye will matter. The last lines—”Retreating to / My private Hell”—confirm that the speaker is not escaping pain but moving deeper into it. The word “retreating” is important. It suggests a step away from others, but it is not a step toward peace. It is just another kind of suffering, one they have chosen, even if it is no better than what they left behind.
“Retreating To” is not about overcoming despair or looking for answers. It is about accepting isolation as the only option, even when it brings its own pain. The speaker insists they have stopped caring, but every part of the poem suggests otherwise. Their words are filled with longing, regret, and an awareness of what they have lost. They are not just numb—they are hurt, and they know it. The poem does not offer hope, just the quiet certainty that this is where they are now, whether they want to admit it or not.
Photo by Kyle Johnson on Unsplash
