Would-be authors - 25 sentences NOT to include in your query letter

‘Dear Sir and/or Madam’


‘What’s that smell coming off the ms you’re holding? - that’s the smell of serious money.’


‘Friends who I have shown my book to all say things like: ‘the best story I ever read’, ‘definite best seller’, ‘it’ll make a great movie’ etc.’


‘Move over, Harry Potter.’


‘You’re gonna love it.’


‘This book is bound to fly off the shelves.’


‘This book will change the face of publishing forever.’


‘I didn’t see any other fantasy books on your list, so this is a great opportunity for you to publish in a popular genre.’


‘Your listing said no short stories, but you’ll find my short stories are very different.’


‘I have not included a synopsis as that would spoil the surprise at the end of the story.’


‘The story speaks for itself.’


‘I have not included the first three chapters as things don’t really get interesting until Chapter 4 - please find enclosed Chapters 4-10.’


‘I know you asked for only three chapters, but my book is finished and anyway I’m confident you’ll want to read on after the first three chapters so I’ve enclosed the whole thing.’


‘The single spacing and two-sided printing are not exactly according to your guidelines, but I’m sure you’ll appreciate the savings in postage.’


‘Excuse the handwritten ms - my typewriter is on the blink.’


‘You asked for submissions by post, but these days people find that email is quicker, cheaper, and gets right to your computer - please click the attachment above and start reading straightaway.’


‘Don’t take the risk of losing this in the slush pile - read it today.’


‘I’m not sure if it’s any good, but I suppose you’ll be the judge of that.’


 ‘Please ignore the spelling mistaks - never my strong point at school.’


‘I noticed a few factual errors after I printed it out - but your proofreader will pick these up easily enough.’


‘As you’ll see from my pic enclosed, I have all the attributes your publicity people need for setting up celebrity interviews etc.’


‘Rather than taking up space here with my cv, here are the links to my website and Facebook page.’


‘More than twenty agents and publishers have rejected this already - please do not add your name to the list of the stupid.’


‘Please get back to me not later than the 17th - I have given the same deadline to everyone I’ve sent to so I can assess all offers and make a decision.’


‘Call me, but you’d better make it quick.’