Kindness to an Enemy? It’s Complicated. Start Here:

How can you show kindness to an enemy? There isn’t a cut-and-dry answer to this question. I hold Gavin Ortlund in humble esteem and when I held his latest book in hand I was overwhelmed with gratitude for the the way Gavin has wrestled through the messy nature of relationships with others and shares how Jesus is the only answer for all the muck and mire of life together in the body of Christ. It’s an absolute joy to welcome Gavin to the farm’s table today…

Guest post by Gavin Ortlund

Kindness is complicated.

It is not formulaic.

It’s often difficult to know how kindness relates to other virtues and what it even looks like in the complexities of real life in the modern world, including the role kindness plays in our disagreements.

Several years ago I started a ministry on YouTube.

Over the years I have had the privilege of being in dialogue with all kinds of different people, and I have learned a lot along the way about how disagreement can go well or go poorly.

Sadly, it’s very easy for it to go poorly! And I have certainly made a lot of my own mistakes along the way.

Perhaps my deepest conviction resulting from these experiences is that kindness in dialogue is powerful.

“…kindness does not mean the absence of discernment.“

In my time on YouTube, I have imperfectly but sincerely sought to exhibit kindness to others. I’ve also gotten to know many sincerely kind people from other viewpoints. However, what do we do when others return our kindness with cruelty? When it comes to showing kindness to someone who has proven themselves to be an enemy, a clarification is absolutely necessary: kindness does not mean the absence of discernment.

What Kindness Is Not

Kindness is not being a doormat. Kindness is consistent with toughness and shrewdness.

Therefore, when the disagreement you are facing is with an evil person who is seeking to harm you, it is right to protect yourself. You matter to God. You should take all reasonable steps to take care of yourself (as well as those in your care), and this is not at odds with kindness.

Kindness is not at odds with getting a restraining order or blocking someone on social media or withdrawing from a relationship. Sometimes these are necessary steps, for all parties concerned. 

Kind Non-Engagement

Wishing people well does not mean we must always maintain a relationship.

The necessity of non-engagement and withdrawal comes up often in Paul’s letters to Timothy and Titus. I think of this as the spiritual discipline of ignoring people.

It sounds strange, but it is biblical: “As for a person who stirs up division, after warning him once and then twice, have nothing more to do with him, knowing that such a person is warped and sinful; he is self-condemned” (Titus 3:10-11). Jesus gives a similar commandment to those he sends out: “If anyone will not receive you or listen to your words, shake off the dust from your feet when you leave that house or town” (Matthew 10:14).

This is a lesson that many of us are slow to learn, but it is so important. There are evil people in this world. We should be kind but not naïve. There is a time to turn away.

Again, consider the wisdom of Jesus’ words: “I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves” (Matthew 10:16).

[image error]Kindness That Discerns

If you are experiencing a difficult disagreement and you are not certain whether or not you should persist in it or withdraw, here are some questions that might be helpful to consider:

• Does this person’s behavior suggest that engaging with them has a realistic chance of being productive?

• Is addressing a disagreement likely to create further harm?

• Do I have any formal obligations that require me to resolve this difference, or can it be left unresolved without negligence?

• Could a season of waiting or reflection be beneficial before working through a particular disagreement?

Often it helps to involve wise friends who can help you think through the best approach. This is not formulaic or easy. Remember that God is a loving Father, who cares for you.

When Kindness Is Met with Malice

What do we do when our kindness is met with malice? 

We know that we are called not to retaliate, and we know that we may need to disengage from that person—but now what? How do we endure the unkindness of the world without being tainted? 

The only answer is Jesus. Jesus has a special place in his heart for those who are being maligned. 

The people discarded and despised by our world are especially precious to him. We can go to him, finding strength in his promises and his presence.

We have every reason to follow Christ in practicing kindness to those around us. When you are reviled, do not revile in return.

Bless those who curse you.

Keep an open heart, even in bitter disagreement. Wish well to all.

This is what Christ can do in and for you.

This article is adapted from Chapter 1 of The Art of Disagreeing by Gavin Ortlund

*Please note that the full chapter goes into more depth about what kindness looks like when you are met with malice. Learn more about how to disagree with courage and kindness like Jesus, avoiding divisive arguments, here. *

Gavin Ortlund is a pastor, author, speaker, and apologist. He serves as President of Truth Unites and Theologian-in-Residence at Immanuel Nashville.

Gavin is the award-winning author of Why God Makes Sense in a World That Doesn’t and Finding the Right Hills to Die On.

A fellow of The Keller Center for Cultural Apologetics, Gavin is married to Esther and they have five children.

He wrote The Art of Disagreeing because he has been grieved about the lovelessness in the church today — and I cannot recommend this book more highly.

He hopes this book will give readers realistic pathways forward for navigating disagreements in their lives. This is important because Jesus taught that the world will recognize we are his disciples by how we love each other.

{Our humble thanks to The Good Book Company for their partnership in today’s devotional.}